Tuesday, June 26, 2012

the road less...

The road less balanced on

  The road less day dreamed

The road less strolled

The road less fished

The road less hiked

The road less picnic-ed on

The road less mourned, cried over, battled through, survived,  experienced,  grieved,  lived through, fathomed,  lonely, cheated, complicated, understood...THANK GOD!  Add your own in the comment section below.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Tough Love

How do I love thee, Trey?  Let me count the ways.  But, HOW do I love thee when you're so far away, when the only time I bonded with you was in my belly?  The guilt of not bonding with your during your short life pains me daily.  How do you bond with a child you can't cuddle anytime you want?  How can you bond with a son you know will die? 

The closest anyone came to bond with you is when you were living in my belly, when we did not know what was wrong.  We lost all that was supposed to be you, but we gained what was supposed to be you as well.  You have inspired us all, whether it be that life is short and precious or that strength is the essence to life.

I think you took all of my strength with you when you went to Heaven, you are the strongest person I have ever known and that makes me proud to be your Momma, you must have gotten your strength from Daddy, that makes me proud as well.  Your heart is Mommy's and your strength is Daddy's.

So how do I strive on without your strength, the strength I felt from you as you grew inside me, the strength that I believed would carry you through?  Admittedly, I have made it over three years, one foot in front of the other, but white knuckling it does not make a full life, my heart still drags.  I should recognize my own strength living on, having another child, supporting others, yet sometimes, who am I fooling, most of the time, I can't "let you go", I don't know how to not include you.

I feel like you're constantly trying to teach me something, to challenge me, but I am having trouble seeing passed the loss.  I can't sink myself into your smile or revel in your discovery of life.  Your milestones are only existent in Heaven where I know you are charming the pants off of everyone, staying near to loved ones that have passed before you.  They get the glory, they get the time with you, they get your "life".  Your life is what I wanted, what I needed, what I strived and yearned for.

Did you chose us because we wanted parenthood so bad, because we wanted a family more than anything after over a year of infertility? Did you feel sorry for us?  We only felt sorry for you when we knew that you suffered too long, when we learned we had been duped, when we found out that you had been suffering all along.  Did you hang on long enough for us to be ready to let you go?  I believe so, now THAT is strength.

How am I supposed to feel about that?  On the one hand, I admire your strength, yet in a selfish way, I feel like if we would have been told the truth about your health, we would have let you go the night you were born, no suffering, no pain.  The energy of the strength you had to show would have been transferred to us, we would have made a hard decision that night, but we also would've lived without the heartache of thinking you would be ok, of being misled, of getting our hopes up.  

Sometimes I wish you would have abandoned ship, if for your own sake.  I would NEVER want for ANY of my children to suffer so much just to get Daddy and I to a place of acceptance.  Was that the plan all along?  Is that my challenge dear boy?  Your cunning ways befuddle me and yet I know I have to role with the punches.  Currently, I think that is the hardest part of losing you.  I want to live my life like you did yours, but I am still so jaded that I don't know how to be that strong.

Everyday you try to teach me strength, yet us humans are so stubborn.  We have to live the pain and strife of Earthly life, angels never know it, never understand it, never have to suffer it.  All I see is YOUR strength and not my own.  I ask you constantly for strength, for patience especially and you never fail to deliver, especially when it comes to your sister.  Am I selfish to ask you to provide me strength when I can't find my own strength in my life that you imparted on me while I carried you?

I apologize for letting you down, for not showing the strength you require of me, the strength you supposedly left for me.  It's truly tough love loving you, tough because you're not here to uphold me,  I am sorry I am not tough enough to love you from Earth the way you love me from Heaven.  You are tougher and stronger than I will EVER be, throughout life I will be searching for your strength and longing for the tough stuff you have shown in life and death.

How do I love thee...let me count the ways...

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Salt to the Wound

I was once told that since I have conceived a child, it would be easier in subsequent tries.  I had such anxiety about my infertility when trying to get pregnant the first time.  After we lost Trey, I worried that my chance to have children was lost.  My husband and I were eager to try again, yet petrified of going through child loss again.

Getting pregnant with Lorelei took less time but still filled me with anxiety again.  At this point I had lost a child and had two chemical pregnancies that my husband was not aware of.  He would often marvel at my desperation to have a living child, come to think of it, he still marvels at it.

Now that I have a healthy child, one would think that can breathe easier about conceiving another child.

Well, I'd like to say that is true, but it couldn't be farther from the truth.  Months ago, I learned that my husband still suffers from the emotional toll having Lorelei took on both of us, the worry, the delay of birth due to a failed epidural, the flashbacks, the rush to clear her lungs of meconium. the constant fear of losing her, and the reality that we should be better at this whole parenting thing because this is our second child.

Add to this unexplained infertility issues, although it took seven fewer months to conceive our daughter than Trey, hopefully the trend will continue, leaving me pregnant in about four months (fingers crossed).  

Both of my children were conceived miraculously, both shortly before we decided to take a break from trying.  People often say to me "See, if you just relax and don't stress over conceiving, it happens.  You stopped trying so hard and it happened."  THOSE KIND OF STATEMENTS MAKE ME SO MAD I WANT TO SPIT!!!!

First off, I was in the early weeks of pregnancy when we decided to take a break, AKA I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT!!!  Secondly, these statements usually come from those who do not suffer from infertility and/or have never lost a child. Third, NO ONE should judge my processes, emotions, and stress in regards to having a baby.  Lastly, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

So this brings me to the present. I have ALWAYS wanted three children so it is only fitting that I want to go through this whole roller coaster one more time.  The husband is hesitant.  My system is stubborn.  We are getting older.  We are still traveling the journey of grieving our child.  Yet, I want to start trying for baby number 3 in the Spring of 2013, after Trey's 4th Birthday.  I feel 4 is lucky, symbolizing our healthy potential family of four here on Earth, a present from Trey.

When we married, I had dreams about two children with long curly hair, a big sister and her little brother.  They were running, holding hands, onto a windy beach with me looking on from behind.  So, when Trey was, I started questioning my vision, I was sure it would come into fruition, I abandoned the notion. 

After we lost him, my vision changed to him holding the hand of a curly headed angel, most of the time my feelings led me to believe it was a girl, waiting to be sent down to join our family.  Currently, I have the same vision, except it's a different angel child's hand he is holding and my feeling is that the child is a boy.  We believe that Trey went to Heaven and God told him that he could pick out his sibling(s).  He carefully chose Lorelei for us and I have to believe that he knows my desperation to live my dream of having three children, even if one is in Heaven.

The hope and the anxiety make one hell of a cock fight and give me a new avenue of anxiety that came out of nowhere.  Where I am no longer jealous of pregnant women, I look at them and FEAR, gut wrenching, sickness inducing, sob starting, heart palpitating, FEAR that I will not be pregnant with a healthy baby again, that my husband will decide he doesn't want another one, that we will lose another one, that my uterus has fizzled out.

Once again, I am wishing for 10 seconds in the future to ease my whole being or to confirm my fears, so I can stop worrying about this.  I wished for this during both of our fights with fertility and never thought I would have to wish it again.  

The wound that is infertility and baby loss is not as healed as I thought, the scar is burning and the scab is cracking.  This recent anxiety and fear pours it's self into this wound like salt water, the very water that relaxes me now while on vacation at the beach with my family.  My wish for the present is that I will be able to apply the relaxation and healing properties of salt water at the beach to the pain felt when elements of life, probably my own weakness, salt a wound, breaking it open instead of contributing to the healing.

The thing is, salt water has long been considered healing for numerous conditions inside and outside the body, it may make one uncomfortable in the short term, but one has to look forward to the healing that will take place.  Bring on the salt...