Thursday, October 30, 2014

For My Children

I hear this song this morning and never connected it with my children.  That has changed.



"Your Song"

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

From Where You Are




"From Where You Are"

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Hate the Grief not the Griever


Today is International Baby Loss Awareness Day as it is every October 15th.  I have flooded my Facebook page and the Angel Steps Facebook page with candles lit in honor of Angel Babies taken too soon.  This has caused me to reflect.

Thankfully I have never heard it, I would cut a !@#$#@, but there are those who claim that people have told them that they should "get over" losing their child.  I, for one, have a few things to say about that!  (Surprising, I know!)

The Angel Parents Club is one that NO ONE wants to join, we just happen to be in it due to horrific circumstances.  It is a lifelong commitment with NO chance of an obligatory fee to quit.  We are the only ones who know what it feels like to lose a baby, niece, nephew, Goddaughter, Godson, Grandchild, Great Grandchild, Cousin, 2nd Cousin, Step Daughter, Step Son, Foster Son, Foster Daughter...need I go on?  We stand up and support our own and welcome the support of everyone yet we are judged for our plight by those who do no understand what it is like to experience such a loss.

We speak about our children the same as any parent, they are, after all, still our children.  We honor their memories and carry them in our hearts at whatever capacity that gives us peace.  We rely on them as needed to help us start a new day and to put one foot in front of the other sometimes because their strength is all we have left of them.  We don't have the rest of their lives to celebrate, only the fleeting moments that we grip on to with the strength of Atlas himself because our children, just like all, are more than dreams.  They are hopes and plans for the future, our legacy, our progeny, our purpose for family, our bloodline, our namesake.  In my case, Trey was John Thomas Chatham III.  That name cannot continue and my husband and Father-In-Law are reminded of that every time they sign their name.  Imagine how often that is.  Try forgetting that.

Many of us support other efforts and organizations without judgment but some see our efforts as Angel Parents as living in the past.  Isn't that all we have, our past with our children?  We certainly don't have a future with them.  In fact, we can only imagine the milestones and futures our children would've had.  We support charities and causes because it is the right thing to do, not out of pity.  We don't want pity, simply understanding.

We parent our living children better than we might have because we know how precious each minute is with them and we know tomorrow holds no certainties.  We are more sensitive to those around us who are going through hard times, as, we too, have been through Hell and back and are still standing.
We do this because there is no other choice.  I have been told that I am so strong.  What choice did I have?  Some give me that look that suggests that I off myself.  That is not an option for me and many others but I won't judge anyone who ventured there.  I had to live because my son could not.  Our babies are not ready for us in Heaven, they want us to live their legacies and make them proud with our accomplishments.  It can be inferred that they have taken the parent role in watching us make accomplishments and milestones in life instead of the other way around.  In that case, I want to make my son proud.  

It is a heavy weight to bear, but the daily strength training Angel Parents do enhances our lives and makes us healthier people.  They are our Scarlet Letter to some, but to us they are our Red Badge of Courage.

There is no cure for what we have gone through.

There is no law that can be passed to make it right.

There is no political party to call upon to take it away.

There is no army to fight it off.

There is no god to pray to that will reverse what has happened.

We live daily with holes in our hearts yet our hearts are full of love for our children, Earthly and Heavenly.

We know that you can't always support our cause with donations or gifts, neither can we always reciprocate.  Our only wish is that you support our cause with whatever you can, whether it be funding, prayers or hugs.  We always pledge the same.  We did not choose this, we only want to live and love through it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Everyone Else is Doing it, Why can't I?

So, I have reached the point in my life where the possibility of having another child is slim.  Add insult to injury, lots of my friends are having second and third children.   I am happy for them in my heart, but there are small pockets that SCREAM I wish it were me!  I have been here before with all of the infertility problems I had.  It was especially painful to know that others can get pregnant right away.  There are so many parents who don't take care of the ones they have but keep getting pregnant with ease.

This weekend I was watching one of my favorite shows which stars a women who had 5 miscarriages before she gave birth to a boy.  Her son ended up being on the severe side of the Autism spectrum.  Is that the reason that the Universe, God, fate, whatever maintain it is not in my grand plan of life?  The thing is, I would gladly take another child no matter the problems that came along with him or her.  I have dealt with it before and wish he was well enough to have some kind of productive life.

So here I sit, jipped again, heartbroken over the loss of my first born and mourning the possibility of the third child I have always wanted.  I am enjoying every minute, even the difficult ones, with my Rainbow darling but it occurs to me with every struggle and triumph, it will the only time I get to experience it.

I find myself salty towards those who warn about various stages of a child's life, "The Terrible 2's", The Troublesome 3's", puberty, teenage, college, etc. And then there are those who say, "Oh, boy are you in trouble!"   Honestly, I have taken advantage of all of them to teach my child instead of fret.  I can't say there haven't been moments but those who say it goes fast are often the ones that dread each period of life.  Maybe I am biased because I do not have multiple children, but then there it goes again, the sorrow over having just one Earthly child.

She would make such a WONDERFUL big sister.  I welcome the challenges if they were to exist, I always love a challenge.  But the challenge I am facing now are almost unbearable.  I know I will get through them but I will never get over not having them and that is the greatest challenge of all.

The fact is, I DID lose a child, but that should not mean I should be denied the third child I have always dreamed (since I was 5) that would complete our family.

It seems sorrow is followed by heartbreak of the consequences of our loss.  The mourning is cyclical I do not know how to break the cycle.  The hubby is not budging and decisions are made by the family.  I have considered his side, he is traumatized still.  I just wish he wasn't so afraid.  "No one got anywhere by being scared all the time", Shelby said in Steel Magnolias.  Still, I am honoring his wishes, or am I sacrificing myself.  I am not sure, it is so muddy in that place.

I simply pray that Divine Intervention will once again teach me that all things happen in their own time the way they always have in my life.

Impatience is NOT a virtue!  Le sigh....

Monday, August 18, 2014




"I Never Told You"

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa...

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you (still you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you (And I'm lovin' you, I never should have walked away)
After all the things we've been through (I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa...

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you (still you're gone)
Can't believe it, I still want you (And I'm lovin' you, I never should have walked away)
After all the things we've been through (I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa, no, no...

Friday, August 15, 2014

Handbook





Recently, I was given a "talking to" by someone who did not agree with my daughter knowing about Trey.  This came from someone who has not a child but has experienced loved ones losing a child so that makes them an expert.  It started with me sharing that Lorelei asked about a dog who had recently passed away and I told her that the dog was playing with Trey in Heaven.  She was upset about the pictures we have of him in the house.  One of the picture collages was taken down when our bedroom was painted and has not been put up since.  My favorite picture of him is high on our piano and she can not see it.  The only other picture is the of her looking at his picture as a baby.  She expressed her extreme concern for our daughter.

I was really upset by the conversation which included the term "dead baby" and burdening our daughter.  There was also a mention of my need to seek professional help and that I have not accepted the fact that Trey is dead.  I was told that talking to Trey is unhealthy and that our daughter should not be "burdened" by our grief.

To this I thanked her for sharing but said that my husband I will decide what is right for our daughter.  Lorelei asked about a picture we have on our wall of her as a baby looking at his picture.  She wanted to know who the baby was and we told her.  Did we go into details? No!  She understands that Trey is helping and playing with the Angels and that he watches over her.  When a balloon gets let go of, she tells Trey to catch it.  She is no way burdened by any grief and has never once got upset over him.  She mentions him every now and again then goes about her way.  Our lives do not revolve around our grief.  We keep on living holding in our hearts because that is what we have to do

The way my husband and I see it is just because he is gone, that does not mean he is not a part of out family.  We love both of our children dearly and we choose to include him in our lives.  Do we obsess over it? No!.  We joke about little weird things that happen in the house that have no explanation like toys turning on by themselves and we blame Trey.  Most of our interactions with Trey are light hearted for the occasional break down which is bound to happen in a case like this.

My advice for those who have not lost a child is, if you have the handbook on grieving through child loss, hand it over.  You don't have to like what we are doing but respect our decisions.  She is no way in danger or emotional peril so please back off.  We would stop talking about him if we sensed it was upsetting her.  She will have more questions about him and we will handle those when they come in the same manner.

Friday, April 18, 2014

You'll Be In My Heart





"You'll Be In My Heart"

Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?
We need each other
To have, to hold.
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
[another version says: "Believe me, you'll be in my heart"]
I'll be there from this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart (you'll be here in my heart)
No matter what they say (I'll be with you)
You'll be here in my heart (I'll be there), always
Always
I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there always.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

After Days

Every year is hard but this year seems to be the hardest.
Why is it when it's now we've come the farthest.
After you passes another child was within hope.
The hope of a healthy child helped us to cope.
Our healthy daughter is a blessing to treasure.
Even though our grief would never lose any measure.
The hope that was there back then is depleted.
This year the pain I feel is greater now that I have been cheated.
The third child I wanted is not in "the plan".
So these memorial days have passed, now I do what I can.
I struggle to find the hope I felt after you passed.
To have the family I've always dreamt of is all in the past.
Your Daddy can't bear to go through all of it again.
To live through of it brings the memories back from within.
My dream of more life takes it's place in the back seat.
Another loss, another hope, another grief in which to retreat.
The days past the memories should be bring me the same peace
As when we gave you health, the most selfish release.
Instead I feel robbed again, as if losing you wasn't enough.
The mourning the child that could've been has been extremely rough.
So I ask you grant me patience for what might be.
For the future that I fail to see.
I need peace in my heart that my dreams will be fulfilled
In whatever way my fate has it sealed.
These days after will be haunted by the dreams that I feel.
Change my thoughts and my focus on my blessed present.
And the purpose for which my life has been meant.
I can not live in the life of what could've.
But enjoy all the blessings of the ones that I love.
In hopes that one day my dreams will be fulfilled
In the manner in which time will me until
We meet in Heaven and I understand what it was all about.
My life and my love with will be my blessed account.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Ship Of Fools

Today is April Fools Day.  I have always enjoyed an innocent prank on this day until I experienced a betrayal.

5 years ago today we were overjoyed from the phone call we got that there was a bed at the local children's hospital for our son.

Little did we know the shit storm we were in for.

Trey almost had the opportunity to ride in a helicopter but he ended up in an ambulance, with me in the passenger seat wishing I were back in the cab with him.  I witnessed cars not pulling aside for the sirens and the driver driving over curbs to get him there.  John drove by himself, opting to let me "ride with him" and when we got there, the nurse in the ambulance said that he had "an attitude problem" on the way there which meant he  had to be stabilized.  Maybe that is the reason why they didn't allow me back there.   I said to her, "Little asshole!", and she hugged me  laughingly and said, "Don't lose that sense of humor in this situation."

When we got to the children's hospital, I was desperate to find my husband which was a difficult feat considering the understandable res tape you have to get through in any children's hospital.

When I did find him, we could not see Trey because he was getting "settled in" which  means stabilization and evaluation.  When we finally could see him it was fairly short, then the doctors whisked us away for a chat.  That is when our bubbles burst, the day that should've been a celebration and hope for our son's health fell to pieces.

"We have a feeling you haven't been told the whole story."

The Dean of Medicine of the NICU nodded his head.

Our hearts sank.

My mind fogged.

We had been fooled on the day we finally had hope.

To this day I have to ask my husband to translate what the doctors said even though I know what I know now.  He had to explain it over and over because he is left brained and he gets it.

My heart did not get it and refused to get it.

My brain knew.

But despite our hearts feeling and our brains knowing, he still lied to us.  Trey was dying all along.

I wish this was an April Fools joke...I truly wish

Sunday, March 30, 2014

My Only Regret

I don't regret bringing my son into the world.  I don't regret anything about him...save one.

I wish I would've spent more time with him.  He was so fragile that the staff at the hospital had to get him back to homeostasis when we left due to the exposure of stimulus he received from our visits.  This worried us so we limited our time with him so that he would rest and get better, the way we were made to believe that he would.

I ached for him so much when we were apart yet felt sorrow at the sight of his fragile body.  I loved, and still love, him dearly.  I longed for the time when we could spend time with him when he was on the mend but at that time he needed his strength, how ever little there was of it.

It makes me feel like a selfish, awful mother, a woman to focused on the hope of a healthy future for him only to realize that that time was fleeting.  I should have cherished the time we had with him no matter what was to occur.  He needed me and I was not there.

We were fooled in regards to his health yet my presence should have been there to comfort him and at least see him through the hard days.

I cannot fault my husband, as he said, "My place is with you."  It killed him to see his son in that state too, but his tenderness towards Trey showed his love.

Hind sight is 20/20 but the most painful reminder to me of the time I squandered.  I might have been able to bear being there when he passed had I spent more time with him, addicted to holding him in my arms.  I could not stomach it.  I am a coward.

It haunts my heart, especially at this time of year.  I imagine how it  must have looked at the NICU in the hospital he was born in, unless the nurses knew too.  I pray they understood that we wanted him to be in the best of health for his transfer.  He became slightly unstable during our visits, not so much as he was in danger, just his excitement for us to be there.  I venture to guess how he would've gradually calmed and the reactions he was having would've been less severe if I had spent more time with him.  I will never know.  I never gave it a chance.  I never gave him a chance.

How was I to know?

Still, he was my child and he needed me and I was not there.  I should've  been there to calm him in his excitement and to encourage him to rest.  I was not there to do that.

Was it merely my heart refusing t accept the inevitable?  That is of no consequence, I should have been there for whatever time I could, to take advantage of the short time I had with my son, even if we were led to believe he was on the mend.

I know he understands and has no need to forgive.

I know he knows that I will never forgive myself for my selfishness, though he wishes I would.

I will never forgive myself, it is unacceptable for me as a mother.  I failed him when he needed me the most.  I will forever be ashamed of this.

That time was precious, I squandered it.

I am so sorry son.  Trey, I can't take it back, though I wish I could.  I can't give it to you to hold and keep away from my heart.  You have always had too much on your tiny shoulders.

I hold it like a talisman, a scarlet letter, to remind me how precious time is, and to never take it for granted again.

Still, this is my one regret and I will never forget it or forgive it.

Again, I am sorry my sweet son.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Touching Tribute

grave

A grieving mom’s thoughtful gesture for her toddler is prompting tears and an outpouring of support from parents who have lost a child. Ashlee Hammac, who lives in Lake City, Fla., decided to add a sandbox to the grave site of her baby boy so that her older son, Tucker, would be more comfortable visiting the resting place.

“I wanted him to have a happy memory with his brother and not the memory of his mama crying for days,” Hammac, 24, told TODAY Moms. “Since we've had that out there, he’ll actually ask sometimes to go and play with baby Ryan… He calls that baby Ryan’s house.”
Ryan was born last October, one day after Hammac’s birthday.

When he arrived, Ryan didn't cry and he wasn't breathing. Doctors told Hammac her placenta had ruptured and a team of nurses whisked the baby away before she got a chance to see what he looked like.

Doctors finally got Ryan's heart to beat, but the little boy was suffering from severe hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy (HIE), a condition in which the brain does not receive enough oxygen. Ryan had no brain activity recorded at any time after he was born, Hammac said. He died five days later.

Hammac, who is a single mom, has been visiting Ryan’s grave every day, bringing 3-year-old Tucker along on days when there was no one else to watch him. She noticed the boy would often want to play on top of the grave and that’s when she got the idea to add the unusual feature.  “He has a sandbox at home and absolutely loves it,” Hammac said. “I think it helps him because he doesn’t get so upset talking about him when he can go out there.”

She posted a photo of Tucker visiting Ryan’s resting place on her Facebook page to show her family. Her mom then allowed a support group to post the picture and the response was overwhelming. Almost 50,000 people have shared the photo on Facebook and 175,000 have liked it.

Hammac had mixed emotions at first about the image becoming so public, but after getting lots of support for her decision and her charity, which raises awareness of HIE, the photo “has felt like a blessing,” she said.  While the photo may strike some as odd, it actually shows something very healthy, said Robin F. Goodman, a psychologist specializing in bereavement issues, She praised Hammac for being open and honest about her baby’s passing and for acclimating her older son to the idea of life and death.  


Grief and healing: Mom adds sandbox to baby's grave so son can 'play' with brother


It’s not a taboo subject in this family,” said Goodman, the executive director of A Caring Hand, The Billy Esposito Foundation in New York, which helps kids and families cope with death.  “You don’t have to hide when something sad happens.”

Young children like Tucker don’t fully understand death and are reacting to the environment around them and the emotions of their parents, Goodman said. It’s not until age 8 or 9 that kids grasp the concept of death.
They also grieve and mourn in their own ways. A toddler, upset that something is different, may regress and have bathroom accidents or tantrums, Goodman said. School-age kids may feel sad, angry, lonely, and be worried the death is their fault or feel scared that somebody else will die. Teens may try hard not to show their feelings, become more isolated or act out with drugs or alcohol. 

There are some basic steps parents can take to help kids through grief.  “You want to keep the routine and structure as normal as possible, because it helps give them a sense of security and comfort and stability,” Goodman said.  “Make sure you give them outlets for expressing their feelings… (and) make sure you’re talking with them about what’s going on.”

For more resources about helping kids cope with grief, visit The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

http://www.today.com/moms/grief-healing-mom-adds-sandbox-babys-grave-so-son-can-2D79381429 

Friday, March 28, 2014

5

fingers to touch
years of bedtime stories
years "Good Morning"
toes to tickle
birthdays
Angel Dates
Trey Days
hugs at daily pick-up
years of blogging
years of mourning
years of surviving
Father's Days
Mother's Days
rooms upstairs, one empty
Christmases
senses to explore
Halloween costumes
Easters
Thanksgivings
school days in a week
years of pictures
the sum of your birth date
years sympathy
pieces of furniture in your room
members of my dream family of 3 kids
my lucky number
members of our family before you, including pets
family members when we had you, including pets
days in the hospital for your birth
time my water broke
years I have missed you
weeks Daddy took off work to be with me
lanterns we'll release on your Angel Day
service projects for you
oceans you would've explored
grandparents
Great Aunts on Mommy's side
Great Uncles on Mommy's side
Great Uncles on Daddy's side
summers at the pool
 Grand "Neighbors"

years I have loved you...


New Domain Name

Sooooooo, I got a new debit card and forgot to update it with my domain server.   Someone else is now the "proud" owner of that site.  SMH, just in time for our Trey dates. 

Well, I guess it was time for a refresh so I am rolling with it!  Please save this new domain to your browser!!

treysangelsteps.org

As always, thank you for your support and love!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

How Do I Love Thee

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways

I love that your my son and my first born.
I love your name, your Daddy's namesake.
I love how you were born at the start of Spring.
I love your sweet little face, even though I did not see it through the tubes.
I love your blue eyes that you opened for me and let me take a picture.
I love your tiny hands and fingers that your wrapped around mine.
I love your tiny toes, chubby like Mommy's
I love your soft and skin and that I got to caress them.
I love your tender cheeks that I nuzzled with my own,
I love your long torso and short legs, just like your Daddy's.
I love how your heart rate when up when we were near even though it worried me.
I love your dark soft hair which would've surely had curls.
I love all the time we were blessed to spend with you no matter how hard it sometimes was.
I love the way you were peaceful when we read, sang or talked to you.
I love the way you felt in my arms.
I love the way you settled into your Daddy's embrace.
I love how you enjoyed your first bath.
I love you copping an attitude on the ride to the children's hospital.
I love how serene you looked while sleeping.
I love your stubby little nose that I gave Eskimo Kisses to.
I love the proof that you were alive in the beeping machines.
I love how you waited for us to be ready to let you go.
I love your determination to live despite the odds.
I love and strive to have your level of bravery.
I love that you listened to me and went home to Heaven.
I love how you inspire me and so many others.
I love how happy you make me when I think of you.
I love the tears I cry for you as they reflect my love for you.
I love being able to talk to you and feeling that you are truly there.
I love feeling your kisses in the wind.
I love feeling you nearby.
I love knowing that you watch over your sister.
I love it that she is starting to know and love you the way we do.
I love hearing your name from everyone who loves you.
I love your many nicknames like Trey-Bay and Trouper.
I love the songs that remind me of you even though they are sometimes hard to get through.
I love that you share an Angel Date with my hero Martin Luther King Jr.
I love saying that I have two children even though you are only with us in spirit.
I love reaching out to other Angel Parents as a part of your legacy.
I love doing service projects in your name.
I love that you were cared for at Children's Healthcare with dignity and respect.
I love that you fought for life without us knowing how sick you were.
I love that you were knew to be born early so that you would be safer.
I love thinking of you in Heaven as the age you actually are.
I love that you get to be with all of the people I love in Heaven, especially Mucca.
I love the thought of you helping other Angel Babies that enter Heaven's Playground.
I love that there are so many things to love about you that it would take me forever to list them.

I love you to infinity and beyond my dear son, always and forever.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Would've

Trey would've been

5
in Kindergarten in the Fall
reading to his sister
playing a sport
on the swim team
looking forward to loose teeth
fluent on the computer
making rockets with Papa
glad to help as a big brother
acing Pre-K
rugged
learning everything Daddy knows (which is a lot)
practicing gifted skills with Mommy
playing with neighborhood kids
adding and subtracting
playing outside by himself
enjoying his favorite cartoons
eating his favorite foods
asking to do his favorite activity
obsessing over learning everything about a certain topic
able to tell you what he wanted to be when he grew up
crushing on some girl (maybe)
helping with chores around the house
loving having his own room
kicking his sister out of said room
writing letters to Santa
picking his own Birthday party site
learning to tie his shoes
able to pick out his own clothes
correcting Mommy on her driving instead of Daddy
riding in his final booster seat
playing strategic video games
dirty after he played
coming home when the street lights came on
looking forward to riding the school bus
working to earn spending money
learning how to save
going to Disney World
choosing a best friend
wanting to be bigger
choosing a favorite color
able to choose his own hair cut
embarrassed by his parents at times
well mannered
having Mommy dates to practice being a gentleman
right or left handed
writing in his own handwriting style
telling us about his favorite animal
begging for his favorite pet
choosing his own room decor
still willing to give hugs and kisses
needing his Mommy and Daddy (at times)
reading and rereading his favorite book
watching and re-watching his favorite movie
ordering the same flavor of ice cream every time
fighting us on his bedtime


healthy
happy
alive

Going Back

These days, at this time of year, always haunt me.
Turn in me and taunt me.
I return to that 32 year old new Mother
And a new Father, they leaned on each other.
They never knew the rough path ahead
They would've rather had their son healthy instead.
I want to go back to that that time
And hold their hearts close to mine.
Take their excruciating pain away
And give them their child's Happy Birthday.
They fought so hard through the pain and strife
Of their first born losing his life.
I want to reassure them that they would be ok
Even through thinking and hurting for their son everyday.
I would scream at the doctor to let him go in peace
Or tell truth about his health at the very least.
I would get him to the children's hospital quicker
So he wouldn't have to be even sicker.
I would give any healthiness left in him to
The other babies in the NICU so they would make it through.
I would our former selves to not fret
To hold him all they can, take advantage of the time they get.
I'd tell all of the doctors to handle this Mommy with care
Standing in front of them, a fragile soul was there.

I wish I could go back to the hopeful Mother I was
To the woman who dreamed healthy children just because.
That was the way it was supposed to occur
After so much time trying for a son or daughter.
As I relive everyday of our tragedy it seems
That I lost my ability to dream.
My heart was shattered, my spirit violated
Losing the life my husband and I had created.
The truth of our reality remains
Our love was strong enough for whatever the story became.
We can't go back to who we once were
We can not give back the events that occurred.
We can only look forward and know that we
Are the same strong people as we were meant to be.
In times or pure joy and debilitating sorrow
We had precious time with our son even though it was borrowed.
All that we went through was necessary for healing
As we had to get through each intense feeling.
Would I give it all away or take it all back?
Not in a million years that's a definite fact.
We held our son in our arms now in our hearts forever
Would I trade health for my son?  I would not ever.

I will never be the hopeful Mother I was
And I never hope to because
I am not the Mother I was when I lost Trey
He makes me a better one in every way.
I take nothing for granted when it comes to our little girl
I cherish her always and make her my world.
I don't want to relive the time when I played the fool
And never considered how much life could be cruel.
It's shame to consider the jaded woman I have become
And I resent what I had to go through during the time I came from.
So my message, I guess, with my son up above
Cherish everyone all of the time with love.
We don't the time we have left on this earth
Hold your children close for everything that they are worth.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

These Days

"These are the days I'll remember" sang Natalie Merchant and the lyrics are never as true as at this time of the year.  After my husband's birthday on February 23, the wait begins.

The wait for these days to be over.

The wait for these days not to bring back so many hard memories.

The wait for the pain not to creep back.

The wait until I can hold him Heaven.

The dates leading up to anniversary of being admitted into the have faded from my memory but the events did not.  At this time 5 years ago, the doctors were concerned about how much fluid I was gaining and making appointments for me to get Trey's heart scanned.  It was terrifying to know that ym first born could be in trouble and my health was also at risk.

5 years...it's hard to believe but these days of waiting confirm it.

People assume that time heals all wounds, not true when you lose a child.  The grief just changes.

It changed when we had our daughter.

It has recently changed due to the fact that my husband does not want another child so I feel like I am grieving two children instead of one.

The tears and sadness don't hit as often, but when they do, they are crippling.

I was speaking with my friend, Sophie, who went through the same thing as we did around the same time, same diagnosis, we both agree that the grief that the grief has changed and we aren't sure how we made it this far...but we did.

There are always more times of the year that are hard, the holidays, Mother's Day, etc.

This Fall is going to be tough, he would have started Kindergarten this year. Seeing all of the bright new faces coming into school will only serve as a reminder of what we missed experiencing with our dear son.

Though these days come and go, and are often easier than I imagine, they are nonetheless a part of our grief and at times can be hard to bare.

I know that the prayers and thoughts of my loved ones surround me and my husband is always a soft place to land.  I look to the Heavens and always ask Trey to be with us, come down and hold us when the sadness hits.

Hopefully one day, these days will help me heal.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

(W)hole

I thought by now I would be well on my way to feeling "whole", or as "whole" as I can.  For me, being "whole" means that I have the three children I have always dreamed of having even if one is in Heaven.

But now, I am left with not one hole, but two.  My husband does not want another child as he is content with the two he has.  I won't speak for him as to his reasons but the impact of me respecting his choice is tumultuous.  It means I give up my dream of having three children, a dream that was manifested when I was very young.

I will admit that had our two children BOTH been healthy, his decision not to want another would have been easier  to bare. He has always wanted two but I always figured we would cross that bridge when we got there.

We're here now.

So now I am forced into my own reality which is not what was in "my plan" at all.  I communicated my desire, no my need as a Mother, for three children before we married but the tides changed on us.  We were betrayed by Mother Nature and God's saving grace in regards to Trey.  But mostly we were scarred and that effects us both differently though our grief is very much the same.

 So the first hole in my life, Trey, is now joined by the hole left by the child that is being denied me.  Now I grieve for two children, two holes that have doubled the odds against me that I will be whole again.

Loved ones are perplexed, saying, "How does he have the right to make that decision for both of you?" to which I agree but I am not willing to lose him over this.  I also believe in Divine Intervention which takes control over everything.

I am not sure if I am doing myself a disservice by accepting my fate or I am standing by my man, a Daddy who has been through more than ANY Daddy should go through.  I do know that it breaks my already shattered heart not to have my dream of the family I have always wanted dissolved, the tragedy magnified. I feel like the wounds, glazed over by our miracle Rainbow Baby, cracking through the surface, opened scars oozing disappointment and heartache.

What I do know is that, as only Baby Loss Parents have told me, the grief has not lessened, it has only changed.

Now, I grieve for the experiences I did not have with Trey but got to experience with Lorelei thinking I would be able to have them with another child.  These experiences don't replace him, but the mere idea of having them with two of his siblings softens the blow of not having them with him.

Lorelei brings us quite an adventure of parenthood which teaches us more than they teach her and I SO wanted to experience that with the third child I have always dreamed of.

For now, I am dealing with feeling (w)hole...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


From Trey...and to him




"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Falling Slowly

For Trey...





 I don't know you, but I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
The moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
Well, you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing it no


Read more: Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Do What You Have to Do

This song has always held a connection with me even after nearly 5 years since we let our little boy go.  I still do what I have to do to get by and I still don't know how to let him go. 


Hallelujah

I heard this song today that I have always loved but I made a different connection to it.  This song now reminds me of the difficult decisions both my husband and I had to make and continue to make, together or separately, in regards to our son Trey and his passing.  I am so grateful for my husband for holding me up in my darkest hours and being my soft place to land. 




I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I just realized how lonely I am

Much like in the days following the loss of our son, I find my self in month three of sitting at home mourning something I lost and wondering when everything will be ok again.

I have never lost a job, not in my 21 years in the work force.  But due to one boss's opinion of me after 13 years at the same job, 12 of which were  met with rave reviews, I find myself hoping for another boss to take a chance on me so that I can prove that one bad egg shouldn't make one's career go out with the rest of the dozen of eggs.

3 months and 12 interviews later, I am mourning my unemployment, lack of income, first school "home" and "family", pride, and upstanding reputation.  I am drowning in anxiety, depression, boredom, doubt, worry,

Loser

I lost Trey.
I lost faith.
I lost hope.
I lost myself.
I lost my full heart.
I lost a future with my son.
I lost my husband's namesake.
I lost my new mother status.
I lost my maternity leave.
I lost milestones.
I lost ballgames.
I lost his first day of school.
I lost his prom.
I lost John teaching him how to shave.
I lost my self esteem.
I lost my pride.
I lost my trust in myself.
I lost my first born.
I lost my dignity.
I lost my dream family.
I lost my innocence.
I lost my belief in anything holy.
I lost my tears.
I lost raising him.
I lost his first love.
I lost grandchildren.
I lost John Thomas IV.
I lost rocket building lessons.
I lost "the talk".
I lost the purpose of his nursery.
I lost a potential daughter-in-law.
I lost the joy of his birth.
I lost so much more.

I lost my son.
  

Friday, January 31, 2014

Giving Up...

Really feeling this song today.  The hubby REALLY does not want another baby, I have tried all I can and the fight is leaving me even though my heart is breaking. I love my husband and our two children, I just always wanted three.  My husband is an awesome man who has been through a lot as a father and I am not willing to let this end our marriage. I feel like I got robbed of one baby and I am giving up on another...



Say Something

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something