Pictures of You

Since I began this journey of child loss grief, I have painfully heard of too many parents and friends who have lost children of all ages.  My first encounter was soon after losing Trey, my Room Mom my first year teaching opened up to me about her stillborn child.  When I returned to work, I found several teachers that had miscarried.  Two years ago, I had a Student Teacher who had lost her first child to stillbirth.  Last year, a teacher started at our school who had recently lost her con to Cancer, he was 10 years old.  This year, the Special Education teacher in my classroom shared with me that she had lost a child at 22 weeks though he lived for a few days.  Recently, a new friend lost her second child to stillbirth only to endure a miscarriage just last week.

Each of these stories, and many more that I have heard throughout the year, have broken my heart, especially as they keep coming.  With each sorrowful story, I feel such compassion for these women, yet admittedly, I feel less alone in my grief.  Then again, I would rather feel alone in my grief than to hear painful stories of others who walk this journey with me.

As always, music is great therapy for me.  This morning I heard "Pictures of You" by The Cure which tells the story of someone who has lost someone dear to him and is mourning the loss.  I am certain it pertains to the loss of a partner, but I got to thinking of the many parallels exhibited in the song to the journey too many of us push through daily.  Some us never got to see pictures.  Some of us store the pictures away, too grief stricken to look at them.  Parents like me display them with pride and find comfort in them  Yet ALL of hold pictures in our minds of the way it SHOULD be, the way our kids SHOULD have lived and grown up.  All we have now are pictures, if any at all.

"Pictures of You" by The Cure

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you  
That I almost believe that they're real  
I've been living so long with my pictures of you  
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
 
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain  
As I ran to your heart to be near  
And we kissed as the sky fell in, holding you close  
How I always held close in your fear
 
Remembering you running soft through the night  
You were bigger, brighter and whiter than snow  
Screamed at the make believe, screamed at the sky  
And you finally found all your courage to let it all go
 
Remembering you fallen into my arms  
Crying for the death of your heart  
You were stone white, so delicate lost in the cold  
You were always so lost in the dark
 
Remembering you, how you used to be  
Slow drowned you were angels, so much more than everything  
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly  
Open my eyes but I never see anything
 
If only I'd thought of the right words 
I could have held on to your heart  
If only I'd thought of the right words  
I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you
 
Looking so long at these pictures of you  
And never hold on to your heart 
Looking so long for the words to be true 
And always just breaking apart, my pictures of you
 
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more  
Than to feel you deep in my heart  
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more  
Than to never feel the breaking apart, my pictures of you