Monday, March 17, 2014

Going Back

These days, at this time of year, always haunt me.
Turn in me and taunt me.
I return to that 32 year old new Mother
And a new Father, they leaned on each other.
They never knew the rough path ahead
They would've rather had their son healthy instead.
I want to go back to that that time
And hold their hearts close to mine.
Take their excruciating pain away
And give them their child's Happy Birthday.
They fought so hard through the pain and strife
Of their first born losing his life.
I want to reassure them that they would be ok
Even through thinking and hurting for their son everyday.
I would scream at the doctor to let him go in peace
Or tell truth about his health at the very least.
I would get him to the children's hospital quicker
So he wouldn't have to be even sicker.
I would give any healthiness left in him to
The other babies in the NICU so they would make it through.
I would our former selves to not fret
To hold him all they can, take advantage of the time they get.
I'd tell all of the doctors to handle this Mommy with care
Standing in front of them, a fragile soul was there.

I wish I could go back to the hopeful Mother I was
To the woman who dreamed healthy children just because.
That was the way it was supposed to occur
After so much time trying for a son or daughter.
As I relive everyday of our tragedy it seems
That I lost my ability to dream.
My heart was shattered, my spirit violated
Losing the life my husband and I had created.
The truth of our reality remains
Our love was strong enough for whatever the story became.
We can't go back to who we once were
We can not give back the events that occurred.
We can only look forward and know that we
Are the same strong people as we were meant to be.
In times or pure joy and debilitating sorrow
We had precious time with our son even though it was borrowed.
All that we went through was necessary for healing
As we had to get through each intense feeling.
Would I give it all away or take it all back?
Not in a million years that's a definite fact.
We held our son in our arms now in our hearts forever
Would I trade health for my son?  I would not ever.

I will never be the hopeful Mother I was
And I never hope to because
I am not the Mother I was when I lost Trey
He makes me a better one in every way.
I take nothing for granted when it comes to our little girl
I cherish her always and make her my world.
I don't want to relive the time when I played the fool
And never considered how much life could be cruel.
It's shame to consider the jaded woman I have become
And I resent what I had to go through during the time I came from.
So my message, I guess, with my son up above
Cherish everyone all of the time with love.
We don't the time we have left on this earth
Hold your children close for everything that they are worth.

No comments:

Post a Comment