Thursday, May 30, 2013

Life Long Learner

Somehow I knew that this school year was going to be a doozy and up until now, I did not realize what an understatement that was. 

Long story short our principal is in her second year at our school but this is her first principalship of her career.  Needless to say she is trying to prove herself to her superior therefore asserting her dominance by micromanaging.  She also wants to pull her own people in that will make her look good as a leader.  Her ultimate goal, I am told is to be on the school board.  A part of bringing her own people in as teachers is getting rid of the teachers she considers undesirable, in my case, unconventional, a notion I did not consider until I remembered one of my colleagues get let go last year.

She kept me under her thumb all school year, always telling me what I wasn't doing right and letting me fail by not giving me feedback on my plans.  She had an answer to every disagreement I had with her critique even more when I caught her on the first answer.  No matter what I did to please her and do things her way, it was not enough, I should have done everything her way from the start.  Given so little feedback I was expected to resort to my lack of mind reading skills.  My evaluation was not good and my contract was not renewed,  forcing me to resign for personal reasons in lieu of fighting the dismissal and having a nonrenewable contract on my file, which is the kiss of death for teachers looking for work.

So here I sit blogging on my last day of post planning as all of my work is done.  It's amazing how much work you can get done when you're angry.  While I am hoping that my boss let's me go since my work is done, highly unlikely,  so my torture here will be done and I can move on to the next chapter in my life which is bound to be better for me.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook and know that now is the time that life is directing a change whether I like it or not and it will be for the better.  After all, didn't losing Trey lead to Lorelei, my revised outlook on the preciousness of life, and my outreach through Angel Steps?

I was often reminded during this school year about my journey after losing Trey: the sleepless nights,  being physically ill, crying constantly,  lack of appetite  imbibing,  not wanting to be alone, begging my husband to come home from work,  roller coaster of grief emotions, desperation to wake up from the nightmare,  and utter hopelessness for the futures.  I don't have a job much like I didn't have a living child back then.  For a period of time this year I thought things were looking up just like I had hope that moving Trey to the children's hospital would be the positive turning point, instead,  in both scenarios, it all came crumbling down.  I never thought I would get remotely close to that type of grief again and it is mourning for me.  I am losing my school family, the school home I have had for my entire 13 years of teaching, my job, my pride and my faith in the goodness of people I thought were friends.

I always pride myself on being a life long learner and I am searching for the lesson in my life now.  With Trey I learned no matter how angry and bitter you are with someone wishing them equal harm does not fix the situation or help you grow.  Instead, it brings you down to their level.  Regret however, will come on it's own and I don't have to be responsible for that.  I guess now is the time for me to get my graduate degree in that lesson.  Here's hoping for straight A's!

No comments:

Post a Comment