Handbook

Recently, I was given a "talking to" by someone who did not agree with my daughter knowing about Trey.  This came from someone who has not a child but has experienced loved ones losing a child so that makes them an expert.  It started with me sharing that Lorelei asked about a dog who had recently passed away and I told her that the dog was playing with Trey in Heaven.  She was upset about the pictures we have of him in the house.  One of the picture collages was taken down when our bedroom was painted and has not been put up since.  My favorite picture of him is high on our piano and she can not see it.  The only other picture is the of her looking at his picture as a baby.  She expressed her extreme concern for our daughter.

I was really upset by the conversation which included the term "dead baby" and burdening our daughter.  There was also a mention of my need to seek professional help and that I have not accepted the fact that Trey is dead.  I was told that talking to Trey is unhealthy and that our daughter should not be "burdened" by our grief.

To this I thanked her for sharing but said that my husband I will decide what is right for our daughter.  Lorelei asked about a picture we have on our wall of her as a baby looking at his picture.  She wanted to know who the baby was and we told her.  Did we go into details? No!  She understands that Trey is helping and playing with the Angels and that he watches over her.  When a balloon gets let go of, she tells Trey to catch it.  She is no way burdened by any grief and has never once got upset over him.  She mentions him every now and again then goes about her way.  Our lives do not revolve around our grief.  We keep on living holding in our hearts because that is what we have to do

The way my husband and I see it is just because he is gone, that does not mean he is not a part of out family.  We love both of our children dearly and we choose to include him in our lives.  Do we obsess over it? No!.  We joke about little weird things that happen in the house that have no explanation like toys turning on by themselves and we blame Trey.  Most of our interactions with Trey are light hearted for the occasional break down which is bound to happen in a case like this.

My advice for those who have not lost a child is, if you have the handbook on grieving through child loss, hand it over.  You don't have to like what we are doing but respect our decisions.  She is no way in danger or emotional peril so please back off.  We would stop talking about him if we sensed it was upsetting her.  She will have more questions about him and we will handle those when they come in the same manner.