Sunday, March 30, 2014

My Only Regret

I don't regret bringing my son into the world.  I don't regret anything about him...save one.

I wish I would've spent more time with him.  He was so fragile that the staff at the hospital had to get him back to homeostasis when we left due to the exposure of stimulus he received from our visits.  This worried us so we limited our time with him so that he would rest and get better, the way we were made to believe that he would.

I ached for him so much when we were apart yet felt sorrow at the sight of his fragile body.  I loved, and still love, him dearly.  I longed for the time when we could spend time with him when he was on the mend but at that time he needed his strength, how ever little there was of it.

It makes me feel like a selfish, awful mother, a woman to focused on the hope of a healthy future for him only to realize that that time was fleeting.  I should have cherished the time we had with him no matter what was to occur.  He needed me and I was not there.

We were fooled in regards to his health yet my presence should have been there to comfort him and at least see him through the hard days.

I cannot fault my husband, as he said, "My place is with you."  It killed him to see his son in that state too, but his tenderness towards Trey showed his love.

Hind sight is 20/20 but the most painful reminder to me of the time I squandered.  I might have been able to bear being there when he passed had I spent more time with him, addicted to holding him in my arms.  I could not stomach it.  I am a coward.

It haunts my heart, especially at this time of year.  I imagine how it  must have looked at the NICU in the hospital he was born in, unless the nurses knew too.  I pray they understood that we wanted him to be in the best of health for his transfer.  He became slightly unstable during our visits, not so much as he was in danger, just his excitement for us to be there.  I venture to guess how he would've gradually calmed and the reactions he was having would've been less severe if I had spent more time with him.  I will never know.  I never gave it a chance.  I never gave him a chance.

How was I to know?

Still, he was my child and he needed me and I was not there.  I should've  been there to calm him in his excitement and to encourage him to rest.  I was not there to do that.

Was it merely my heart refusing t accept the inevitable?  That is of no consequence, I should have been there for whatever time I could, to take advantage of the short time I had with my son, even if we were led to believe he was on the mend.

I know he understands and has no need to forgive.

I know he knows that I will never forgive myself for my selfishness, though he wishes I would.

I will never forgive myself, it is unacceptable for me as a mother.  I failed him when he needed me the most.  I will forever be ashamed of this.

That time was precious, I squandered it.

I am so sorry son.  Trey, I can't take it back, though I wish I could.  I can't give it to you to hold and keep away from my heart.  You have always had too much on your tiny shoulders.

I hold it like a talisman, a scarlet letter, to remind me how precious time is, and to never take it for granted again.

Still, this is my one regret and I will never forget it or forgive it.

Again, I am sorry my sweet son.

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