Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Is it Jealousy?

Is it jealousy that leads my stomach to turn every time I hear someone I know has become pregnant on their very first try?

Is it envy that leads my eyes to stare at children who are the age he would've been his age and wish I were the parents?

Is it conniving to watch other parents yell at their kids or mistreat them and wish I could take them home to be my own?

Is it bitter to feel disdain towards those who are so fertile that they keep having children even though they cannot provide for the ones they already have?

Is it acidic to wish it were me who was pregnant instead of another woman I know?

Is it wanton that when babies are born I wish they were mine?

Is it begrudging to want the fertility of others?

Is it resentful to wish it was not MY son that dies?

Is it grasping to wish other's fertility and healthy pregnancy on myself when they are done having children?

Is it dissatisfaction that drives these feelings of which I have no desire to feel?

Is it annoyance to watch the parents of the children I teach not take an interest in their children's health, education or overall wellbeing?

Is it malcontent that leads me to be this doubtful, faithless person in the wake of my loss?

Is it sullen to wallow in these feelings

Or is it the remnants of heartache of my ordeal, my infertility, losing my first born, living to tolerate but my heart still feels the pain.  

I would rather feel gratified, satisfied, appreciative, contented, and confident.

I don't suffer from grief, I live a lifetime with it.

I have but one heart, a heart learning to love, trust, and live again.

I am learning the difference between what I deserve and what my live purpose will be.

I am learning about my life's time line I have nothing to do with planning.

I am learning to live in the moment and appreciate what I have which often takes some time to learn.

I am thankful for this learning experience, tolerant with my learning process, and inspired to learn further and live better.

Until then you will have to forgive the learning gap between my brain and my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Hello,
    I too am a mommy to a Little Angel watching over me and my Husband. I know the pain, anger, & insecurity that comes to being a parent to an Angel. I has not been easy and don't think it ever will. What I do know is that my Angel was inteded for greater things as your is as well. Spreading the word and awareness to infant loss is not an easy thing to do especially when it is your own story you are telling. Do know that there are people out there that do find confort in reading blog like yours that let them know they are Not alone!
    Sorry for the novel but I am glad you are speaking out about it.

    -Xochitl S