Thursday, February 20, 2014


I thought by now I would be well on my way to feeling "whole", or as "whole" as I can.  For me, being "whole" means that I have the three children I have always dreamed of having even if one is in Heaven.

But now, I am left with not one hole, but two.  My husband does not want another child as he is content with the two he has.  I won't speak for him as to his reasons but the impact of me respecting his choice is tumultuous.  It means I give up my dream of having three children, a dream that was manifested when I was very young.

I will admit that had our two children BOTH been healthy, his decision not to want another would have been easier  to bare. He has always wanted two but I always figured we would cross that bridge when we got there.

We're here now.

So now I am forced into my own reality which is not what was in "my plan" at all.  I communicated my desire, no my need as a Mother, for three children before we married but the tides changed on us.  We were betrayed by Mother Nature and God's saving grace in regards to Trey.  But mostly we were scarred and that effects us both differently though our grief is very much the same.

 So the first hole in my life, Trey, is now joined by the hole left by the child that is being denied me.  Now I grieve for two children, two holes that have doubled the odds against me that I will be whole again.

Loved ones are perplexed, saying, "How does he have the right to make that decision for both of you?" to which I agree but I am not willing to lose him over this.  I also believe in Divine Intervention which takes control over everything.

I am not sure if I am doing myself a disservice by accepting my fate or I am standing by my man, a Daddy who has been through more than ANY Daddy should go through.  I do know that it breaks my already shattered heart not to have my dream of the family I have always wanted dissolved, the tragedy magnified. I feel like the wounds, glazed over by our miracle Rainbow Baby, cracking through the surface, opened scars oozing disappointment and heartache.

What I do know is that, as only Baby Loss Parents have told me, the grief has not lessened, it has only changed.

Now, I grieve for the experiences I did not have with Trey but got to experience with Lorelei thinking I would be able to have them with another child.  These experiences don't replace him, but the mere idea of having them with two of his siblings softens the blow of not having them with him.

Lorelei brings us quite an adventure of parenthood which teaches us more than they teach her and I SO wanted to experience that with the third child I have always dreamed of.

For now, I am dealing with feeling (w)hole...

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