Saturday, December 29, 2012

"Mommy"

I watch a young woman in the blooming and I am amazed, nope that word doesn't even encapsulate it, I am truly in wonder.

I always beat myself up for not knowing how to conquer all of the battles of motherhood, after all this IS my second time around.  I always thought I would not make a good mother, my patience has not always held the best reputation.  I often thought that I would be too consumed in my grief over Trey that I could not give her all she deserves.

The truth is, with her my patience is pure, I am not the disciplinarian I thought I would be, I am the consoler, time-outs equal me walking away from a tantrum yet giving sweet cuddles when she calms down.  This child WANTS to spend time with me, WANTS to be held by me, WANTS to be silly with me, WANTS me to be her Mommy and I am ever present with her in every moment she is with me.  She listens to me, wants me to teach her, plays with me, finds comfort in me, she even pats on my shoulder when I should be patting on hers for soothing.

She calls me "Mommy" and it's...well...it's life changing.

As she grows and learns I realize that I had a part in that although I think she is pretty perceptive on her own and her Daddy possesses most of the intelligence.  She has a kind heart, the kind of heart we all want to have.  Even at her worst, she is my inspiration.

I feel, as always, that Trey sent her to us knowing all that she could and will be and that it would fill our shattered hearts, he was right, he was spot on.

Only when I am alone with my thoughts does my regret and wanton nature creeps in.  I've always wanted all of these wonders with my first, it was never meant to be.  If anything, his precious life prepped me as a parent, however bittersweet that sounds, I experience it daily.

Regardless, Trey has left her in our charge, CHARGE...seems ironic but kismet as well.  I find joy and fulfillment in that responsibility, not because he expects it, but because I love my children.  Yes, I did not get the chance to watch Trey live as Lorelei does, I never would have anyway, I didn't want him to live that way.  Trey taught me that there is always love in the greatest of tragedies, love is ALWAYS the potential from pain.

So I watch my daughter thrive, learn, grow, become.  I revel in it not because of Trey, I would have done the same for him if given the chance.  I am simply humbled to experience the miracle that is the lives of my children, not matter the duration.

My mom always said I would make a good mother, I never believed her.  She was right, I gave my son freedom and I give my daughter all that a mother should give.  I can only give so much to Trey, but he has given me so much more than I can repay, so I focus on giving Lorelei the same life, love, nurturing and care that I give him.

And she still calls me Mommy... <3


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