Thursday, March 6, 2014

These Days

"These are the days I'll remember" sang Natalie Merchant and the lyrics are never as true as at this time of the year.  After my husband's birthday on February 23, the wait begins.

The wait for these days to be over.

The wait for these days not to bring back so many hard memories.

The wait for the pain not to creep back.

The wait until I can hold him Heaven.

The dates leading up to anniversary of being admitted into the have faded from my memory but the events did not.  At this time 5 years ago, the doctors were concerned about how much fluid I was gaining and making appointments for me to get Trey's heart scanned.  It was terrifying to know that ym first born could be in trouble and my health was also at risk.

5's hard to believe but these days of waiting confirm it.

People assume that time heals all wounds, not true when you lose a child.  The grief just changes.

It changed when we had our daughter.

It has recently changed due to the fact that my husband does not want another child so I feel like I am grieving two children instead of one.

The tears and sadness don't hit as often, but when they do, they are crippling.

I was speaking with my friend, Sophie, who went through the same thing as we did around the same time, same diagnosis, we both agree that the grief that the grief has changed and we aren't sure how we made it this far...but we did.

There are always more times of the year that are hard, the holidays, Mother's Day, etc.

This Fall is going to be tough, he would have started Kindergarten this year. Seeing all of the bright new faces coming into school will only serve as a reminder of what we missed experiencing with our dear son.

Though these days come and go, and are often easier than I imagine, they are nonetheless a part of our grief and at times can be hard to bare.

I know that the prayers and thoughts of my loved ones surround me and my husband is always a soft place to land.  I look to the Heavens and always ask Trey to be with us, come down and hold us when the sadness hits.

Hopefully one day, these days will help me heal.

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