Monday, January 30, 2012

Can't stop what's coming...

"Can't stop what's coming, can't stop what is on it's way" - Tori Amos

I often turn to music as therapy, inspiration, comfort, solace, refuge, peace.  This song struck me hard tonight because it's the truth.  Angel Mommies know this truth best of all, they thought the initial indication of pregnancy would yield an entire lifetime of thriving.  After I lost Trey, I became increasingly afraid of the future.  Would I ever have another pregnancy?  If I did, would the child live?  If it did, would some tragedy take the child away from me? (I still wrestle with that one.) What would I do if I never was granted the blessing of becoming an Earthly Mother?  If I try to get pregnant again, would my womb produce another ailing child? (Still suffering that one as well.)

The truth is, Trey was coming, with all of his health problems, LONG before I ever dreamed of being a Mommy, which was since the time I was born.  Every tragedy and blessing is waiting for us in the wings it seems, no matter what we are hoping, wishing, or praying for.  I prayed that I would be pregnant with my first child and my prayers were answered, though my prayers that he would live were met with silence, and ultimately emptiness.

It seems to me that you can wish, hope, dream, and pray for anything you want, but in the terms of the classics, "You can't always get what you want, you get what you need."  I wanted BOTH of my children with such a want that cannot be defined in mere words.  I was not guaranteed either of them, nor the one I still want to complete the trio of children of my dreams.  None of us are ever guaranteed any of our hopes and dreams.

Tori's song tonight lead me to train of thought foreign to me.  What if my drive to have three children is what was supposed to be?  What if my obsession with getting pregnant after Trey's passing led me to having our daughter?  What if, by losing Trey and constantly keeping him the conversation, I might alienate those who really don't matter, but inspire those who do?  If Trey had been born and lived, would we have Lorelei?  Isn't this who I am supposed to be?

I am Trey's Mommy, a mother missing her son.  I am Lorelei's Mommy, a mother who holds her daughter dear.  I am the wife of a grieving daddy who misses the son who shares his name.  In some weird way, I wouldn't trade ANY of it for the world.  Would I want my son to be here on Earth growing up before my eyes? YES! Yet his sickness would've drained us of the dream of any future children.   Yet, MY life has brought me some hard lessons that have comforting, humbling, and peace.  The ups and downs of life keep us going.  Imagine a stagnate life.  I'm not saying one should take the loss of a child in stride, merely we should see the blessings that surrounds the happiness and tragedy in our lives.

It's easier said then done.

The truth, in all of our hopes, dreams, and prayers, is that everyday we live is a blessing, a lesson, a truth.  We live each day thinking of what we want out of life, yet sometimes what we need in life has been staring us in the face for years, awaiting our recognition.  Our heartache teaches, soothes, and eventually heals our souls, our hearts always bare the brunt, but that, in and of itself, is a life lesson.

"Jimmy, sometimes it's magic, sometimes it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way." - Jimmy Buffett

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