Monday, August 28, 2017

I will never forgive myself

Trey, I left you.  I abandoned you when you needed me the most.  The NICU doctors told us that we needed to give you space, that being around you too much would excite you too much.  We came to visit when we were desperate to see our baby. We listened to them.  We never should've.   You were our baby.  We didn't know what was about to happen.   It's no excuse.  We should've been with you night and day.  Our son needed us.  We didn't know what we should've been doing.  We were recovering and coping at the same time.

It wasn't until it was too late, until you were at the Children's Hospital that we had "definite " hope.   We stayed the night that first night and stayed as long as we could each day.  Then we were told you were struggling.  There were devastating feelings to deal with and life ending decisions to be made.  We weren't with you as much in those days.  We had to sort through so much emotionally and mentally.

We were with you when your daddy signed papers to turn off the machines and let you rest in peace.  I told your daddy I didn't want to see you die.  He took me home.  I will never forgive myself.

I was a coward.   I was afraid to face what you were going through. If I stayed away, maybe what I had done to you in the womb would get better.  It has to be my fault, what happened to you.  I should've known something was wrong.   I should've asked more questions when no one said anything about test results.  Even the OBGYN staff asked why I didn't follow up.  I can't rest on the fact I was waiting for them to tell me.  I should've known.

Then we had to hear on a phone call that you went peacefully with my parents, my aunt, and your daddy's parents.  We weren't there because your daddy said his place was with me.  How selfish of me.  OUR place was with you.  I robbed your daddy of being with you when you left this world.  I will never forgive myself for doing that to you and your daddy. I will never forgive myself for not having the courage to be there for you both.  I hope you can forgive me.  Don't think I ever can forgive myself.

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