Monday, July 16, 2012

Reliving = Renewing

I started today in a bad emotional state after seeing a father share his child loss on national TV.  I reached out on Facebook who walks her own journey through grieving a child.  The conversation was powerful and made me feel better through purging details and emotions suppressed in the undertow of life, not that they were purposely suppressed, just overrun by the blessings of life.  I am thankful to my friend for her time and care, I have deleted her specific details and picture for her privacy.

ME: Having a hard day...
oh no....what's up?
ME: Did u watch secret millionaire last night
No, I didn't. I saw your post about it though....
ME: The Secret Milionare was a father of five, one was stillborn. He shared his raw emotion about it on the show and I have been a wreck ever since. It's rare to see a father show such raw emotion, it's been awhile since I have felt that raw. It just opened something up.
aww...I sort of wished I'd seen itSorry it made you emotional. I know sometimes things like that can take you by surprise and bring you down. Been there
ME: yep, just haven't been this low in a LONG time, wrote a blog about trying to release it too.
I'll have to read...
Do something good for yourself today J
ME:  I think LL and I are going to the zoo with a friend and her daughters
maybe that will take your mind off it. I wish I could give you a hug <3
ME: Listening is a long distance hug
ME: It's been so long since i have cried that hard, it was convulsing, my whole body was shaking, I forgot how to recover from that.  John saw it too and had the same reaction
Wow....must've been pretty powerful. 
ME: To see that Daddy's face and hear is pain, you don't often see that, usually it's the mommies
But it is good that you were able to get it out together.
ME: It was not even the focus of the show, just the first five minutes then his connections with other fathers, he hurt so bad over his wife being alone at an ultrasound when she heard "there is no heartbeat"
Ya husband’s reaction was one that I still look back on and could bring tears to my eyes.   He was strong and pretty much not showing emotion
ME: John's silent tears KILL ME, at the Memorial, he did not make a sound, but the big flowing tears said everything. Then learning that he cries alone in the shower, when he told me that I made him swear to call for me so I can join him. That night we cried together in the shower for three hours
aw. Men don't show their emotions like we do. 
ME:  when we came home from the hospital after hearing that Trey was dying I went upstairs and fell to my knees praying for a miracle and he came up and got down on the floor together and held each other squalling.  They don't show them as often either, when it hits him, its at different times than I do, but I know when it does. He hates his name now, his son's namesake.  Often times I focus on my healing, I don't know how to help him heal, maybe it's not for me to help, helpless does not even describe the feeling...I can only imagine, even though I have been through it, how raw this still is for your family,  it's so new, so fresh
well...I found that I had to understand that {he} had his own way of dealing with it and not expect him to "wallow" with me. I think that sometimes we need to let them heal on their own, but let them know we are there for them.  It's weird. I keep looking back to "this time last year" when we were preparing to add to our family in a few short months. it is still unbelievable how drastic a turn life took 
ME: It all falls out from underneath you
and now being pregnant again...I am almost afraid to look ahead
ME: I was too, John was a nervous wreck throughout the whole pregnancy, as was I, but he had his own reasons, he saw Trey code more times than he will share with me, to quote him, after he left the NICU the night Trey was born, "Where is my wife? This has broken her."  That night was the worst night of our lives, it was almost peaceful to let him go
I am sure you didn't want to see him suffer I could see that.
ME: We didn't know he was suffering so much, the doctor in the NICU hospital he was born in told us he was stable, the we get to the Children's Hospital and they said verbatim "We have a feeling you haven't been told the whole story", we died that day
that's awful...b/c you had some kind of hope at first.  and then it was dashed when you learned more.
ME: We were SO excited he finally had a bed, when they were loading him up I FINALLY got a picture with his eyes open, the last time I would ever see them, the nurse knew I wanted a picture with his eyes open, she grabbed me and told me to get my camera, thank goodness for her observation and care
so glad you got that!!
ME: It is my treasure...we saw hope in those eyes, it was a day for celebration, he gave me that gift, blessed boy
ME: I believe that when he got to Heaven, God told him to pick out our Rainbow Baby, he waited for the right time and gave us perfection in the form of LL
How long after did you get pregnant?
ME: We started the following January and found out we were pregnant in early November, so about 11 months of trying. The Specialist wanted us to wait 6 months so we could heal, then they would do anything in their powers to help us conceive again. They had been through this many times with other patients.  I am hoping John will be open to trying again in the spring and it won't take so long, I have to believe that, I need the third child I've ALWAYS wanted
I understand!
ME: The name will start with a "C", so my children's initials will be TLC
aww! That's nice!
ME: I already have the names in mind, just waiting for the right time, we both need to be ready
Right. Well....I will pray that it all works out when the time is right for you. I am sure Trey will work his magic again!
ME: I already see him waiting with another child, the same way I saw him with Lorelei, he's waiting too
Have faith and the time will come. I've got to run....but I am glad we were able to chat. Keep your chin up today and know you are not alone! <3
ME: Thanks for your time, and thanks for listening, I feel better already 

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