Monday, February 25, 2013

I Will Always Love You

Our Angel Baby's song to us...


If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way

And I... will always love you, ooh
I will always love you
You
My darling you
Mmm-mm

Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye
Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
You, ooh

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you

I, I will always love
You....
You
Darling I love you
I'll always
I'll always
Love
You..
Oooh
Ooohhh

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Sunshine

At present I am looking at the desktop wallpaper of our computer that my husband chose.  To paint a picture, it is, what I can only guess is a sunset into an island horizon over the ocean.  In the image, the sun is rising or setting on the right side of the picture.   Also in the image the sun is reflected in a stream in the water yet it also shows a stream of light pointing towards Heaven. 

It's amazing to me that the sun, the source of all life, shines down on Earth yet still reaches for it's roots. 

This is a visual that gives relevance to our connection with our earthly home and the Heavens or solar system that enables our existence.

Now some believe in a god that created all that we know,  still others search the galaxy for other answers.  As for myself,  I am open to any reason for being, be it God or something else.

I was raised to believe that God, his Son and the Holy Ghost created everything we know as living beings.  Science says that a sudden serge of some sort enabled life to begin on our planet.  Still there are those who believe that other beings planted us here for a purpose unknown to us. 

The image that observed on my computer,  and my experiences with sun rises and sunsets, the connection with our world speaks volumes.  The very sun that is assigned to us fuels everything that our lives need.  It steers our moon's cycles which effects the ebb and flow of our tides and sometimes our spirits.  There are many other connections if one were to ponder,  but there is nothing in this world that does not thrive, either directly or via proxy, that can exist without the sun.

This brings me back to the image I examined tonight.  It seemed like a hint to us of such connections, if only we would stop long enough to view and consider it.

That leads me to the thought of the connection to those we have loved and lost.  The sun is ever present, it connects us to all we know,  both physically and in the abstract.

I embrace the connection, no matter any theory behind it, due to the beauty of it's vision.  I want to believe that those we have love but have passed on connect with us through sunbeams, a warm light, physically and spiritually.

I feel hope in the connection.  It doesn't matter the theories, it's the belief.

I wanna be the one who walks in the sun.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Double Jepardy

Recently a mother at my daughter's daycare gave birth at 32 weeks.  I didn't know much about her before now except that her daughter and mine are besties with crush on one of the boys at daycare.  So when the daycare guru told me the news I tried to comb my memory for what she looked like although I knew her daughter.  I needed to picture her face so that I could keep her in my mind as  I thought positive thoughts surrounding her situation.

By all accounts at this point her preemie son is doing well and making the gains he should in the NICU.  Upon hearing this news I felt a warmth in my soul and confident about a favorable outcome.

When I picked up Lorelei today she was there with her mom picking up her daughter.  She looked as strong as a mommy could in her circumstances.  I reached over and told her that they were in our prayers.  I also conveyed that I had been where she's at and I feel her worry and stress.  I asked her what hospital her son was at and she named the same hospital Trey was born at which means the same NICU.

My blood went cold....

My stomach began to knot when I asked  her if his doctor looked like George Carlin to which she replied yes and told me his name, a name that I literally blocked because when I try to recall it I can only think that he looks like George Carlin and his last name starts with an M.

My eyes misted as she told me how awesome and forthcoming he was and how glad she was that he was their doctor.  All I heard in my head between her words was "HE LIED TO US!!!!!!". 

Of course I would never say anything to her, it would be cruel, but i SO wanted to so that he was kept in check.  My silence crumbled me. 

All this time our daughters were chasing each other around the room giggling, their brothers enduring so much and they didn't know.

I bided my time until after they left then I spoke privately with the daycare guru.  I NEEDED to tell someone although in hind sight maybe I shouldn't have, this boy will be in her daycare soon of us, one of her sweeties.  (I just apologized to her!). She was shocked, not knowing that part of our story. I told her I would not say anything but I wished I could to protect her child.

When my husband got home, I told him and he had some choice  words.  My husband was always the one to explain what the doctors were saying about Trey.  When our son was transferred to the Children's hospital, his interpretation of the exact words we heard, "We have a feeling you weren't told the whole story", was: we were lied to.

Long story short, Trey was born 6 weeks early and was not breathing.  They recessitated him for 90 minutes to get him stable.  All the while my husband was holding wires and tubes during every coding,  a number he swears never to reveal to me. What we did not know that this extreme course of action cause his heart, already frail from CHARGE, too much strain which effected his brain causing brain damage.  He should have died the night he was born but that option was not on the table according to his doctor, the first of many lives.

This is such the glass half full or empty moment: Did the lie lead to the 13 days we were able to spend with him?   Was that time worth the lie and the suffering of all involved, including the hope we felt? 

Most say our son did not suffer, I disagree whole heartedly!!  He was so calm when I was around because he had known me the last 8 1/2 months.  With his Daddy he grabbed on for dear life, knowing him but never experiencing him until that point.  After our visits the nursing staff had to spend time settling him down. He knew we were there and we were stressed and sad about his state.  Yes he was sedated but he could not cry out in pain if he wanted to.  Now that I think on it, despite the fluids pumped into him he always looked slightly blue in color, like he wasn't getting what he needed.  Being that he was the product of the love of my husband and I,  his heart and soul hurt for us.  I think he held on so he could be released in the capable hands of a staff that actually cared.

There again the question haunts me.  Were his days here for us and were they worth his suffering and ours?  I guess that is one question only Trey can answer.

For now, I hope that this doctor that looks like George Carlin is doing a better job with this baby and family than he did mine.  Until then I pray for him and his family.

I ask all who are reading this do as well.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Therapy

So many people have asked why I am not in therapy or a member of a support group.  Their concerns are warranted but don't apply to my grief.  I am honored by their concern but each person's grief belongs to them and it's up to the individual how they deal with it.

In all honesty, my therapy is here, Angel Steps.  I blog honestly and people connect with what I write.  Through my blog I am able to release my inner most musings, no holds barred, and in rough times I have an outlet to express the darkest of feelings and thoughts.  These musings have been published and sought out by book publishers due to their candid content.  I have shunned book publishers because they insist on charging me upfront for the publishing fees.  It makes me only want to publish my writings for free.  I feel more freedom not having the pressure of the book that they want to publish.  If I ever did write a book, ALL proceeds would go to CHARGE and Egleston Children's Hospital.  I have never wanted to publish a book for my own gain.

Through Angel Steps I provide charity and help to those in need in the name of my son.  I am contacted by my friends and family when someone loses their child asking if I could help.  EVERY time I offer my help, but only when the Angel Parent is ready.  I am honored that these loved ones would even consider me to help, it must mean I am making some sort of positive impact.  The CHARGE organization had sought me out on more than one occasion to comfort families impacted by the passing of a CHARGEr and I rush to meet their needs.  Each year I plan a service project for Trey's birthday in his honor.  This makes me the happiest of all.

No offense to those who find solace in support groups, but going to meetings and hearing everyone's stories of loss would only bring me down.  I would much rather go with this format and those effected can chime in when they need to.  If they need to interact with me about my posts, whether to agree or disagree, I am here and I always will be.

My grief is for me.  It is a personal grief that only involves me and my love for Trey.  I feel that this sorrow will teach me lessons in life that I would have never gotten otherwise.

I already have therapy: in the love of my son, family and friends, in Angel Steps, in reaching out to others trying to survive losing their children.  It's a lot of work....but so is therapy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

It may sound crazy but...

I speak to my son almost daily and he answers me.

After losing Trey, I eventually envisioned him holding the hand of a small child.

Every time I do envision him in Heaven he is the same age as he would be on Earth.

I believe when he got to Heaven God told him to take his time and find the soul of his sibling.

I know in my heart that he greets every Angel Child that enters Heaven.

I know that there is a bond between us now that I feel guilty about not having while he was here.

He served his purpose so that I could serve mine for him.

My friends who are Angel Parents have Angel Babies who are best buds with Trey.

Trey's most important purpose is in Heaven.

My son was distant from me during the holidays because other Angel Babies needed him.

He held on until we were able to hear the truth and let him go.

During his life he felt pain, not physically, he watched us suffer over him.

He plays in the trees in our backyard, but sits under the tree my neighbors planted in his honor.

Our dog Finnegan wants to go outside all the time. There, he stares at the trees.

Trey chose us because we wanted a child so badly.

Our son sent extra smiles and love down with his sister.

Lorelei babbles a lot to one corner of her room, seemingly talking to someone.

We were meant to have him and thrive even in his loss.

He is not done with his work here on Earth, but it won't be long.

He is proud of what I am doing in my life to honor him.

I felt my son physically touch me when I have mistaken it for something else.

House guests have heard a giggling child running up and down our hall.

Lorelei knows more about her brother than we realize.

He will come back in our lives where we least expect it.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

I live here...

Like all of us, I did not ask to be here,
I live here.

I didn't choose to transfer here, I was chosen,
I live here.

I didn't move here, I was stationed here,
I live here.

My large house of a life feels like an efficiency,
I live here.

I don't like my residence but I can't leave,
I live here.

Everything on the outside of my abode is gorgeous,
I live here.

I am renovating constantly,
I live here.

The chores never end,
I live here.

When the property value in my home goes down,
I live here.

The decor may change but the ambiance remains the same,
I live here.

Walls are repainted and torn down, the original structure is still there,
I live here.

My home ages with grace and needed repairs,
I live here.

I refurnish and replace the old but the memories linger,
I live here.

I maintain my landscaping while my plants inside fend for themselves,
I live here.

I could choose another address but I cannot give up my home,
I live here.

I constantly cleanse yet nothing is ever clean enough,
I live here.

I give what I have to those in need but I still feel cluttered,
I live here.  

My family lives here with me, minus one,
I live here.

My abode is very lively, we all truly live,
I live here,

The cracks in the foundation show, but sometimes go unnoticed,
I live here.

The mirrors here show more than happy memories and faces,
I live here.

The stains and dents show true life,
I live here.

I pride myself in organizing though I feel in chaos,
I live here.

We save up to improve our home even in hard times,
I live here.

Sometimes we feel weighed down by the upkeep,
I live here.

We still dream about making our house a dream home,
I live here.

There will always be a missing piece, but a piece nonetheless,
I live here.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Ashamed

I pride myself on being happy for those who become pregnant after loss and/or infertility.  I rejoice in the news and await the birth of a healthy thriving baby.

Recently I was conflicted by a different situation.  A friend who was essential to whatever ease I could have in the wake of losing Trey.  I can never fathom the thanks she deserves for her contribution to our tragic situation.  So when she told me she was pregnant, every cell in my body leaped with joy.  I asked her how long she had been trying and she said only a month.  I was relieved that she had not had the problems that we have had getting pregnant.

When the news sunk in so did the jealousy.  I became envious of her good fortune.  I wanted to get pregnant on the first try, in fact I believed I was entitled to it due to losing my first born.

Over the next nine months I complimented her on how she looked and asked her how she was feeling.  I kept careful watch on  FB so I could see pictures of her as her belly grew.  I would find unopened this and that in our home that we wouldn't use and gave it to her.  Above and beyond my team's collaborative gifts I gave her a gift of my own.  I constantly was hoping for health and happiness.

Inside I was dying, from bitterness, guilt, jealousy, envy, regret, worry, and resentment.  I felt like the worst friend EVER!  This sweet friend who had done so much for me was creating a family at a time in her life when she was ready and able to assume the roll as a Mommy.

Such feelings have been wasted in the past on those who get easily pregnant but can't afford or aren't prepared for their unexpected fertility.  I had never felt this way about my friends and family.  I was always jealous of the fertility of others especially after losing Trey.  I wondered why fertility was not given to me, someone who had established a solid life for herself, had a wonderful marriage and was wanting to start a family.  Why did MY child have to die.

This is the black mark of grieving a child.  Most of the negative emotions that come along with such tragedies are warranted and forgiven but I cannot seem to forgive myself for these feelings creeping into such an essential friendship.  There is no excuse for it and cannot escape the shame of my feelings.  First off she is a friend.  Then you add her contributions into the equation.  Cap that off with establishing a solid life of her own.  100% of me should be happy, right???  Had this loss never happened, these feelings would never surface or even be.

I made a conscience effort to curb my unwanted thoughts assuring myself that this was karma for all she had done for me and that EVERYONE deserves such luck in fertility.  I also thought about my life's purpose and became relieved that we did not share the same purpose.  It would kill me if she had to go through what I went through, ANY of it!

The truth is, no one can gauge the emotions or the timing of them when dealing with this kind of loss.  I certainly am a stranger, even after all this time, to the ebb and flow of my grief.  I sometimes find myself sunk deeper due to the very same feelings that got me there in the first place.

I just have to resolve to, in the words of my sweet cousin, beat myself up with a feather instead of a hammer.  Until I tell her and she forgives me, I will remain ashamed.  Not sure if I could EVER tell her, so I guess the shame is what I am facing.