Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Little Pieces

I packed up your clothes today though some might think it odd I had not done it already.  I always held out hope that I would have another little boy that would be able to wear them.  Sadly, I am coming to grips with why I have always wanted three children.  It wasn't a childhood fantasy but a foretelling of my life at this point.

For weeks I have trying to get myself to the point of giving your clothes away but, even though I reached out for leads to a family in dire need, I came up empty.  I didn't want them to go to just anyone, you AREN'T just anyone.  Just as I do a service project on your Birthday each year, I wanted them to go to a family that needs support.  Yes, I know, I could've found that anywhere, but I NEEDED to  know where they would go and that they would be worn and passed on to the next family in need for the same purpose.  I'm sure your Daddy thought I would have them forever.

So today, I packed them up to be given to teenage mothers who need help providing for their children.  A dear neighbor friend's company supports these young women and I have faith that they will take care of them and pass them on to others in need.

It was hard stuffing them into trash bags and I even stopped for a moment to ponder the symbolism of them being in trash bags as opposed to boxes as I would normally pass your sister's clothes on in.  I shamed myself for throwing you out like trash when your sister's stuff is put neatly in a box.  Well, I didn't have any boxes and the bags are easier to tote clothes in.  For the record, all three garbage bags were stuffed to capacity and were ones that had the FreBreeze air freshener on them so there's an upgrade for you.

Most of the clothes were never worn, some still in their original packaging or are on hangers with the tags still on them.  They represent so many hopes and dreams of a life up to 18 months even though we didn't even get a month.  They represent a present tense in which you never grew out of them.  The represent my wish for another baby in shambles.  The represent the love of those around us who gave them to us in excitement for your arrival.  But now, they will go on to represent new life, warmth, care, sustainability for another little boy.

Why did I keep them so long?  A grieving mother does not always know her own secrets.  I knew the baby train had sailed years ago but there was always hope.  Maybe we will foster or adopt.  Maybe someone I know will have a baby boy and I will remember to pass them on.  All of the rest of the "maybes" drifted off like the excuses they were.

All I know is that over the past few years I have been letting go of baby stuff that belonged to both you and your sister.  It is heartbreaking on so many levels.  Not having baby stuff in the house is a harsh reminder of my fate as a mother, 3 children wanted, only 1 living one to show for it.  It is a whole different kind of mourning, as if mourning you weren't too much already.

Not everything of yours is gone.  Your chest of cherished items and memories will NEVER leave our home, not until we are with you in Heaven.  Your sister will surely take care of it for us then.

Until then, I miss you even more now that those clothes are packed up and ready to go.  Every time I pass on the baby stuff that belonged to you and Lorelei, I lose you a little more.  Little pieces of you are leaving my life and I had so little of you to begin with.

It's just another painful muddy step in this journey called life.  Hopefully, your belongings will make someone else's journey a little more sturdy.