Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Hail to the Full Moon

Hail to the full moon
As it shines brightness on our deepest dark
On our obstacles is casts shadows
Freeing us from bondage
It reveals planets
When we feel so small
It gives us hope
That we too can become whole
Seeing its fruition
We have evidence
That everything comes full circle
We gaze at the moon
Knowing we too
Will be renewed again
The sun rays it reflects
Will be brought to us
With the dawn of a new day
We are transfixed by the light
When our very world
Is so dark
Its light fills a void
When sorrow is the dark
Even when we reach for the light
We only see it in the moon
When our skies are dark
And the stars are
Our only companions
It is a reminder
That the brightness
Of happiness is possible
Even the bravest of us
Can attest of wanting light
In the permanence of shadows
That cloud our lives
Our judgement
Our thinking
Our hearts
In the midst of all of the this
We can rely
On the full moon
To a beacon of peace
A reliant companion
A promise
In the cycle of life

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Is it Jealousy?

Is it jealousy that leads my stomach to turn every time I hear someone I know has become pregnant on their very first try?

Is it envy that leads my eyes to stare at children who are the age he would've been his age and wish I were the parents?

Is it conniving to watch other parents yell at their kids or mistreat them and wish I could take them home to be my own?

Is it bitter to feel disdain towards those who are so fertile that they keep having children even though they cannot provide for the ones they already have?

Is it acidic to wish it were me who was pregnant instead of another woman I know?

Is it wanton that when babies are born I wish they were mine?

Is it begrudging to want the fertility of others?

Is it resentful to wish it was not MY son that dies?

Is it grasping to wish other's fertility and healthy pregnancy on myself when they are done having children?

Is it dissatisfaction that drives these feelings of which I have no desire to feel?

Is it annoyance to watch the parents of the children I teach not take an interest in their children's health, education or overall wellbeing?

Is it malcontent that leads me to be this doubtful, faithless person in the wake of my loss?

Is it sullen to wallow in these feelings

Or is it the remnants of heartache of my ordeal, my infertility, losing my first born, living to tolerate but my heart still feels the pain.  

I would rather feel gratified, satisfied, appreciative, contented, and confident.

I don't suffer from grief, I live a lifetime with it.

I have but one heart, a heart learning to love, trust, and live again.

I am learning the difference between what I deserve and what my live purpose will be.

I am learning about my life's time line I have nothing to do with planning.

I am learning to live in the moment and appreciate what I have which often takes some time to learn.

I am thankful for this learning experience, tolerant with my learning process, and inspired to learn further and live better.

Until then you will have to forgive the learning gap between my brain and my heart.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

So This Is Christmas...continued

As Lorelei experiences her second holiday season, I can't wait to see what she makes of the tradition of Christmas Eve present opening (pjs for all of us), the whole opening presents thing, and the songs that come along way to early in the season.  I am excited for her to experience the joy and wonder of Christmas.  She will no doubt be much more interested in the wrapping paper then later with her gifts but she already loves our family tree, her tree, and her brother's tree.  I ultimately hope this year she has such a great experience that next year she will understand the concept more.  She is not ready for "Elf on the Shelf" but I FULLY intend on starting the tradition of reading "The Night Before Christmas" on Christmas Eve.  This is the time that the wonder is so new, I am soaking it in.

And then there is the coal in the stocking, wondering what life would be like with her big brother helping her open presents and insisting on helping Daddy detach her presents from their casings.  Maybe Lorelei would want to play with Trey's toys and he would argue with her and say that those toys are "his".  I would much rather have this bickering than the emptiness I feel every holiday season.

I am ever present with my daughter, but when I am closing down the house before bed, the last thing I see before I go upstairs to bed are the Christmas trees of our family and our children.  It's ever so easy to present for her, but as she sleeps peacefully, my heart and mind have time to process the day and wonder in the lad of what ifs or if only.  What if he would have lived?  Would be be a vegetable?  What if he was not sick?  If only he wasn't sick.  He would've been an AWESOME big brother as LL will be an awesome big brother.

So I guess, even though we have all fake trees this year, missing Trey will be the equivalent to the pines needles from a real tree after the season is over, they constantly remind you of the joy, but they can be so draining.  My reality this holiday season is a real tree, I can't fake this but I can sure enjoy Lorelei's joy and that I will!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I Mention Him

Not to make you uncomfortable,
He's my son, I should be able to talk about him.

Not to dwell,
He will forever be my son, part of my life, my heart.

Not to make you feel guilty,
He is a child just like your own, but he's in Heaven.

Not to bring you down,
It brings me joy to speak of him fondly.

Not to get attention,
He exists in my life just as your topics of conversation exists in yours.

Not to gain sympathy,
Believe you me, I wish I did not have to speak on him the past tense.

Not to bring you down,
My grief is lifelong, my healing is in the only life he has now, his mommy.

Not to rub it in your face,
I would never wish this on ANYONE!

Not to make it about me,
I am just another parent trying to speak of my kids the way you do yours.

Not to suck you into my world,
Your world is just as important to me.

Not to distract you,
I want to hear how your life is going, your happiness is relevant.

Not to take away from the conversation,
Yet life as well as death is a part of common conversation.

Not to make my life seem more important than yours,
I am my own person in my own journey and I share what is in my heart just as you do.

Not to remind you of your own grief,
We all walk our own paths and stumble as all humans do, we should pick each other up.

Not to garner your support,
Everyone gives whatever they can to enrich the lives of the ones they care for.

Not to remind you,
No one needs to be reminded of the loss of a child.

Not to haunt you,
It sucks, it truly does but not speaking of him haunts those who love him.

He is my son, I mention him, his life, his passing, and the times since then because I live every one of those moments in real time everyday.  He is a part of my being.  He is a part of my soul.  He has a place in my heart.  I carried him in my womb.  I watched him struggle.  I made the hardest decision a parent will EVER have to make...I let him go.  But understand, though I let him go physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, he will ALWAYS be with me!  I am thankful for it, it's all I have and at this point, it is all I need.