Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Everyone Else is Doing it, Why can't I?

So, I have reached the point in my life where the possibility of having another child is slim.  Add insult to injury, lots of my friends are having second and third children.   I am happy for them in my heart, but there are small pockets that SCREAM I wish it were me!  I have been here before with all of the infertility problems I had.  It was especially painful to know that others can get pregnant right away.  There are so many parents who don't take care of the ones they have but keep getting pregnant with ease.

This weekend I was watching one of my favorite shows which stars a women who had 5 miscarriages before she gave birth to a boy.  Her son ended up being on the severe side of the Autism spectrum.  Is that the reason that the Universe, God, fate, whatever maintain it is not in my grand plan of life?  The thing is, I would gladly take another child no matter the problems that came along with him or her.  I have dealt with it before and wish he was well enough to have some kind of productive life.

So here I sit, jipped again, heartbroken over the loss of my first born and mourning the possibility of the third child I have always wanted.  I am enjoying every minute, even the difficult ones, with my Rainbow darling but it occurs to me with every struggle and triumph, it will the only time I get to experience it.

I find myself salty towards those who warn about various stages of a child's life, "The Terrible 2's", The Troublesome 3's", puberty, teenage, college, etc. And then there are those who say, "Oh, boy are you in trouble!"   Honestly, I have taken advantage of all of them to teach my child instead of fret.  I can't say there haven't been moments but those who say it goes fast are often the ones that dread each period of life.  Maybe I am biased because I do not have multiple children, but then there it goes again, the sorrow over having just one Earthly child.

She would make such a WONDERFUL big sister.  I welcome the challenges if they were to exist, I always love a challenge.  But the challenge I am facing now are almost unbearable.  I know I will get through them but I will never get over not having them and that is the greatest challenge of all.

The fact is, I DID lose a child, but that should not mean I should be denied the third child I have always dreamed (since I was 5) that would complete our family.

It seems sorrow is followed by heartbreak of the consequences of our loss.  The mourning is cyclical I do not know how to break the cycle.  The hubby is not budging and decisions are made by the family.  I have considered his side, he is traumatized still.  I just wish he wasn't so afraid.  "No one got anywhere by being scared all the time", Shelby said in Steel Magnolias.  Still, I am honoring his wishes, or am I sacrificing myself.  I am not sure, it is so muddy in that place.

I simply pray that Divine Intervention will once again teach me that all things happen in their own time the way they always have in my life.

Impatience is NOT a virtue!  Le sigh....

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