Thursday, September 6, 2018

Taking care of ME!

Things have gotten turbulent in my area of reality as of late, well, for a while (or is it awhile).  My anxiety is at an all time high as I am starting to have almost daily panic attacks which involve so much more than I am willing to indulge even in my own blog.  Hell, I've got to hold SOME things sacred to myself for my own journey.

Here's what I CAN share: My avoidance of my mental state over the past decade (almost) led me to merely manage my mental health instead of improving it.  And, with the words of someone I didn't expect, my focus became inward, a self-reflection to be honest.  I'm sure I've written about it before on my blog, yet now it is like a white head zit about to get ugly.

"Don't treat this like the beginning of the end."  This was not said under the same circumstances yet ended up becoming an opportunity to reflect on the past 9 1/2 years.  Holy cow!!!  Has it been that long?

When the bottom dropped out and it was confirmed we were LIED to about Trey's condition, all hope in me was lost.  We spent a week and a half having hope for our son's survival only for that hope to be destroyed.

I lost hope that day, hope that I had carried my WHOLE life as the optimist I was and hope to soon be again.

SO, my utter disregard of my own struggles and solutions to those struggles led me to simply getting the very support that I need, support I had taken for granted.

It bit me in the ass and BOY HOWDIE am I glad!

I met with a new doctor today and unloaded my life, mostly after Trey's passing but not without everything before.

My anxiety has taken control and I want my control back!!!  I am realizing that 9.5 years ago I lost the most precious thing I ever had, myself.  Ever since then, I have lived in fear of the unknown and even the possibilities.  I have tried to cope with it on my own through various ways I am not proud of and some I  befuddled by.   I have always expected more of myself.  I was taught to do better by all who love me yet I still am paralyzed by expecting the worst in every situation.

Most people know me as the upbeat and positively obnoxious person I am proud to be.  But only those close to me know how much I struggle.

I struggle to be positive.  I struggle to live in the moment.  I struggle with resentment and blame.  I struggle with crumbling under confrontation.  I struggle to hold myself accountable and follow through with goals I set for myself.  I struggle with self loathing.  I struggle with admitting I need help.  I struggle to stand on my own 2 feet.  I struggle to not let others steal my power.  I struggle to not let myself steal my own power.  I struggle with self control.  I struggle with perserverence.  I struggle to keep going on with this diatribe because it seems I am only getting in my own way.

I have even struggled keeping up with this blog, the very blog I started to unite families affected by the loss of a child and the communities that support them.

My anxiety says I am a failure but failure has NEVER been an option.

So I want to IMPLORE ANYONE who is going through any type of trauma to speak.

 Speak to your friends.

Speak to your family.

Speak to a therapist.

Speak through your talents.

Speak your truth.

Speak your pain.

Speak your struggles.

Speak YOU!!