Tuesday, November 10, 2015


This new song from Adele has the world buzzing and hearts seeping.  The first verse and the chorus touch me, especially "To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart  But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you 
apart Anymore" because of Trey's heart condition.

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, anymore

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The ABCs of She

She ADORES her Big Brother Trey.
She BELIEVES he will grant her wishes.
She COLORS pictures of him with us.
She DREAMS about him living with us.
She EMPATHIZES with our sadness.
She FEELS sad about him too.
She GIVES him kisses.
She HELPS decorate his Christmas Tree.
She IS his Little Sister.
She JOTS down his name.
She KNOWS he catches released balloons.
She LOOKS at his pictures.
She MISSES him.
She NEEDS to know about him.
She OFFERS him a spot on her bed.
She PARTICIPATES in family remembrance of him.
She QUALIFIES his existence in our family.
She REQUESTS him to help her.
She SAYS his name.
She TALKS about him.
She UNDERSTANDS that he is now longer sick.
She VISUALIZES him in Heaven.
She WANTS to know more about him.
She EXPECTS to see him in Heaven.
She YELLS jokingly at him when something that happens is strange.
She ZEROES in on the love she feels for him.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Hope Through A Hurricane Makes One Heck Of a Rainbow!!

Infertility has plagued me for as long as I was trying to have children.  As teenagers,and unmarried adults, most have been preached not to have kids out of wedlock.  Yet, some of us never realized how difficult it would be to create the family of our dreams while others seem to pop out babies like Tic Tacs.  My husband and I experienced this stressful and heart breaking scenario as well as many of our friends.

One particular friend has been trying since got married 18 years ago.  She has heard diagnosis after diagnosis, been through a gazillion tests and procedures, and lived with the nightmare that is not being able to conceive children.  Her struggle was 8 times as long as ours yet she never abandoned hope.  Sure there were tough times and bitterness, but most of the time her attitude was positive.

So imagine my joy when she called me a few months ago and told me she was going to be a Mommy via adoption.  I could've broken glass with my high pitch squeal but I was outside.  I felt just as much excitement for her excellent news as I did for both of my kids.

It gets me thinking of our struggle with infertility and losing our first born.  We had to wait what seemed like an eternity to finally have a healthy baby who is EVERY bit as the Rainbow Baby we were hoping to have and more.  Having her makes us appreciate life and its lessons so much more and reminds us to live in the moment.

I am excited beyond measure for my friend to experience the peace after a long battle, the closure of a door which seemed like only a door frame for so long, and the long overdue love shared between parents and a child.  I am so thankful for the woman who is willing to give my friend the true family she has always desired and I look forward to experiencing the wonderful parents they will become.  

Monday, September 14, 2015

Turning Back Time

I have had quite the case of writer's block as of late but an opportunity was presented to me to share our story on another site.  In thinking about what I wanted to share, I looked back at the "The First Year" section of this blog and I barely made it through the first April blogs before I had to fight the urge to sob.  I wanted to reach into the screen and squeeze hope back into my former self.  I wanted to tell her about Lorelei and the great things she is going to do in honor and memory of Trey.  I wanted to comfort her and praise her for sharing her story.

Reading my own story sparked painful memories that I have not thought of in years.  I have come a long way and I would like to think I have helped others through my journey.  I hope that I am doing as well as other people say I seem to be doing.  Sometimes I just don't know.  I am quicker to depression, often find myself listless having little energy to do anything, and spend more time than I would like analyzing situations in my life that don't need as much attention as I give them. I have said it before and I will continue to say grieving NEVER gets easier, it just changes.

I wish I could tell my former self that her dream of having another child would come true, but would I tell her there would be no children after her daughter?  How would that have changed my outlook and attention to my blessings?  Now, I mourn two children, the one I sent to Heaven and the third one I wanted to complete our family.

The grief follows me around and sneaks up on me at the most unexpected times, like a little game.  It is no easier and at times can be even harder than when it started.  I watch school children my son's age go through the halls of my schools and I have to steer my attention away from remembering that he should be in school too.  Our daughter knows about her big brother and has a very healthy attitude about him as a part of the family.

There is still so much of the journey left to go and I feel as if I am out of the woods just not out of the storm.

I wonder what my future self will want to tell me at this moment.  I hope she would say that better things are surely to come and Trey is proud of me.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

In My Shoes

I wear the shoes of a mother who has lost a child.

Give me all of the advice you want but you have never been in my shoes.

My shoes are too small and are suffocating on a daily basis.

Yet at times, they are too big and I struggle to keep my footing.

Sometimes my laces are too short and frayed and I can't tie them so I am unstable on my feet.

Sometime the laces are too long and even if I tie them, I have to avoid tripping on their ends.

There are holes worn in my shoes leaving me open to the very outside elements I am supposed to be protected from.

Inside my shoes are bunyaned tarsals weary from the journey.

When I try to stiffen the discomfort with socks, it only suffocates my feet even more.

The materials in my shoes are flimsy and porous, protecting me from none of the world's hazards.

Sometimes they feel so new, the painful blisters are a reminder.

Everyone else thinks my shoes are sturdy and cool, but my feet know the truth.

They are easily dirtied by the dirt of the world but not easily cleaned.

The heals are sometimes too high for comfort and sometimes too flat for support.

My shoes are not impressive and don't go with any outfit or situation.

Sometimes I want to take them off and walk barefoot, no one wants to see that raw flesh.

But these shoes carry me through my journeys as an Angel Mommy.

They are the only protection I have from the harsh conditions

They are not ones that I would ever choose but they are mine, my badges of courage.

They only fit me, I could never loan them out of give them away.

I wear them daily in all seasons and in any weather.

They are one of a kind, priceless, ageless, forever.

So before you criticize my journey in my shoes, why don't you try them on?

Monday, March 23, 2015

Trey Day

Trey, because of you, I am a Mommy.  Because of you, my heart is fuller and my life is richer.  There is beauty in the world that I had never noticed before I saw your eyes.  You inspire me to reach out to others and spread sunshine to those I know and love.  You were not here long, but I would not trade those days for the world.  It's not easy missing you, but loving you has been a blessing.  You and your sister make my heart smile.  You are missed beyond measure! Happy Birthday son.  Fly high and enjoy your day, Trey Day!  I love you very much! 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The First Time...

Our Rainbow daughter is a creature of habit.  Case in point, she always expects bath, movie time, then book and a song.  My husband and I take turns with her bedtime routine and though she is starting reading her favorites to us in her own way, when I am in charge of bedtime, she is not satisfied with the regular songs her Daddy has learned.  She always wants to hear one of my songs.  Tonight I felt the need to sing a new song to her, a song I sang to her brother in the womb, in the NICU, and that was played at his Memorial.  Since then, I have had trouble listening to it so my attempt at singing it to our daughter faltered.  

I am determined to sing it to her so here is my reminder, my practice so that I can deem it a song for both of them.  I promise, Lorelei, I will sing it to both of you always!  

"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies, my love
To the dark and the endless skies

And the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command, my love

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last 'til the end of time, my love
And it would last 'til the end of time, my love

The first time ever I saw your face
Your face
Your face
Your face