Hope Through A Hurricane Makes One Heck Of a Rainbow!!

Infertility has plagued me for as long as I was trying to have children.  As teenagers,and unmarried adults, most have been preached not to have kids out of wedlock.  Yet, some of us never realized how difficult it would be to create the family of our dreams while others seem to pop out babies like Tic Tacs.  My husband and I experienced this stressful and heart breaking scenario as well as many of our friends.

One particular friend has been trying since got married 18 years ago.  She has heard diagnosis after diagnosis, been through a gazillion tests and procedures, and lived with the nightmare that is not being able to conceive children.  Her struggle was 8 times as long as ours yet she never abandoned hope.  Sure there were tough times and bitterness, but most of the time her attitude was positive.

So imagine my joy when she called me a few months ago and told me she was going to be a Mommy via adoption.  I could've broken glass with my high pitch squeal but I was outside.  I felt just as much excitement for her excellent news as I did for both of my kids.

It gets me thinking of our struggle with infertility and losing our first born.  We had to wait what seemed like an eternity to finally have a healthy baby who is EVERY bit as the Rainbow Baby we were hoping to have and more.  Having her makes us appreciate life and its lessons so much more and reminds us to live in the moment.

I am excited beyond measure for my friend to experience the peace after a long battle, the closure of a door which seemed like only a door frame for so long, and the long overdue love shared between parents and a child.  I am so thankful for the woman who is willing to give my friend the true family she has always desired and I look forward to experiencing the wonderful parents they will become.  

Turning Back Time

I have had quite the case of writer's block as of late but an opportunity was presented to me to share our story on another site.  In thinking about what I wanted to share, I looked back at the "The First Year" section of this blog and I barely made it through the first April blogs before I had to fight the urge to sob.  I wanted to reach into the screen and squeeze hope back into my former self.  I wanted to tell her about Lorelei and the great things she is going to do in honor and memory of Trey.  I wanted to comfort her and praise her for sharing her story.

Reading my own story sparked painful memories that I have not thought of in years.  I have come a long way and I would like to think I have helped others through my journey.  I hope that I am doing as well as other people say I seem to be doing.  Sometimes I just don't know.  I am quicker to depression, often find myself listless having little energy to do anything, and spend more time than I would like analyzing situations in my life that don't need as much attention as I give them. I have said it before and I will continue to say grieving NEVER gets easier, it just changes.

I wish I could tell my former self that her dream of having another child would come true, but would I tell her there would be no children after her daughter?  How would that have changed my outlook and attention to my blessings?  Now, I mourn two children, the one I sent to Heaven and the third one I wanted to complete our family.

The grief follows me around and sneaks up on me at the most unexpected times, like a little game.  It is no easier and at times can be even harder than when it started.  I watch school children my son's age go through the halls of my schools and I have to steer my attention away from remembering that he should be in school too.  Our daughter knows about her big brother and has a very healthy attitude about him as a part of the family.

There is still so much of the journey left to go and I feel as if I am out of the woods just not out of the storm.

I wonder what my future self will want to tell me at this moment.  I hope she would say that better things are surely to come and Trey is proud of me.