Thursday, September 20, 2012

Moving On

It seems that lately I have become increasingly aware of certain "friends" that seem to be bothered by the mention of my son's name or a story about him, like he's dead, so get over it already!  There are others who have never heard Trey's heroic story and it thrills me to share his short life and his legacy with them.  I also enjoy seeing the comfortability with which they listen to the story of our journey, seeing that this proud Mama does no mind talking about the hero that is her son.

Why is it after a baby dies that some people seem to think we should move on like it was any other death.  I have said before, well someone else told me, but I have shared that the death of a child is the death of the future, everything that could have been.  Deaths of older relatives are the deaths of the past, the times we had with them and the things we shared.  How can I look fondly on the memories I never got to have with my own child the way I did with my Mucca (Grandma) when they never existed?  All I have is the 13 days I watched him suffer, the 13 days I could be at his side, the 13 days we held on to hope, the only 13 days he ever lived.

Think of how much pain one experiences in life, or in life thus far for that matter.  Imagine that crammed into 13 days, the intensity alone would paralyze us now imagine that pain in the four pound body of an extremely sick preemie.  We all think that the pain we feel at any given moment is the worst and I'll admit the pain has gotten easier, well, maybe not entirely easier but most definitely changed, especially with the birth of our daughter.

As with the pain he felt in life and the pain we felt for him in those trying days, that is the only thing I have to look forward to in his life, recalling all of those "wonderful" memories, the times we had, the things we shared.  Time stands still in that respect and the pain eventually settles like oil in vinegar in my heart and soul only to be stirred up with remembering and not given the opportunity to celebrate the future.

That being said, how does one expect me to "move on" or "get over it already" when the pain doesn't move forward, his life does not move forward, there is nothing to look forward to in this lifetime in regards to him, the pain is all we have left of him, the love flows abundant, but that brings happiness and fuels the pride I feel talking about Trey.  On the same token, but the flip side, the pain has to be pushed away sometimes so that one can function in other areas of life like work, parenthood, marriage, etc.  The pain reminds me of the absence of his future.

I have also said that other parents get to talk about their children all of the time, why shouldn't I?  I know it makes certain people uncomfortable but it escapes most that I feel VERY uncomfortable being pregnant twice and only having one here.  The fact that I talk about him with such pride should comfort people, they don't have to offer a shoulder, feel sorry for me, cry with me, hear me out until they make their escape to the bathroom.

He IS my child, in Heaven or not.  He will ALWAYS be my child in Heaven and on Earth.  I will not leave him out, I will not exclude him.  And for the people who have a problem with me including him, take a walk in my shoes and "move on".

1 comment:

  1. On July 1, 2003, my son was born still, His name is Johnny. My daughter was born almost 2 years later on June 29, 2005, her name is Haley.
    I carried them both within me, I planned for both, I prayed for both but only she remains. This doesn't mean he doesn't exist, people don't think when the speak, or don't speak.
    Being a Mommy is a tough job for all of us but it is especially tough for those of us that have lost a baby. We must fight constantly to keep their memory alive and it shouldn't be that way. People try to forget pain and that is understandable but when your entire memory is wrapped around such a painful experience, the pain is what we have and it's ours to live with for the rest of our lives. It does get easier, especially having another child but then we feel almost guilty because how can we feel better? We can't replace babies like tires and so we have this dialogue playing out in our mind and holding on to their memory becomes more important than ever. Seems people remember the living on every occasion but they are afraid to bring up the name of a dead child for fear of upsetting us when really what upsets us is the lack of mentioning our babies at all. It's as if they never existed which is so far from the truth. It becomes painful that we and a select few will be the only ones who do remember.
    I know what you are going through, it's difficult to say the least. I wish I could say that it gets easier but it doesn't, it gets manageable. Here I am 7 years later and just today as Haley was swinging on her swing I could picture him in my mind swinging next to her, he would be 9 years old, I wonder if they look alike...I see him in her, in everything she does I know he is beside her. Haley knows of her brother, I have been totally honest with her about him and together we celebrate his memory every chance we get. The good news is that she never forgets him, never. Stay Strong, enjoy your precious daughter and know that her big brother is there and is a part of her now and always.