Monday, September 14, 2015

Turning Back Time

I have had quite the case of writer's block as of late but an opportunity was presented to me to share our story on another site.  In thinking about what I wanted to share, I looked back at the "The First Year" section of this blog and I barely made it through the first April blogs before I had to fight the urge to sob.  I wanted to reach into the screen and squeeze hope back into my former self.  I wanted to tell her about Lorelei and the great things she is going to do in honor and memory of Trey.  I wanted to comfort her and praise her for sharing her story.

Reading my own story sparked painful memories that I have not thought of in years.  I have come a long way and I would like to think I have helped others through my journey.  I hope that I am doing as well as other people say I seem to be doing.  Sometimes I just don't know.  I am quicker to depression, often find myself listless having little energy to do anything, and spend more time than I would like analyzing situations in my life that don't need as much attention as I give them. I have said it before and I will continue to say grieving NEVER gets easier, it just changes.

I wish I could tell my former self that her dream of having another child would come true, but would I tell her there would be no children after her daughter?  How would that have changed my outlook and attention to my blessings?  Now, I mourn two children, the one I sent to Heaven and the third one I wanted to complete our family.

The grief follows me around and sneaks up on me at the most unexpected times, like a little game.  It is no easier and at times can be even harder than when it started.  I watch school children my son's age go through the halls of my schools and I have to steer my attention away from remembering that he should be in school too.  Our daughter knows about her big brother and has a very healthy attitude about him as a part of the family.

There is still so much of the journey left to go and I feel as if I am out of the woods just not out of the storm.

I wonder what my future self will want to tell me at this moment.  I hope she would say that better things are surely to come and Trey is proud of me.

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