Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My Mother's Day

On Mother's Day I miss my son.
Yet I look up into the sky and feel him smiling down on me.

On Mother's Day other mothers are accepting handmade gifts from their children
When I bask in the glow of my son's bravery.

On Mother's Day some mothers are having breakfast in bed.
I wake up next to my husband who thinks I am the best mommy ever!

On Mother's Day I miss having the duties of a mommy.
Yet my duty is to spread his story and his inspiration every chance I get.

On Mother's Day I wonder what he'd be doing now.
But when I think about my role in my son's life I know he's proud of me.

On Mother's Day I realize that most don't consider me a mother.
I know I have made the ultimate sacrifice as a mother, that makes me a mommy.

On Mother's Day most mothers get to snuggle their children.
On that day I know that my child is always in my heart and is always watching over me.

On Mother's Day mommies look forward to being honored.
I dread it but enjoy those who honor me as a mom.

On Mother's Day a lot of mommies spend time with their loved ones.
My time is spent with close loved ones who call me a mommy.

On Mother's Day most mothers reflect on their years as a mommy.
The milestones I have missed pain me but the days to come present so many possibilities.

On Mother's Day many mothers feel proud of all of their kids' accomplishments.
My son didn't have enough time yet he achieved strength and love.

On Mother's Day many moms look forward to watching their kids grow and thrive.
I look forward to seeing how my son's life will help others if not myself.

On Mother's Day other mommies are getting cards from family members.
I get flowers from my husband and a card from my parents, I don't need much more.

On Mother's Day some moms remember the years, the pregnancies, the joy of motherhood.
I rub my belly remembering the calm before the storm. pure bliss.

On Mother's Day many mommies look forward to watching the next milestones.
The days to come only bring motherhood in some aspect to me.

On Mother's Day there are moms who carry a strong load yet revel in it.
Losing my son is a strong load yet a labor of love, I carry it with pride.

On Mother's Day companies put out all sorts of cards honoring all mommies.
There isn't a card for my role as a mommy, yet I don't need a card, only the love of those who care.

On Mother's Day a lot of moms refer back to memorable photos.
My limited photos remind me of love, and the hope of things to come.

On Mother's day there are a lot of moms who feel like this day is the only day they are honored.;
I feel blessed and looked after everyday by my guardian angel, my son.

On Mother's Day some mothers wish they could be with their babies.
I do too, yet his life in Heaven is much better than what he would live on Earth.

On Mother's Day most moms are crying tears of happiness at their accomplishments as a mom.
I cry tears of loss yet the same tears of pride, the same tears of those moms, in a different capacity.

On Mother's Day ALL mothers all honored.
I AM  mother and I feel honored! <3






Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A message to the newest baby loss mama's

I copied this off of http://nearlynotquite.com/2011/10/26/a-message-to-the-newest-baby-loss-mamas  This blog entry is raw, powerful, and a resource I wish I had when we lost Trey.  I can identify with EVERY aspect of it.  It's long but detailed so please read and share with others you think need the resource or might benefit.  Please be sure to reference the above link to those you share it with.  May these days be ever gentle to you all.  :) Sharon



A message to the newest baby loss mama’s.
There are 7 steps to grief. They are:
1 - Shock & Denial
2 - Pain & Guilt –
3 - Anger & Bargaining – Emotional outburst
4 - Depression & Loneliness
5 - Upward turn – adjusting to the loss
6 - Reconstruction of life without the loved one
7 - Acceptance & Hope (Not happiness but reminiscing without intense pain)

Ignore that. All of that, doesn't mean a damn thing to you right now. Because right now your heart is broken and you are lost and confused and hurting so much that it feels as though with every breath you take you are going to shatter into tiny little pieces. If you've ever shattered a glass, and tried to reassemble it you’ll know it’s impossible. Shards can’t be replaced, often, they can’t even be found. Yes, this is your heart. Yes, I know it well.

When you wake up every morning and for just that one second you have that blissful unawareness, you will come to treasure it. Because shortly after you’ll remember. My baby died. And then the crushing reality will fall in on you. You will probably find yourself crying before you even get out of bed. You will cry in the shower. The car. The line at the grocery store. The bank, the post office, the school drop off line. Everywhere you go, there will be tears.

There will be pregnant people. Tiny newborns. Just seeing them will break you. You will be angry at them, so so angry. You will be irrational, and you will say things you would never mean, but it’s ok. You are entitled, and anyone who is someone worth having in your life will let you be you at this time. Don’t bottle up. Don’t be silent. Don’t hold back. Spew your venom to your friends – that’s what they are there for, and while you will not feel better, the release of negativity will help. It’s a step, you have to go through it.
We know you don’t wish this pain on anyone. We know that intellectually you don’t want someone else’s baby to be dead, just as you don’t want yours to be. Intellectually, you know that. Emotionally it hurts so bad that it needs to be anyone else, just so you can stop aching, every single second.

They say empty arms hurt more than an empty heart. Your arms will ache for your baby. You will wake up cradling your pillow, where your babe should be. Your breasts will hurt. You will bleed and feel as though your life force has been pulled from you. Just breathing will be a chore. I know. I know.
When people talk of the beauty of the world, of the sunrise, of the rain, you will cry. Because when a baby dies there is no beauty. For now at least, the world is black and white. In the white, the babies who live. In the black. Us. Those who have lost. Those who yearn and cry and beg and scream and kick and fight with all of our being for something we cannot have back, but are not willing to let go of.

Treasure the moments of your grief. You are screaming for your baby. Your baby is honoured through your tears, through your agony. You are allowed to be this. In this moment. In these days, these weeks you can be what you need to be. Do not feel pulled into any direction. Walk each day as it is, and how you must walk it. If you need to take  a stick, and scream at the ocean while beating a tree then do it. For holding back the grief will see you drown.

Gradually and eventually, and in your own time, you will begin to feel a calm. Do not be fooled into thinking you are beyond the agony. Be aware that you will find triggers. There will be things that never in a million years would cause you to cry – before. But now, that smell, that view, that picture, that song will have you howling in pain, as you struggle to come to grips with the enormity of a life with only memories.  It will make you angry. Yes, you will go back to anger. You will go back to desperation, loneliness. You may bounce forward to acceptance, and then right back to bargaining in a single day. Nobody walks the 7 steps, and walks them straight. I wish someone had told me that. It always stunned me that I would wake up like an emotional psychopath for almost no reason after being a pretty reasonable member of society for a few days. There have been days where I have been accepting and happy, and in an instant bounced back to being so angry that I don’t know if I want to get drunk, have angry sex, or kick a puppy.

I hovered between steps 1 and 3 for weeks, but totally skipped step 2. By the time Ariana was in the NICU I was past the anger and bargaining but firmly entrenched in the pain & guilt and depression and loneliness. Once we lost her I went right back to steps 2 & 3. Gradually we worked through, and I hit step 5 but then some days I wake up right back at step 1. The grief journey doesn’t go 1 – 7. Mine in particular was more 1, 3, 1 , 3, 1, 3, 2, 3, 4, 1 ,3, 2 ,4 ,3 ,4, 5, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 5, 6, 6, 1, 5, 4, 1 ,2,5 ,6, 7,1… and so on. Some days I still wake up so angry that we lost our baby. So angry that she died. Other days I can wake up and not even remember for a few minutes that we live in that world.

You can never leave that world. But I beg of you – live through it. Because if you try and hide this, if you try and be nice, and polite and sweet and generous and accepting all the time, when your soul is screaming and your heart is black with anger you will be pained for longer, and hurt more than you already do. You know your pain now, don’t minimise it. Grab your hurt, live in it and gradually you will start to feel it lift. Slowly. Time does not heal. But people do. You will. There will be a day, I promise, that it gets easier. I will never forget your children, as I will never forget my own. And in these moments, let us carry you – for the burden is too heavy to carry alone. We the people of the black know.

We know. I know.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Some Mothers...

Some Mothers wish for children
Conceive their children
Plan what they want for their lives
Enjoy healthy prenatal appointments
Hear and see healthy heartbeats in sonograms
Find out the sex of the baby
Take care of their pregnant bodies
Feel kicks, hiccups, and contractions
Give glorious birth to healthy babies
Find pride in their children
Work through the sleepless nights
Trudge through the "terrible twos"
Attend school plays and performances
Go to sports and dance practices
Weather the storms of parenthood
Help them with homework
Teach them about life, loss, and love
Foster morals and values
Nurse broken hearts and bruised egos
Watch them grow up
Witness proms, graduations, weddings
Welcome and cuddle grandchildren
Let their kids lead them through the challenges that come with age
Pass away with dignity and their kids by their sides
Die before their children


Some Mothers wish for children
Conceive their children
Plan what they want for their lives
Enjoy healthy prenatal appointments
Hear and see healthy heartbeats in sonograms
Find out the sex of the baby
Take care of their pregnant bodies
Feel kicks, hiccups, and contractions
Give glorious birth to healthy babies
Find pride in their children
Work through the sleepless nights
Trudge through the "terrible twos"
Attend school plays and performances
Go to sports and dance practices
Weather the storms of parenthood
Help them with homework
Teach them about life, loss, and love
Foster morals and values
Nurse broken hearts and bruised egos
Watch them grow up
Bury them due to disease, accident, suicide and the likes
Mourn their children
Live on yet
Feel empty the rest of their lives
Pass away without their kids
Get to hug them in Heaven


Some Mothers wish for children
Conceive their children
Plan what they want for their lives
Enjoy healthy prenatal appointments
Hear and see healthy heartbeats in sonograms
Find out the sex of the baby
Take care of their pregnant bodies
Feel kicks, hiccups, and contractions
Give glorious birth to healthy babies
Find pride in their children
Work through the sleepless nights

Lose them to SIDS, Cancer, other diseases or tragedies
Mourn their children
Hope that they can have another child
Live on yet
Feel empty the rest of their lives
Pass away without their kids
Get to hug them in Heaven


Some Mothers wish for children
Conceive their children
Plan what they want for their lives
Enjoy healthy prenatal appointments
Hear and see healthy heartbeats in sonograms
Find out the sex of the baby
Take care of their pregnant bodies
Feel kicks, hiccups, and contractions
Enter child birth with high hopes
Give birth to a baby with no heartbeat
Choose whether or not to hold their Angel Child

Mourn their children
Hope that they can have another child
Live on yet
Feel empty the rest of their lives
Pass away without their kids
Get to hug them in Heaven


Some Mothers wish for children
Conceive their children
Plan what they want for their lives
Have nurse rush to get the doctor when no heartbeat is found
Expel the body of their child painfully
Mourn their children
Hope that they can have another child
Live on yet
Feel empty the rest of their lives
Pass away without their kids
Get to hug them in Heaven


Some Mothers wish for children
Go to the ends of the Earth to conceive
Endure endless tests, trials, and disappointment
Maybe adopt or grieve their infertility
Watch others survive infertility
Watch others be fertile


Some Mothers merely conceive their children
Skip prenatal appointments
Do what they want to their pregnant bodies
Feel kicks, hiccups, and contractions
Give birth to healthy babies
Ignore their children
Are absent for school plays and performances
Do not attend sports and dance practices
Fight the storms of parenthood
Let them grow up on their own
Don't promote proms, graduations, weddings
Curse grandchildren, if any
Blame their children about the challenges that come with age
Pass away
Die before their children

Most Mothers celebrate Mother's Day
Some mourn them, thankfully they are the minority
To those who have conceived, given birth, watched life yet hold their children no more
They dread Mother's Day yet embrace themselves as Mothers
To those who have had trouble conceiving, they wish desperately to be able to celebrate
who cares what absent mothers think...we all would be better mothers to their children










Monday, April 9, 2012

I Will Always Love You



If I should stay,I would only be in your way.So I'll go, but I knowI'll think of you every step of the way.
And I will always love you.I will always love you.You, my darling you. Mmm.
Bittersweet memories,that is all I'm taking with me.So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.We both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I will always love you.I will always love you.

I hope life treats you kindAnd I hope you have all you've dreamed of.And I wish to you, joy and happiness.But above all this, I wish you love.
And I will always love you.I will always love you.I will always love you.I will always love you.I will always love you.I, I will always love you.You, darling, I love you.Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

Published Poem


My last poem, Into the Light, has been published by The Grief Toolbox.  I thank the group for their support of those going through grief and their support of those who write through their grief.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Into the Light



At first, grief closes our eyes,
Then it blackens the skies.
There is no light to show,
No path you know to go.


Then a small star shines bright,
A speck of warmth in the cold of night.
And on that lonely star,
Sits our loved one from afar.


Gradually, as time creeps by,
More stars join the one way up high.
Specks of light, love and hope,
Sent down to help us heal and cope.


And with each star that blazes through,
Comfort from our loved ones shine true.
Each star is a far away sun,
Encouraging this day and another one.


For even though we can not see the future yet,
And sadness resumes at every sunset.
The stars are proof that the beacon of life is there,
The days will get brighter and enough light to share.


The stars shine through our deepest blackness,
And bond together to send down happiness.
As our skies fill with those tiny lights,
We find that sunrises greet our brighter nights.


The brightest light of all shines through,
With each day that starts anew.
Though the clouds cover up the suns rays,
We know they are there in many other ways.


One day we will be called back Home,
To the place where all our angels roam.
We'll see the brightest light yet,
One that doesn't fade in any sunset.


Standing in that shimmer of pure bliss,
Are all of the loved ones that you miss.
The very ones who helped us survive
Who lit up our grief, and helped us to thrive.


We shall hold them there in the illumination,
The lack of darkness will be a celebration.
A release from the darkness we endured,
A respite sorrow that is never cured.


Basking in the beacon of our new found prize,
That's when we will realize.
That all of the darkness we experienced on Earth,
Proved us strong for what it's worth.


There may be sadness or darkness in our skies,
That's where our angel always flies.
Lighting every star and bringing up the sun,
To light up the path that leads us past the horizon.


- Sharon Chatham 4/2012





Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Dear Trey, 3 years ago today we released you to play in Heaven, free from suffering, sickness and pain.  It was the hardest decision your Daddy and I ever had to make, but it was the easiest thing for you.  We will forever miss not watching you grow up and I know you don't like us being sad, yet humans have hearts that hurt in loss, yours will never hurt again.  You are loved beyond measure and we miss you just as much!  Thank you for being our Guardian Angel and our strong son.  Kisses sweet angel son! <3