Sunday, October 7, 2012

What to say...

  
This is a re-post from the journal I kept during the first year after losing Trey.  This is the affirmation that we need, this is what you should say.

TO ALL GRIEVING MOMMIES,
9/30/09
You are the strongest person you have ever met.

You have suffered EVERY parent's worst nightmare. You have lost the very thing you spent your love and your life trying to make. You watched a part of you perish. You watched the hopes and dreams that you had for your child vanish. You were robbed of the maternal rights that you earned when you conceived that baby. You were forced to let go of the very life that you cherished. Your baby lost a fight that they fought with every ounce that they had. Your child's room is empty and their photo albums are not nearly full. You are angry that your child suffered.Your arms are empty and your heart is broken. You have resentful answers to those who try to comfort you. You are angry with God, the world, people who don't deserve the happiness you wanted, the people who didn't want the happiness you wanted but got it anyway, fate, and fairness. You wonder when you will ever be happy again. You watch others experience happiness, and your new self is not 100% into it the way it used to be. You watch others who are pregnant or have children and your emotions and thoughts are ruthless. You lay awake at night or wake up frequently for no other reason than the torture of silence. You watch others not appreciating their children and you want to take those children into your arms. You remember how ever much time you spent with your kid and wish there were one more day, year, or lifetime.

You were left to wonder why. You wished it were you instead of your child. You analyze what you could have done differently. You torture yourself with blame. You are saddled with what you can't have. You struggle with your not-so-conventional role as a mother. You don't know what to do with yourself because however long you spent being a mommy in the physical world, the spiritual world has taken the reigns. You have resentful answers to those who try to comfort you. You are angry with God, the world, people who don't deserve the happiness you wanted, the people who didn't want the happiness you wanted but got it anyway, fate, and fairness. You wonder when you will ever be happy again. You watch others experience happiness, and your new self is not 100% into it the way it used to be. You watch others who are pregnant or have children and your emotions and thoughts are ruthless. You lay awake at night or wake up frequently for no other reason than the torture of silence. You watch others not appreciating their children and you want to take those children into your arms. you listen to people tell you how awful death is but you wonder if they have ever lost a child. You have wanted to hole yourself up, scream, cry, yell, be silent, throw things, squeeze things, hit things, lay on the floor, sleep, drink, be still, be active, stay busy, be lazy, talk, be alone, lock yourself in your child's room, hold their things, avoid their rooms and their stuff, create, destroy, run, stay still, escape, curse anyone and everything, eat, starve, fix, break, fall, rise up, be, brave, be weak, be strong, and submit. The lives of others move on and yours stands still. You repeat everything you say, feel and think and you forget what you've told, expressed, or thought, so you repeat yourself again. Every hour, day, date, month, and year have a meaning to you and suffer through those moments with pride, sorrow, or a little bit of both. Maybe some of those landmarks will fade, but then again maybe they won't, only time will tell. You are learning the ultimate lessons of mortality, recourse, and patience. Your attitude sucks and your normal self would be disappointed at your cynicism, bitterness, callousness, hopelessness, faithlessness, and bitterness. BUT YOU CAN'T HELP IT!!!

Your loved ones are suffering and you witness this alongside your own grief. There are people close to you who are inconsolable, and normally you would be able to hold them up. The tears you once cried for your loved ones are now cried with them. You are well aware of the disappointment and sorrow of those who are close to you. People look at you and speak with you with a hint of pity. You mortify people who are not made privy with the news. The tears of your loved ones level you, although you are comforted that they share and don't hold in. You have trouble going into social situations that are unfamiliar since your child's angel date. You put on a smile, yet cry inside, so that others will not shower you with pity. You wonder what people are thinking and how they are feeling. You want people to talk about your child one minute and shut up about them the next. Though your friends and family hold close, you feel alone. You get to watch the faces and tears of loved ones and want to take it all away even you if you don't have the energy, space, or time. You walk through life fearing the attention but yearning for the recognition. Your friends and family know that nothing they say of do will take this away, but they try anyway, maybe they try to hard or not enough. But at least you know they try. You wish with all your might that you knew what to tell them to do and how to tell them to act but you have no idea what to ask for. All you want is your child back, and no mortal can do that.

YET...

You are still standing. After all you have been through you still exhale, put one foot in front of the other, and attempt each moment, hour, day, week, month, year, and lifetime. Your strength inspires others to take a better stock in their lives and appreciate their blessings. You fight your child's battles well after death by being an advocate, educator, and example. Your loved ones draw from your strength and grow as people. You weather the lows and the highs of your grief, and reach out to others in the process. You are the pride of your risen angel. You strive to live a better life that your child will be proud of. You light your candles in remembrance and brag about your offspring. You wear trinkets of their life, talk about your child, and promote their lives. You help others through their grief and share their journeys. You embrace your fellow mommy mourners and hold them up in their times of sorrow. You listen better, learn more, grow higher, do more, love more, forgive more, and live more. You survive each day no matter what it takes because you have no choice. The need to reach the children you have loved that are in heaven takes a back seat to the life you want to live to get to them in heaven. You celebrate your child's special day with tears, laughter, and memories. You want to put your chin up and wear your strife as a red badge of courage. Life goes on and you walk the beautiful wildflower field of grotesque weeds to get through it. 

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