Thursday, October 17, 2013

Just One More

For as long as I can remember I have wanted 3 kids.  When I was little my mom tried to advise me not to because someone would have to sit alone on the roller coaster.  But the number 3 as far as kids goes always stuck with me.

Now that I am 2/3 toward my goal, my husband and I differ in our opinion about having another baby.  My husband is content with our two children, even though one is in Heaven and I am desperate for him to change his mind.  It doesn't help that I don't have a job right now but my dream of having another child to complete my vision of our family still lives.  Considering it takes two too make a baby, it seems to be out of my hands.

My need for another baby, just that, a need.  I feel it in EVERY cell of my being but I don't think he understands that maternal side of things which is understandable.  In his paternal aspect, there is a lot of fear.  Losing a child drives that fear but he also is afraid of the month of colic we experienced with our daughter in her first month of life and a nerve racking.  These are reasonable fears and I am right there with him in these fears.  In the same note, I went through both the physical, emotional, and mental aspects of both pregnancies and true, he was right there with me, but most women I know will testify that they she would do it all over again just to have the family she always desired.

It's heartbreaking to consider the possibility of not having another child when I have already lost one.  I would hate to think of the hole in my heart that my son Trey lives in heart would be joined by another, the one I didn't have.  It's like losing Trey all over again and makes his death that much more tragic but this time I would be mourning 2 children.

I believe wholly that my daughter would make an EXCELLENT big sister and I would hate for her to grow up an only living child.  I look at her growth and milestones and it saddens me that this might be my only chance to watch a child of mine grow up.  I also I know in my heart and soul that another child will be born healthy and happy if given a chance to live.  I also know that if he gives it a chance, he won't regret it

I understand and sympathize with my husband's fear, but to quote my favorite movie Steel Magnolias, "No one got anywhere by being scared all the time".  He says he done having children when he turns 40 in February, 4 months away so my fears about not having a child grow a little every day.  I'll admit that I push him by saying, :when we have another child" and protesting his decision, but that is how desperate I feel.  It seems her is settled with his decision, and I say "his" because it's not my decision even though it should be OUR decision.  I can't make him have another child but I am afraid that I will resent him for not giving this idea a chance.  I will forever regret not having another child if his decision is the end all be all.

I only pray that there is peace in whatever is to come.

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