Friday, October 5, 2012

What not to say...

I am re-posting this from my journal of the first year after losing Trey for the benefit of CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012.   This post was published by churches trying to understand grief and by publications hoping to reach out to those who have never lost a child.

I am a grieving mother to an angel baby. It has not been long since my
> loss and the wound is still fresh. I am not sure what I need right now and
> what I want cannot be in my arms safe and healthy. I don't know what to tell
> you that I need because I do not know. My hopes and dreams for this baby are
> shattered as is my heart. The sorrow I feel permeates EVERY aspect of my
> life and cell in my body. I have an amazing husband who was not allowed to
> be the father to my son as he expected to. I have a beautiful house with a
> nursery that is not in use. I have a wonderful career that I had to leave
> only to lose my son. I have the best family and friends ever who have to
> watch me suffer and suffer with us. I can't escape it, block it out, or make
> it go away. Sometimes I want to talk about it and sometimes I don't. Just
> know when I do communicate about the situation and the pain, my words do not
> even scratch the surface or the misery I am dealing with. When I do I need a
> good listener. One who ask questions about how I feel and what I am thinking
> so that I can further delve into my misery therefore healing a little more.
> I don't need someone to give me advise based on their experience unless it
> is similar to mine or I ask for it. Sometimes I need to talk about something
> else as to keep my mind off of this sorrow and have a new focus. I need to
> be active but want to do nothing. I need to have hope and faith but I want
> to crawl in a hole. I need to keep my chin up but I want to feel all of
> this. My emotions and thoughts are on a constant roller coaster and there is
> no exit. I can't see past the present and don't feel or know that
> everything is going to be made right. I am living moment to moment hoping
> for peace. I know you are hurting with me and for me so sometimes its hard
> to socialize. Everyday is a struggle to get through and every night is
> filled with fear of trying to get through tomorrow. Every morning is filled
> with anxiety about making it through the day. I have a hole that nothing
> will ever fill. Although the words are meant to comfort, not much can be
> said to me that makes me feel better. I have a crass answer in my heart
> every time a comforting phrase is said. "This is God's plan" is met with "I
> hate God's plan right now". "God didn't do this to you?" is said in the same
> breath and dis met by "Well which one is it? God's plan or something he
> didn't do". "He is in a better place" is met with "He should be here with
> me". "He is no longer sick" is met with "He shouldn't have been sick in the
> first place". "God will give you more children" is met with "I don't know
> that and I wanted THIS baby". "It was for the best" is met with "Who's
> best?". I would never say those things to people but they are in my heart. I
> don't mean to sound ungrateful for those people who try to support and
> comfort me, I can only be honest about what I am feeling. My brain agrees with and understands all of their sentiments, but my heart does not. I know these
> feelings and thoughts will not last forever, but they are with me now and I
> hate it. I am not usually this way. I don't want people to be distant but I
> do not want the spotlight either. I just want to get through this in one
> piece and with peace in my heart. Thank you to everyone for their love and
> support. I would not make it through this without it.
> > Sincerely,
> > Sharon

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