Thursday, April 11, 2013

4 Years in Heaven on 4/4/1+3

So the number 4 creeps into my life once again with it's tail between it's legs.  During the time of Trey's short life, the number 4 resonated, from his time of birth to his time of passing.  Everything was connected to the number 4.  My lucky number has always been 5 but 4 trumped it in the depths of our grief. 

This year, Trey would have been 4 and this year he had hi 4th Angelversary.  At this point we are a family of 4, John and I and our 2 children.  Months ago I decided that I wanted to try for another baby, no doubt to get back to my lucky number 5, after Trey's 4th Birthday.  I could have started earlier but I had a strong feeling about Trey being 4 and waiting until after that birthday.  I want so badly to turn our Earthly family into a family of 4 so I can reclaim the number 5 adding Trey.

But that 4 is a sly one.  My husband has gone back and forth about having another child.  Is 4 waiting in the shadows to plague our lives forever?

It is in my soul and every cell of my body to have 3 children, I have dreamt about it my whole life.  I still feel that a 3rd child is in my future, I see him/her (but mainly him) standing with Trey waiting for the right time.  This same decisiveness plagued my hopes and my husband's heart after we lost Trey.  He was shell shocked by the loss of his first born, his son, and by the birth of our daughter spent the first few months rocking our eardrums.

I always say to him my favorite line from the movie Steal Magnolias, "No one got anywhere by being scarred all the time." 

I feel like having another child is not only a service to our daughter, who would be an AWESOME big sister, but also a completion to our family.  It seems, selfishly, that things would come for circle for me with one more child.  Of course, as with Lorelei, I was not trying to replace Trey, just giving hope to life and the family we always wanted.  I can't give up on that.  When I see babies I yearn for another one of my own, despite the challenges.  I don't want us to be a family of 4, 4 has already intruded enough.

So listen up 4, I won't go down easily!  You've had the upper hand before but your days are numbered!

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