Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Bittersweet by Sharon Chatham | Exhale Literary Magazine



Bittersweet by Sharon Chatham | Exhale Literary Magazine

I love it when others enjoy or connect with my writing, it makes it easier to share with others so they can enjoy and/or connect with it.  :)

Monday, July 16, 2012

Reliving = Renewing


I started today in a bad emotional state after seeing a father share his child loss on national TV.  I reached out on Facebook who walks her own journey through grieving a child.  The conversation was powerful and made me feel better through purging details and emotions suppressed in the undertow of life, not that they were purposely suppressed, just overrun by the blessings of life.  I am thankful to my friend for her time and care, I have deleted her specific details and picture for her privacy.


ME: Having a hard day...
oh no....what's up?
ME: Did u watch secret millionaire last night
No, I didn't. I saw your post about it though....
ME: The Secret Milionare was a father of five, one was stillborn. He shared his raw emotion about it on the show and I have been a wreck ever since. It's rare to see a father show such raw emotion, it's been awhile since I have felt that raw. It just opened something up.
aww...I sort of wished I'd seen itSorry it made you emotional. I know sometimes things like that can take you by surprise and bring you down. Been there
ME: yep, just haven't been this low in a LONG time, wrote a blog about trying to release it too.
I'll have to read...
ME: http://www.angelsteps.net/2012/07/angel-daddy-speaks.html
Do something good for yourself today J
ME:  I think LL and I are going to the zoo with a friend and her daughters
maybe that will take your mind off it. I wish I could give you a hug <3
ME: Listening is a long distance hug
ME: It's been so long since i have cried that hard, it was convulsing, my whole body was shaking, I forgot how to recover from that.  John saw it too and had the same reaction
Wow....must've been pretty powerful. 
ME: To see that Daddy's face and hear is pain, you don't often see that, usually it's the mommies
But it is good that you were able to get it out together.
ME: It was not even the focus of the show, just the first five minutes then his connections with other fathers, he hurt so bad over his wife being alone at an ultrasound when she heard "there is no heartbeat"
Ya know...my husband’s reaction was one that I still look back on and could bring tears to my eyes.   He was strong and pretty much not showing emotion
ME: John's silent tears KILL ME, at the Memorial, he did not make a sound, but the big flowing tears said everything. Then learning that he cries alone in the shower, when he told me that I made him swear to call for me so I can join him. That night we cried together in the shower for three hours
aw. Men don't show their emotions like we do. 
ME:  when we came home from the hospital after hearing that Trey was dying I went upstairs and fell to my knees praying for a miracle and he came up and got down on the floor together and held each other squalling.  They don't show them as often either, when it hits him, its at different times than I do, but I know when it does. He hates his name now, his son's namesake.  Often times I focus on my healing, I don't know how to help him heal, maybe it's not for me to help, helpless does not even describe the feeling...I can only imagine, even though I have been through it, how raw this still is for your family,  it's so new, so fresh
well...I found that I had to understand that {he} had his own way of dealing with it and not expect him to "wallow" with me. I think that sometimes we need to let them heal on their own, but let them know we are there for them.  It's weird. I keep looking back to "this time last year" when we were preparing to add to our family in a few short months. it is still unbelievable how drastic a turn life took 
ME: It all falls out from underneath you
and now being pregnant again...I am almost afraid to look ahead
ME: I was too, John was a nervous wreck throughout the whole pregnancy, as was I, but he had his own reasons, he saw Trey code more times than he will share with me, to quote him, after he left the NICU the night Trey was born, "Where is my wife? This has broken her."  That night was the worst night of our lives, it was almost peaceful to let him go
I am sure you didn't want to see him suffer anymore...so I could see that.
ME: We didn't know he was suffering so much, the doctor in the NICU hospital he was born in told us he was stable, the we get to the Children's Hospital and they said verbatim "We have a feeling you haven't been told the whole story", we died that day
that's awful...b/c you had some kind of hope at first.  and then it was dashed when you learned more.
ME: We were SO excited he finally had a bed, when they were loading him up I FINALLY got a picture with his eyes open, the last time I would ever see them, the nurse knew I wanted a picture with his eyes open, she grabbed me and told me to get my camera, thank goodness for her observation and care
so glad you got that!!
ME: It is my treasure...we saw hope in those eyes, it was a day for celebration, he gave me that gift, blessed boy
<3
ME: I believe that when he got to Heaven, God told him to pick out our Rainbow Baby, he waited for the right time and gave us perfection in the form of LL
How long after did you get pregnant?
ME: We started the following January and found out we were pregnant in early November, so about 11 months of trying. The Specialist wanted us to wait 6 months so we could heal, then they would do anything in their powers to help us conceive again. They had been through this many times with other patients.  I am hoping John will be open to trying again in the spring and it won't take so long, I have to believe that, I need the third child I've ALWAYS wanted
I understand!
ME: The name will start with a "C", so my children's initials will be TLC
aww! That's nice!
ME: I already have the names in mind, just waiting for the right time, we both need to be ready
Right. Well....I will pray that it all works out when the time is right for you. I am sure Trey will work his magic again!
ME: I already see him waiting with another child, the same way I saw him with Lorelei, he's waiting too
Have faith and the time will come. I've got to run....but I am glad we were able to chat. Keep your chin up today and know you are not alone! <3
ME: Thanks for your time, and thanks for listening, I feel better already 




An Angel Daddy Speaks



I ended a big happy weekend last night by relaxing on the couch watching TV with my husband.  I was about to drift off into an early bedtime when Secret Millionaire came on tickling my curiosity.  The show takes successful professionals who make a lot of money and connects them with charitable organizations in a community.  Without disclosign their wealth, they volunteer for and learn about these organizations.  At the end of the show, they reveal their truth selves and their wealth and donate large amounts of money at their discretion to each of the charities.  All around it's a feel good REAL reality show and we've always felt inspired by watching.

Within the first five minutes of the show it was clear we were in for much more of an emotional journey with this particular story.  The internet millionaire, husband, and father of five shared that four of his children they were able to keep on Earth.  Through tears, he relayed the story of the phone call he got from his wife near the due date of their son that "there was no heartbeat".  As soon as he uttered those words, the tears convulsed out of me in a way I have not felt for YEARS!!!  My husband too felt the diluge and had to leave the room, spilling tears of his own.

I stayed paralized in emotions throughout most of the episode through the visit to an organization that took care of children with special needs, offering training classes, and equipment.  One particular child lives with Cerebral Palsy and the center made him a sensory tent out of ordinary objects which immediately got in and adored!!

The boy's father stole away in tears, tears of happiness, pride, and I am sure gratittude.  When the Secret Millionaire sat down with him, the father explained that, like the SM, he worked too much to be ab le to provide for his family and the needs of his son.  He didn't get to go to the center to watch his son discover basic life skills like is wife did.  Seeing his son in the sensory tent in their home and the happineness it brought him gave him pride in all his hard work, that it is making a difference yet he wishes he didn't have to work so much so that he could see more moments like this.   The Work-A-Holic Secret Millionaire could relate, before the loss of his son and amost losing his own life in a span of 4 months, he too worked too much and missed out on the wonderful wonders of life.  The part that got me again, was watching and listening to him relating to now be able to see all of the new things his son was doing because he was working.  It left me wondering if he was only talking about his living children...

Towards the end of the episode, the modd lightened and miracles were being performed both in the charities and in the SM.  I was able to peel myself off the couch and enjoy watching three charities receive large sums of donations from him.

After the episode ended, I was forced to think about the emotional hurricane that had just rocked my entire being for the last hour, to be honest I wasn't sure it was over.

In talking with my husband later I learned that he thought it juts triggered my heartache over our son.  Maybe so, but what touched me even more was a father speaking openly, using all emotions, unabated for hte whole world to see.

Throughout this grief journey, the majority of my contacts and conversations have been with Angel Mommies and only then do I get the rare accounts of their partners' pain.  Hearing these accounts second hand pulls at my heart strings yet seeing a father speak on the loss of his child with raw emotion and no holds bar collapses everything I am used to in hte grief world.  I have seen my husband's pain for the last three years, I am familiar, often engrossed in the muddy emotions that losing a son leaves a daddy with.

Through the years his emotions have changed, they are still there but present themselves in a different capacity.  Seeing this father share his story with the world brought me back to the silent tears my husband would cry over his son becuase there was not sound, word, or utterance needed when the pain is that great.  The Secret Millionaire's openness brought back the raw emotion of loss, deep in the wound, though life covers it with scabs and scars.

I guess until that point I got the idea that Angel Mommies bare the brunt of the emotional journey of losing a child, not to say that Angel Daddies don't feel the emotions too, but since the Mommies are usually the only ones that are vocal and social about it, I always thought we Mommies needed to talk about it more.

I am proud of him for sharing his tragedy with the world and bringing a father's voice to child loss, although I know that was not the point of the show...I now have more respect for and will search harder for an Angel Daddy who speaks.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Widget

It amazes and surprises me sometimes the little things in life that remind you of the big picture of life.

Case in point, to the left of my blog are my children's time tickers from Lilypie.  Trey's tracks the time since we lost him and Lorelei's tracks her age as she grows.

Last week I tried to update Lorelei's ticker to track her progress towards her 2nd birthday, as her first year ticker had timed out.  It's funny as I think of her timing out and Trey's continuing, isn't that ironic???  Anyway, I created her new time ticker but when I went to add it on my blog, something was not working and it did not transfer right.  WHAT?!?!?

I guess it's peaceful to relate the consistency of Trey's Lilypie ticker, things will always be the same for him, Heavenly Peace.  Alternatively, the ticker tracks days we miss him and everyday another day is added.  There's never a countdown or an end result or a new ticker to create.

Lorelei continues to move through the stages of her life, including her first birthday, and I find it ironic that I had trouble creating a time ticker for my living child.  The creation is easy (and fun) enough, even exciting that I am able to do this for her, yet when I proceed to put it on my blog apparently there are some "details" I have to fill in, I have no idea what that means...there ARE no details except that my baby is a live and I want the world to see how much she grows.

Today when I tried it again, the same thing happened so I tried to copy and paste the HTML but when I clicked on it I was presented with the message "file not found".  It's interesting to think that it takes SO much more emotional energy to grieve the lost of a child than raising a healthy baby, yet it takes more energy to create a freakin' widget for my child who is living than to keep up with the widget of the son that I miss.

Maybe I need a widget to manage the obvious, ironic, and far reaching connections in my life. I wonder how much effort that would take?

IT FINALLY WORKED thanks to switching from Firefox to Internet Explorer....hmmm


Monday, July 9, 2012

Balloons

Balloons for Trey in Lorelei's 1st Birthday

The release of those balloons for Trey and his Angel Friends


Dear child, I know you are sad you let go of your balloon,
But an angel in heaven will be receiving it soon.
A child like you taken too early from this place,
Can you imagine the smile on his face?
He will look down from Heaven, his home in the clouds,
He'll get so excited waiting to catch it and feel proud.
Though you will have a lifetime of balloons with which you can play,
While angels up in Heaven can only pray,
That a sweet child like you will release such a treat towards the sky,
Though they know you hold onto them as hard as you can try.
Angels smile as they watch you live and play,
They wish they could join you each and everyday.
 Yet they can only observe and wish that they could be,
A child like you who can play in this life endlessly.
So sweet child, cry not for your balloon,
Smile for the angel that will be catching it soon.

Friday, July 6, 2012

For BOTH of my children





Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

Chorus (first time substitute
"strength" for "love" and
"saved" for "changed"):


And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember

Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
chorus
I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Mmmmm... (I'll remember)
Mmmmm...

chorus
(I'll remember)

No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
repeat 3 times, substituting
"And" for "Now" the second and
third times