Thursday, October 17, 2013

Just One More

For as long as I can remember I have wanted 3 kids.  When I was little my mom tried to advise me not to because someone would have to sit alone on the roller coaster.  But the number 3 as far as kids goes always stuck with me.

Now that I am 2/3 toward my goal, my husband and I differ in our opinion about having another baby.  My husband is content with our two children, even though one is in Heaven and I am desperate for him to change his mind.  It doesn't help that I don't have a job right now but my dream of having another child to complete my vision of our family still lives.  Considering it takes two too make a baby, it seems to be out of my hands.

My need for another baby, just that, a need.  I feel it in EVERY cell of my being but I don't think he understands that maternal side of things which is understandable.  In his paternal aspect, there is a lot of fear.  Losing a child drives that fear but he also is afraid of the month of colic we experienced with our daughter in her first month of life and a nerve racking.  These are reasonable fears and I am right there with him in these fears.  In the same note, I went through both the physical, emotional, and mental aspects of both pregnancies and true, he was right there with me, but most women I know will testify that they she would do it all over again just to have the family she always desired.

It's heartbreaking to consider the possibility of not having another child when I have already lost one.  I would hate to think of the hole in my heart that my son Trey lives in heart would be joined by another, the one I didn't have.  It's like losing Trey all over again and makes his death that much more tragic but this time I would be mourning 2 children.

I believe wholly that my daughter would make an EXCELLENT big sister and I would hate for her to grow up an only living child.  I look at her growth and milestones and it saddens me that this might be my only chance to watch a child of mine grow up.  I also I know in my heart and soul that another child will be born healthy and happy if given a chance to live.  I also know that if he gives it a chance, he won't regret it

I understand and sympathize with my husband's fear, but to quote my favorite movie Steel Magnolias, "No one got anywhere by being scared all the time".  He says he done having children when he turns 40 in February, 4 months away so my fears about not having a child grow a little every day.  I'll admit that I push him by saying, :when we have another child" and protesting his decision, but that is how desperate I feel.  It seems her is settled with his decision, and I say "his" because it's not my decision even though it should be OUR decision.  I can't make him have another child but I am afraid that I will resent him for not giving this idea a chance.  I will forever regret not having another child if his decision is the end all be all.

I only pray that there is peace in whatever is to come.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Wear and Share

I have always maintained that every parent should get to talk about their children, whether they are with them or in Heaven.  Earthly parents talk about their kids ALL of the time: the sports, the accomplishments, the milestones, the challenges, the annoyances, etc.

Most Angel Parents would hear the comments of these parents about how hard raising a child can be and want to scream AT LEAST YOU HAVE A LIVING KID!!!

My response has changed since good friends of mine have experienced the loss of their son.  I asked the Daddy, "How do you do it everyday?" (his son was 15 months old battling a heart condition and spent most of his life in the hospital).  He said simply, "You wake up everyday and do everything you can for your children."  I will NEVER forget that!  For the first time in 4 years, it shadowed the guilt I felt for feeling helpless during the 13 days of my son's life.  They had to calm him every time we left, they assured us it was "eustress", knowing that we were there.

It was the only way he could communicate with us and we were scared that his fragile health state was being jeopardized by our visits.  Then again, we were also under the ruse that he was stable and would be eligible for further treatment.  One can only imagine the guilt of parents who tried to help their kid stable for further treatment they were assured was going to happen only to find out he was dying all along.

The point of that tangent was to say that we DO what we have to do everyday for our kids, in whatever form that might take.  At the time, we did what we thought was right for him and we wear it EVERY DAY!!

Back to my original point, those 13 days are all we have of him in this life and I would not trade them for the world.  Most parents get to talk about their kids until they pass on, but Angel Parents don't.  Lots of people shy away from any conversation regarding a child we have lost but I want to scream from the mountain tops "MY CHILD DI EXIST!!"  He's just like everyone else's kid; he lived, albeit for a short time, but from the moment he was conceived he lived!

So I am adopting a new routine.  When someone tells me about losing their child, I will smile and ask them to tell me about their Angel Baby.  I can go on and on about my son and what a wonderful force he is in our lives and even as I think on it now there is a smile on my face.  Isn't that what every Angel Parent deserves?  We hurt so much over the loss of our babies.  Don't we, like every parent, deserve the chance to brag and smile?

I wear my roll as an Angel Mommy proudly and I will share Trey's life even more proudly.  Why shouldn't I?

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

More Than Words

I have often been one who resents the words of others that try to comfort those who have lost children.  But lately I have been thinking, maybe they say the things that they do is because they don't know our loss.  They know loss on different levels, if at all.  Their aim is mostly to comfort even though they have no idea what to say, maybe because they cannot imagine such a loss.  As with most everything, humans draw from experience, or lack there of, when face with situations that they are unfamiliar with.

I had a chance to encounter this idea, then I stole time away from my resentment of these comments to truly ponder their origins.  Angel Parents are so justified in their grief that they find fault in the sentiments of the very people who are trying to comfort. I decided to decode the common condolences that set us off.

I am so sorry.  This is a common one as no one expects to hear that someone has lost their child.  The truth is, NO parent should have to outlive their child.  When someone asks me how many kids I have I always include Trey and the response is always the same, "Oh, I am so sorry.".  The grieving Mommy in me is NOT sorry.  I don't regret a second of his existence.  This phrase is the first sign that the person has no idea what I have been through, therefore does not know how to react.  Who could blame them?  Isn't it a good thin that they have never experienced the loss of a child?  No one expects to hear that someone's child has died.  We always celebrate births and birthdays, yet Angel Parents only have the short lives of their children to celebrate and remember.  People are "sorry" because they can't imagine the same scenario for their own children or grandchildren or they can't imagine their own children going through losing their offspring.  If they don't have children, it is assured that they envision our reality as their future.  Or maybe, it's just the only thing they know to say.

I remember when __________ died.  Often times, people draw on past experience to help those who grieve.  Once again, this is something humans frequently say to anyone who is grieving and it is their go-to response for those who are grieving their child.  Many of them have never lost a child so they draw on their experience with grief to try to console.  Who can blame them?  I know that no death is the same, be it your Grandmother, dog, sibling, parent, mentor, or friend.  What if the people who offer this sentiment truly mean to try to form a connection with a grieving parent in order to show empathy?  The worst of this comment I have received is, "I remember when my dog died,".  Her dog dying was grief, not the same kind of grief, but grief just the same.  Even with trying to help other grieving parents, I am often at a loss for words.  I don't know their journey.  I don't know where their hearts and minds are/were.  All I know is the same grief, I just try to listen to their story so that I can fully comprehend what support I can offer them.  Trey was the FIRST death I experienced close to me.  I always expected it to be my grandparents or my parents.  My first death experience was a doozy so I can't pretend to know anyone else's.  Those who have never lost a child can't either.

It was God's plan.  This sentiment comes from those who find solace in their faith, or, once again, are trying to find something comforting to say.  Those who come from true religious faith truly believe their message but it doesn't mean they like it.  Our minister said that it was ok that we were mad a God, He was heart broken that He had to take a child to an eternal pain-free life in Heaven.  It took me TWO years to say God did not take my baby.  I believe nature made my baby the way he was and God saved him from a life of sickness.  As an Angel Parent, I HATE God's plan, but I know that anyone who says this believes in a purpose.  They don't like it but they have faith in the better things to come out of such a tragedy.  This is the worst sentiment to me, yet I am grateful to those with religious faith because they have prayed for me despite the fact that I have shown hatred towards God and His plan.

You'll have more children.  My first response is I WANTED THE CHILD I HAD!!!!!!  Those who say this, I believe, only want to give us hope for the future.  It is a hard pill to swallow when the future you imagine for your child and your family comes to a halt.  We have to honestly ponder if they have ever lived with the void of a child they never got to enjoy experiencing every milestone life has to offer.  I have parents who have reached out to me saying that they are more patient, understanding, and loving to their kids because they are afraid of losing them as I have lost my son.  Those who have not mourn their child(ren) only know the lives of their offspring.  They don't understand that having more children does not replace the one that was lost and thank goodness they don't.

Your child is in a better place.  That may be true, but most Angel Parents might have their own interpretations of "a better place".  These Angel Children are wanted and loved.  I know I can't imagine life without our daughter and I worry about losing her daily. Children should be valued in this way, they are our progeny, our legacy, our family, our hopes, our dreams, and the very part of our being.  There are times with every parent that they wished to have a moment's peace without their children, but the never imagine it in this way.  Angel Parents have to live a lifetime before they see the children they have lost.  Yet, aren't our children in a better place?  Free from harm, the signs of the times, or the sickness that they have experienced. Angel Parents will protest to this saying we will always want them to be with us and we wish that what happened to them was non-existent.  In our souls we believe this should not have happened to this gift of life we were given

Time heals all wounds.  Sometimes it does, but when you're an Angel Parent, you can't put a Band-Aid on a crater.  I have heard, and shared, that losing a loved one that is not a child is grief of the past, but losing a child is grief of the future.  When a loved one, who is not a child, passes away, we have so many memories of them that we can carry with us always.  Often, the grief of this kind of loss stems from missing happier times and the very traits that made us love them.  When a child dies, the number of memories to be missed and personality traits to grow to love are SEVERELY diminished.  The lack of memories is replaced by milestones and events that never got to happen for our children.  We see kids of all ages and lament that our child never got to experience those stages of life.  We as parents never got to experience those times either, even the more challenging times of a child's life.  We would trade ANYTHING to experience a tantrum, let alone watch our Angel Babies attend their first day of school, teach them how to drive, take pictures of them before prom, move them up to college, plan their wedding, and hold their children.

While it is true for most that as the years pass the daily pain lessens, when the breakdowns come, it's like we lost our child all over again.  Breakdowns can be triggered by our small list of memories including, but not limited to, pregnancy, the empty nursery, or items given to our child.  The biggest trigger for me is seeing other children Trey's age and regretting not having that time with him.  Those who have never lost a child don't the loss that Angel Parents carry with them for the rest of their lives and they can't begin to fathom it thank goodness.

Everything happens for a reason.  While this is true, it does less than comfort anyone at any time of distress.  There is NEVER a good reason for parents not to be able to raise their children and watch them live a long productive life. The truth is, reasoning has no place in grieving a child, the loss itself to us is much bigger than reason.   People often use this go-to phrase to try to give others in peril hope for the future.  Angel Parents put every hope and faith they have into the very idea of the children they want before they are even conceived.  When that hope and faith is ripped from them it is no longer in site and far from their hearts.  There is no happy ending to feel hopeful for when your child passes away.  I believe that others have perfectly good intentions when using this sentiment because they want SO much for there to be a happy ending or at least something positive to come out of such a tragedy.  Don't we all?

Through and through, those who know of our loss are sad with us and struggle to find ways to make us feel better, especially if they have never lost their child.  I have to give it to them though, at least they try to say SOMETHING!  Sometimes we would rather them say nothing if all that they could come up with are the examples above.  

Thank goodness they don't know the perfect words to say.  That means they have not experienced a loss so great.  Recently friends of mine lost their son and even after 4 years since our loss and my advocacy for Angel Parents, I was rendered speechless, afraid of saying something that triggered negative feelings and emotions.

The truth is, this is an incredibly personal loss and there are so many things that will set us off.  It is essential that we beat them, and ourselves, up with a feather not a hammer.

I may not like what they say but I appreciate where it is coming from.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Wet Grass

Whenever I am "in it" I always love sitting in the grass, it may be a southern pleasure for some but it's a rejuvenation to me.  Feeling that natural life under my body grounds me.

Which brings me to today.  I went to the funeral of a 14 month old, the son of my friends, and all I want to do is sit out in the grass.  The only problem is that it has been the rainiest Summer EVER!!  The grass is wet, not by the morning dew but by the rains that provide for the very life we live.

Yesterday, my husband ran the Peachtree Road Race and it was quite rainy.  Lorelei, my friend and I had to trek through a park of mud to get to a spot where we could watch him and one of my best friend run in the annual 10k.  The rain felt like a blessing to me, I didn't mind the mud I walked through, I didn't avoid the puddles.  I wanted to walk through the physical mud because it can wash away.  The mud of life, the sticky stained mud takes a while to wash off will forever nourish the skin of our souls.

So this is what I am saying to myself now, why am I not in the wet grass? Wet clothes can dry and so can hearts, those are soaked with the trials of life.  If anything, basking in the evidence of rain cleansing the sorrow you are trying to avoid.

It rains now and, don't mind if I do, but I will let the rain fall on me as I sit in the cleansing rain that has already fallen.

Friday, June 28, 2013

A Song In The Works (new lyric)

I've always wanted to write a song dedicated to my boy but also my journey.  The idea started when I met Kandi Burruss from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, my favorite housewife.  I dreamed of having her co-write my song and produce it with me.  I have encountered so many musicians since then and have wanted to make my vision of a song come to fruition.

I would like to chronicle the making of this song as I have just recently secured a solid lyric.  Still don't know what I am doing.  After losing Trey I suddenly gained a writing ability some have said but lyrics are new to me.

So here is what I have to start with:

"When you came into my life I carried you like I knew you, not enough to lose you."

Then there has to be something about his eyes.

Your eyes held the world, your soul holds my heart

We don't mourn the ones we have lost, we mourn the ones we love.

None of us have a parking pass in this life so we have to keep moving.

Your heart is where I go when I need strength.

Our time together was short but it will live with me forever.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A Song In the Works

I've always wanted to write a song dedicated to my boy but also my journey.  The idea started when I met Kandi Burruss from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, my favorite housewife.  I dreamed of having her co-write my song and produce it with me.  I have encountered so many musicians since then and have wanted to make my vision of a song come to fruition.

I would like to chronicle the making of this song as I have just recently secured a solid lyric.  Still don't know what I am doing.  After losing Trey I suddenly gained a writing ability some have said but lyrics are new to me.

So here is what I have to start with:

"When you came into my life I carried you like I knew you, not enough to lose you."

Then there has to be something about his eyes.

The heart does not need a beat to love.

We don't mourn the ones we have lost, we mourn the ones we love.

None of us have a parking pass in this life so we have to keep moving.

A Song In the Works

I've always wanted to write a song dedicated to my boy but also my journey.  The idea started when I met Kandi Burruss from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, my favorite housewife.  I dreamed of having her co-write my song and produce it with me.  I have encountered so many musicians since then and have wanted to make my vision of a song come to fruition.

I would like to chronicle the making of this song as I have just recently secured a solid lyric.  Still don't know what I am doing.  After losing Trey I suddenly gained a writing ability some have said but lyrics are new to me.

So here is what I have to start with:

"When you came into my life I carried you like I knew you, not enough to lose you."

Then there has to be something about his eyes.

The heart does not need a beat to love.

We don't mourn the ones we have lost, we mourn the ones we love.

None of us have a parking pass in this life so we have to keep moving.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Peek Inside

I am in a dark place.
I look to escape,
But unseen walls contain me.

I hear a little boy crying,
But I cannot find him,
I cannot help him.

I start running,
Trying to get closer,
Trying to get away,
I am going nowhere.

I can sense his presence,
Reaching out to touch him,
Trying to feel him,
Straining to caress him,
I long to hold him.

I cry out for help,
But no one can hear me,
No one can help me,
I feel so alone here.

I have somehow failed him,
In some mysterious way,
I should not be here.

I must continue searching,
Whatever it takes.
I am in a dark place.

In memory of Timmy.


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Sunday, June 9, 2013

Guest Poet ~Sara~

I found this brilliant piece on  It is a perfect reflection of how time moves on but the loss stays with us.

I lost my Babie's....Today.

... I lost my Babie's today. People came to weep and cry, As I just sat and stared, dry eyed. They struggled to find words to say, To try and make the pain go away, I walked the floor in disbelief, I lost my babies's today.

I lost my Babie's last month. Most of the people went away, Some still call and some still stay. I wait to wake up from this dream. This can't be real. I want to scream. Yet everything is locked inside, God, help me, I want to die. I lost my Babie's last month.

I lost my Babie's last year. Now people who had come, have gone. I sit and struggle all day long. To bear the pain so deep inside. And now my friends just question, Why? Why does this mother not move on? Just sits and sings the same old song. Good heavens, it has been so long. I lost my Babie's last year.

Time has not moved on for me. The numbness it has disappeared. My eyes have now cried many tears. I see the look upon your face, "She must move on and leave this place." Yet I am trapped right here in time, The songs the same, as is the rhyme, I lost my Babie's......Today.

i will always love my Babie's Chloe,Nevaeh & Naomi you will always live on in my heart


Friday, June 7, 2013

Heart to Heart

Today I paid a visit to my high school friends who have a 14 month old at the very hospital that Trey earned his wings.  I had hoped to never be there again yet my husband I went there briefly to deliver the toiletries that we collected for the families who stay there with the kids.  It was so hard back in April when we were there even to be in the waiting room but my calling was greater today.

My friends has a son in April of 2012 who was born with a heart problem.  Most recently, they have been with him at the children's hospital for the better part of over half the year before he was flown to California to receive treatment and hopefully a liver surgery which was necessary for a heart surgery that would improve his quality of life.  Due to further complications they had to return to the local children's hospital and remain in limbo as to what will happen short and long term.

I have been very hesitant about visiting them due to my experience and memories with Trey at that hospital.  The staff there was more upfront about Trey's condition than the hospital he was born in and they treated all three of us with dignity and respect in our time of need.  Hospitals always fill me with great anxiety but this particular hospital erupts the ultimate fear of reliving such a hard time. But when they returned from California the need to be with them and their son over took my anxiety and fear.

I was completely confident upon my departure to the hospital.  It was not until approaching the hospital did the butterflies begin to flutter.  As a descended down into the depths of the parking garage searching for a parking space my mood was descending as well.  I was nearly at the bottom of the parking garage and the fact that so many loved ones were there to be with the children there weighed me down.  It should not be this way.

I exited the elevator without trepidation into the very waiting room I dreaded and promptly got a water.  I texted my friends that I was there and took a restroom break while waiting for them to come down to meet me.  The steryl smell of the restroom caught my breath and took me aback.  There was a voice in my head that is normally my husband saying "Be strong for me" but it wasn't his, I feel in my very soul it was Trey.  I composed myself before meeting my friend in the lobby and hugged her the way I have wanted to for months.

Entering the very elevators that I traveled before did not daunt me but arriving at the floor we spent so much time in was testing.  As we walked down to the family waiting room my friend asked me if I was ok and I told her I had to be.  We visited briefly joking around and relaying our experiences.  I observed their strength and humor with the situation.

We headed up to the PICU (Pediatric ICU) and the familiarity of the environment resonated as we checked in at the desk and were allowed access.  I knew the drill of washing my hands before heading to visit their son.  Entering his room, I wanted more than anything than to lay my eyes upon him and touch him.  He was kept comfortable due the machines that had stabilized him after his cross country journey.  I found myself remembering how Trey was kept comfortable in his fragile state and recalling how Trey reacted to our visits, calm with me, excited with his Daddy.

I inquired about the plan for him and it seemed that the focus was mainly on the short term, there was little information on the short term.  They left to meet with doctors and I stayed with the Little Bubba.  I talked with him about Trey and how I asked him to stay by his side through everything (ever since I asked I have not felt Trey near, what a good boy!!).  While were they were in their meeting the time came that I needed to leave to pick up our daughter.

I felt extremely proud of myself for braving my fears to be there for my friends.  Their strength is inspiring even though I know they have their hard times.  I plan to make more visits now that my initial visit proved beneficial all around.

There have been people, initially my daddy, who have said that I am in the ideal person to be of help to them.  It is not clear what the future brings for the Little Bubba but I am proud that I can be there for my friends and him even though I hate that there is a reason I have to be.  I am blessed with a son who inspires e and a daughter who is healthy.  I feel like I am getting my graduate degree in parenthood although I thought with our daughter was what I was learning for.

There are so many parents struggling in the name of a child who is fighting conditions that a child should never know.  Many have told me that they are more patient with their children because of what happened to Trey.  My love burns brighter for both of my children because of my friends and the strength they exude for the love of both of their children but more for the strength of their son, the same strength that Trey showed but for a longer duration.

Trey fought a valiant fight with his heart issues and Little Bubba continues his fight.  Their hearts are connected because of their strength despite physical strife and the love that shines through them.

Bear For an Angel Guest Poets

I came across this Twitter account and loved to poems that were published via their Facebook page.  Gotta love technology!  Here are a few examples but you can see more at and

Too Soon - Mary Yarnall
This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the Sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime
No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
No time to sing the songs of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime
Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love - Only love - In your lifetime.

By Sara
I looked toward the clouds today
and for a moment saw your face
And wondered just where you have gone
with the hope it's a peaceful place

Did you show yourself to me today
to tell me you're all right?
Or was it just a daydream
playing tricks upon my sight

Then I thought of when you left
still too young to say a word
Yet the look you gave us said it all
in our hearts, your good-bye was heard

You have changed our lives forever
your short time here not in vain
and hope you know we tried it all
to keep you safe from pain

We will always feel the void inside
because you are not here
But each new thought you send our way
let's us know you're always near

So until our journey nears it's end
and we hear the Angels sing
We'll face each new day as it comes
and live off the Love you bring.

My Little Angel
Sometimes angels aren't covered in light
Sometimes angels aren't always right
Sometimes angels don't have wings
But nothing compares with the love that they bring.

My little angel isn't very tall
My little angel hasn't said a word at all
But there's nothing like the sound that I hear
When my little angel is drawing near.

When my little angel comes around
I feel I can fly, and I'm leaving the ground
All I hear are the beating wings
Baby's cries, but no other thing

My little angel sleeps all day
But when he's in my arms, there's nothing to say
His halo is a cow-lick of soft, golden hair
He can't work miracles but I don't care

My little angel can't walk or talk
But time flies fast, and you race the clock
My little angel won't be little for long
But my angel will never be gone. ron

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Whittling and Fiddling

I never really learned the proper way to twiddle my thumbs.  I can turn my thumbs the same way but trying to turn one clockwise while turning the other counter clockwise.  But who cares?  Why spend your life on meaningless tasks?

Speaking of meaningless tasks, when I was in Girl Scouts and went to camp, they taught us how to whittle sticks.  It is an interesting craft and I found myself enthralled in the OCB of it all.  I wanted to break down the wood and reach the life but that too fell by the wayside after awhile, after all who wants to spend their lives breaking life down.

Too often we spend our time twiddling our life away, wasting needless time on things that don't matter.  Similarly we often whittle life away and as humans it seems either we enjoy it or we do it on purpose.

It is not until we have truly experienced life, or the loss thereof, that these things fall on the wayside.  I am not saying we all waste our life on these practices literally but I think of the ways that I still twiddle and whittle my life away.  Personally I spend way too much time worrying (whittling) and playing internet games (twiddling) that I often tune out what is really important.

Now I am not saying that these things do not bring us solace in ways that allow us to defuse our stressful lives.  Angel Steps was created by my time on the internet and sustained by social media.  But I have to analyze how often I opt to spend time on the internet or watching my stories rather than taking in nature, whether it be taking a walk or tending a garden.  Both of these activities counteract the whittling and twiddling of life.  What is life if we don't soak it in?

I have spent this entire school year stressing and focusing on doing what my boss wanted me to do which steals away from who I truly am, from living as me.  My husband has shooed my daughter away while I worked endlessly to perfect my lesson plans in the eyes of someone who expected me to read her mind.  My husband would call this "letting someone live in your brain rent free".

Don't get me wrong, we all do what we have to so that we can succeed in life but the fabric of life is not success it is truly living.

Thus far the lessons in my life have taught me not to waste time on the things that don's fulfill me in some way.  I relax just like the normal thing but I cannot sink myself in the vices of life that sink so many into oblivion. These distractions weigh us down making us whittle and twiddle life away and before we know it we are old and still bitter with the hand life has dealt us even though we are the masters of our own destiny.  Even I am human and always learning.  I often turn to my vices when life gets too much and I want to numb my stress.  It never works, it's only a band-aid.

The truth of life is if you truly value life, you are truly living!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Life Long Learner

Somehow I knew that this school year was going to be a doozy and up until now, I did not realize what an understatement that was. 

Long story short our principal is in her second year at our school but this is her first principalship of her career.  Needless to say she is trying to prove herself to her superior therefore asserting her dominance by micromanaging.  She also wants to pull her own people in that will make her look good as a leader.  Her ultimate goal, I am told is to be on the school board.  A part of bringing her own people in as teachers is getting rid of the teachers she considers undesirable, in my case, unconventional, a notion I did not consider until I remembered one of my colleagues get let go last year.

She kept me under her thumb all school year, always telling me what I wasn't doing right and letting me fail by not giving me feedback on my plans.  She had an answer to every disagreement I had with her critique even more when I caught her on the first answer.  No matter what I did to please her and do things her way, it was not enough, I should have done everything her way from the start.  Given so little feedback I was expected to resort to my lack of mind reading skills.  My evaluation was not good and my contract was not renewed,  forcing me to resign for personal reasons in lieu of fighting the dismissal and having a nonrenewable contract on my file, which is the kiss of death for teachers looking for work.

So here I sit blogging on my last day of post planning as all of my work is done.  It's amazing how much work you can get done when you're angry.  While I am hoping that my boss let's me go since my work is done, highly unlikely,  so my torture here will be done and I can move on to the next chapter in my life which is bound to be better for me.  I am trying to keep a positive outlook and know that now is the time that life is directing a change whether I like it or not and it will be for the better.  After all, didn't losing Trey lead to Lorelei, my revised outlook on the preciousness of life, and my outreach through Angel Steps?

I was often reminded during this school year about my journey after losing Trey: the sleepless nights,  being physically ill, crying constantly,  lack of appetite  imbibing,  not wanting to be alone, begging my husband to come home from work,  roller coaster of grief emotions, desperation to wake up from the nightmare,  and utter hopelessness for the futures.  I don't have a job much like I didn't have a living child back then.  For a period of time this year I thought things were looking up just like I had hope that moving Trey to the children's hospital would be the positive turning point, instead,  in both scenarios, it all came crumbling down.  I never thought I would get remotely close to that type of grief again and it is mourning for me.  I am losing my school family, the school home I have had for my entire 13 years of teaching, my job, my pride and my faith in the goodness of people I thought were friends.

I always pride myself on being a life long learner and I am searching for the lesson in my life now.  With Trey I learned no matter how angry and bitter you are with someone wishing them equal harm does not fix the situation or help you grow.  Instead, it brings you down to their level.  Regret however, will come on it's own and I don't have to be responsible for that.  I guess now is the time for me to get my graduate degree in that lesson.  Here's hoping for straight A's!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

4 Years in Heaven on 4/4/1+3

So the number 4 creeps into my life once again with it's tail between it's legs.  During the time of Trey's short life, the number 4 resonated, from his time of birth to his time of passing.  Everything was connected to the number 4.  My lucky number has always been 5 but 4 trumped it in the depths of our grief. 

This year, Trey would have been 4 and this year he had hi 4th Angelversary.  At this point we are a family of 4, John and I and our 2 children.  Months ago I decided that I wanted to try for another baby, no doubt to get back to my lucky number 5, after Trey's 4th Birthday.  I could have started earlier but I had a strong feeling about Trey being 4 and waiting until after that birthday.  I want so badly to turn our Earthly family into a family of 4 so I can reclaim the number 5 adding Trey.

But that 4 is a sly one.  My husband has gone back and forth about having another child.  Is 4 waiting in the shadows to plague our lives forever?

It is in my soul and every cell of my body to have 3 children, I have dreamt about it my whole life.  I still feel that a 3rd child is in my future, I see him/her (but mainly him) standing with Trey waiting for the right time.  This same decisiveness plagued my hopes and my husband's heart after we lost Trey.  He was shell shocked by the loss of his first born, his son, and by the birth of our daughter spent the first few months rocking our eardrums.

I always say to him my favorite line from the movie Steal Magnolias, "No one got anywhere by being scarred all the time." 

I feel like having another child is not only a service to our daughter, who would be an AWESOME big sister, but also a completion to our family.  It seems, selfishly, that things would come for circle for me with one more child.  Of course, as with Lorelei, I was not trying to replace Trey, just giving hope to life and the family we always wanted.  I can't give up on that.  When I see babies I yearn for another one of my own, despite the challenges.  I don't want us to be a family of 4, 4 has already intruded enough.

So listen up 4, I won't go down easily!  You've had the upper hand before but your days are numbered!