Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Tough Love

How do I love thee, Trey?  Let me count the ways.  But, HOW do I love thee when you're so far away, when the only time I bonded with you was in my belly?  The guilt of not bonding with your during your short life pains me daily.  How do you bond with a child you can't cuddle anytime you want?  How can you bond with a son you know will die? 

The closest anyone came to bond with you is when you were living in my belly, when we did not know what was wrong.  We lost all that was supposed to be you, but we gained what was supposed to be you as well.  You have inspired us all, whether it be that life is short and precious or that strength is the essence to life.

I think you took all of my strength with you when you went to Heaven, you are the strongest person I have ever known and that makes me proud to be your Momma, you must have gotten your strength from Daddy, that makes me proud as well.  Your heart is Mommy's and your strength is Daddy's.

So how do I strive on without your strength, the strength I felt from you as you grew inside me, the strength that I believed would carry you through?  Admittedly, I have made it over three years, one foot in front of the other, but white knuckling it does not make a full life, my heart still drags.  I should recognize my own strength living on, having another child, supporting others, yet sometimes, who am I fooling, most of the time, I can't "let you go", I don't know how to not include you.

I feel like you're constantly trying to teach me something, to challenge me, but I am having trouble seeing passed the loss.  I can't sink myself into your smile or revel in your discovery of life.  Your milestones are only existent in Heaven where I know you are charming the pants off of everyone, staying near to loved ones that have passed before you.  They get the glory, they get the time with you, they get your "life".  Your life is what I wanted, what I needed, what I strived and yearned for.

Did you chose us because we wanted parenthood so bad, because we wanted a family more than anything after over a year of infertility? Did you feel sorry for us?  We only felt sorry for you when we knew that you suffered too long, when we learned we had been duped, when we found out that you had been suffering all along.  Did you hang on long enough for us to be ready to let you go?  I believe so, now THAT is strength.

How am I supposed to feel about that?  On the one hand, I admire your strength, yet in a selfish way, I feel like if we would have been told the truth about your health, we would have let you go the night you were born, no suffering, no pain.  The energy of the strength you had to show would have been transferred to us, we would have made a hard decision that night, but we also would've lived without the heartache of thinking you would be ok, of being misled, of getting our hopes up.  

Sometimes I wish you would have abandoned ship, if for your own sake.  I would NEVER want for ANY of my children to suffer so much just to get Daddy and I to a place of acceptance.  Was that the plan all along?  Is that my challenge dear boy?  Your cunning ways befuddle me and yet I know I have to role with the punches.  Currently, I think that is the hardest part of losing you.  I want to live my life like you did yours, but I am still so jaded that I don't know how to be that strong.

Everyday you try to teach me strength, yet us humans are so stubborn.  We have to live the pain and strife of Earthly life, angels never know it, never understand it, never have to suffer it.  All I see is YOUR strength and not my own.  I ask you constantly for strength, for patience especially and you never fail to deliver, especially when it comes to your sister.  Am I selfish to ask you to provide me strength when I can't find my own strength in my life that you imparted on me while I carried you?

I apologize for letting you down, for not showing the strength you require of me, the strength you supposedly left for me.  It's truly tough love loving you, tough because you're not here to uphold me,  I am sorry I am not tough enough to love you from Earth the way you love me from Heaven.  You are tougher and stronger than I will EVER be, throughout life I will be searching for your strength and longing for the tough stuff you have shown in life and death.

How do I love thee...let me count the ways...

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