Thursday, June 7, 2012

Salt to the Wound

I was once told that since I have conceived a child, it would be easier in subsequent tries.  I had such anxiety about my infertility when trying to get pregnant the first time.  After we lost Trey, I worried that my chance to have children was lost.  My husband and I were eager to try again, yet petrified of going through child loss again.

Getting pregnant with Lorelei took less time but still filled me with anxiety again.  At this point I had lost a child and had two chemical pregnancies that my husband was not aware of.  He would often marvel at my desperation to have a living child, come to think of it, he still marvels at it.

Now that I have a healthy child, one would think that can breathe easier about conceiving another child.

Well, I'd like to say that is true, but it couldn't be farther from the truth.  Months ago, I learned that my husband still suffers from the emotional toll having Lorelei took on both of us, the worry, the delay of birth due to a failed epidural, the flashbacks, the rush to clear her lungs of meconium. the constant fear of losing her, and the reality that we should be better at this whole parenting thing because this is our second child.

Add to this unexplained infertility issues, although it took seven fewer months to conceive our daughter than Trey, hopefully the trend will continue, leaving me pregnant in about four months (fingers crossed).  

Both of my children were conceived miraculously, both shortly before we decided to take a break from trying.  People often say to me "See, if you just relax and don't stress over conceiving, it happens.  You stopped trying so hard and it happened."  THOSE KIND OF STATEMENTS MAKE ME SO MAD I WANT TO SPIT!!!!

First off, I was in the early weeks of pregnancy when we decided to take a break, AKA I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT!!!  Secondly, these statements usually come from those who do not suffer from infertility and/or have never lost a child. Third, NO ONE should judge my processes, emotions, and stress in regards to having a baby.  Lastly, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

So this brings me to the present. I have ALWAYS wanted three children so it is only fitting that I want to go through this whole roller coaster one more time.  The husband is hesitant.  My system is stubborn.  We are getting older.  We are still traveling the journey of grieving our child.  Yet, I want to start trying for baby number 3 in the Spring of 2013, after Trey's 4th Birthday.  I feel 4 is lucky, symbolizing our healthy potential family of four here on Earth, a present from Trey.

When we married, I had dreams about two children with long curly hair, a big sister and her little brother.  They were running, holding hands, onto a windy beach with me looking on from behind.  So, when Trey was, I started questioning my vision, I was sure it would come into fruition, I abandoned the notion. 

After we lost him, my vision changed to him holding the hand of a curly headed angel, most of the time my feelings led me to believe it was a girl, waiting to be sent down to join our family.  Currently, I have the same vision, except it's a different angel child's hand he is holding and my feeling is that the child is a boy.  We believe that Trey went to Heaven and God told him that he could pick out his sibling(s).  He carefully chose Lorelei for us and I have to believe that he knows my desperation to live my dream of having three children, even if one is in Heaven.

The hope and the anxiety make one hell of a cock fight and give me a new avenue of anxiety that came out of nowhere.  Where I am no longer jealous of pregnant women, I look at them and FEAR, gut wrenching, sickness inducing, sob starting, heart palpitating, FEAR that I will not be pregnant with a healthy baby again, that my husband will decide he doesn't want another one, that we will lose another one, that my uterus has fizzled out.

Once again, I am wishing for 10 seconds in the future to ease my whole being or to confirm my fears, so I can stop worrying about this.  I wished for this during both of our fights with fertility and never thought I would have to wish it again.  

The wound that is infertility and baby loss is not as healed as I thought, the scar is burning and the scab is cracking.  This recent anxiety and fear pours it's self into this wound like salt water, the very water that relaxes me now while on vacation at the beach with my family.  My wish for the present is that I will be able to apply the relaxation and healing properties of salt water at the beach to the pain felt when elements of life, probably my own weakness, salt a wound, breaking it open instead of contributing to the healing.

The thing is, salt water has long been considered healing for numerous conditions inside and outside the body, it may make one uncomfortable in the short term, but one has to look forward to the healing that will take place.  Bring on the salt...

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