Thursday, May 17, 2012

It Won't Be Me

I will get married and have the three children I always dreamed of.
My fertility will make it quite easy, hopefully too easy.
My pregnancies will be 100% pure joy and the births will go on without a hitch.
I will birth my babies and take them home with me a few days later.
Everyone will celebrate and balloons will be put on the mailbox.

My children will grow up healthy, give me a run for my money yet succeed at anything they try to do.
They'll be the picture of health, save the various infectious "bugs" that go around.
They will never struggle to hold life or hold their heads high.
People will view my family as a model family, a family they dream to have.

I will never miss a milestone, birthday, phase, heartbreak, graduation, marriage, birth.
I will foster their every stage of life and watch them bloom by my support and example.
My children will want to be like me both in parenthood and in success.
We will become so close as a family and pass that bond onto future generations.

My children will die after me, I will never have to eulogize them.
I will watch my children grow older and have them take care of me in old age.
From Heaven I will hope that they don't grieve too long, life is too short.

I won't ever have to sit through hours of scans so the doctors can figure out what's wrong.
I won't go into pre-term labor and have my baby taken to the NICU.
I won't EVER have to see my child on too many machines to count.
Never will I have to sign papers turning off the machines that keep my child alive.

I will never live each day grateful that I got through the last one without my child.
I will never wish my child was living and wonder what they'd be doing at present.
There will never be an empty place in my heart, home, life, and family where my child should be.
I will never mourn my children or feel guilt about why or how they died.

It won't be least that's what I thought


  1. This is beautiful, life does not give us what we plan or what we want, there is often more pain than we thought possible but there is hope, you are Trey's mom, not the way you planed , not the way you wanted and with more pain than you thought possible but you honor, love and cherish him and that evident in all you do. Thank you.

  2. Hi,
    Life is full of unpleasant surprises!
    I kind of understand your pain as I have lost a baby before. And I can tell you that time does not heal this wound but if you would trust in The One who gave him to you, He would walk with you all the way.
    I found your blog on blogupp and just loved it. I now follow you on GFC and Networked blog, you can find me at:

  3.'s where I found you. A mommy to an angel can not be easy, a mommy to an earthly child isn't easy either however the warmth is so much better. I am sorry you lost your little boy. My little boy turned 20 and headed off to college this past April, I am lost but learning to live. A mommy to an only child is awesome and hard.
    I plan on sitting a spell and reading some more. Just wanted to say hey. Blessings!!

  4. Thank you ladies!! Please spread the word and help me reach other Angel Parents! HUGS!!