Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Expecting the worst...

I spent so much time hoping for the best when it came to Trey.  Even when we heard worrisome news when he was still in my belly, even when I was admitted into the hospital pre term labor, even when he was born 6 weeks early.  I always held such strength even through worry.

I think if I had thought realistically instead of hoping and having faith, all of this wouldn't have been so hard.

Anyone who knows me knows I rule by my heart, I don't know how to choose my head unless I am showing my intelligence.  I love him and there was nothing else to do except hope.  I pumped milk and gave any updates with the emphasis of hope.  He was living, thriving, stable.  RIGHT?

WRONG!!! Being brought back to reality due to a series of lies digs a hole in a person.  My hope turned to dust in the desert that used to hold an oasis of possibilities.  A mirage really.

I haven't been the same since.

Once upon a time I always expected the best.  I have no idea what that feels like anymore.  My anxiety is a beast when faced with conflict.  I never really liked conflict to begin with but I always tried my best to resolve it in the most positive way I could think of.

Now, I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the ulterior motive to be revealed after it's too late.  Everytime things seem iffy, I expect that certain doom is coming.

I spend so much time analyzing everything I have done wrong and rationalizing false perceptions of me.  I could not possibly be aware and competent if I didn't realize something was wrong when I carried him.  I must have been in Lala Land if I believed that he was thriving after he was born.

Doubt plagues me.

I lost myself in paranoia when my ability as a teacher came into question.  I acted as a person who could not function on logic alone.  I knew I was doing the right thing for my students, helping them succeed yet acted on the judgment of a superior, cowering to make everything ok again.   Epic fail.  I sabotaged myself and lost my job.  I crumbled under the stress when I faced it head on like when we believed Trey would be ok.

How quickly I doubted myself after I lost my confidence then lost my job.  Looking back, maybe my "boss" took advantage of my insecurity.  Never again.

Then another challenge came and I was once again put to the test but I was starting to gain steam.  I spent the summer break trying to figure out why I was such an emotional wreck under pressure. It was simple. I was scared the worst would happen.  After all, I believed with every ounce of my being that Trey would be ok so that should set some sort of presidence.  Yet, I was wrong and felt doomed to be wrong for the rest of my life because o should've known better.  I should've been smarter, more aware, more realistic.  I could not  anticipate the  horror that was to come.

I remembered what the very person who fought for me to be hired said. "Don't act as if it is the beginning of the end."  That changed me, or at least redirected me.

It's all still a process but I am steadily gaining my confidence and hope back.  Nothing is a lost cause anymore.  If anything, I try to gift and inspire others with love and hope.  I surprise co-workers with treats as I used to when I wasn't so concerned with my own confidence.  I smile more and convey well wishes even when I am down.

All of this makes me happy and proves that though the anxiety and loss are still there, I can can connect with others on a loving level knowing that they are going through their own journeys.

But more importantly,  I don't freak out as much as I used yo.  I can laugh at myself and at the same time analyze myself rationally so that I don't give someone else my power.

I will never ever be who I was before Trey, but, I am moving forward holding my true self in tact carrying every burden, holding it high yet stopping to recollect when my caravan of blessings need the reigns pulled in so I can rest and reflect.

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