Monday, March 11, 2013


12 days from now is Trey's 4th Birthday, 13 days after that is his Angel Day.

25 days seems like a long time compared to the short time we had with our son.  It seems like a lifetime to me, a time I wish would pass quickly and peacefully.  Usually the time passes much easier than this and I often expect for each year to get better.  This has been a shitty year for me to say the least.  The hammer has dropped at work, Lorelei is a savant in the terrible 2's (which is not a problem for me but it tries my husband's patience so), the 13's are flowing steady, and my husband had spinal surgery that left him recovering with no way to help out around the house.  I think this year would have been the easier year I pictured if not for all of these things.

I feel trapped.  Trapped in a career that I got three degrees towards and my credibility does not matter anymore which emasculates me.  Trapped in the grief that hugs me during this time of the year.  Trapped in the position of caring for my recovering husband and active daughter.  Trapped in a life I have no control over.

I always say that time is a cruel master if you let it be.  I don't want to be held hostage by time but there are some things that we have to weather through, be it any hardship in life.  When we come out on the other side we feel accomplished and proud.  My favorite singer, Alanis Morissette said it best, "The only way out is through, the faster we're in the better.  The only way out is through ultimately.

The journey is the hardest part but we learn so much about life and ourselves while waling our path.  I know that my slump will produce a strong outcome but right now it just sucks.  I am trying to see the sunshine beyond the storm.  It is the only choice I have, the only choice I have always had.

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