Monday, January 9, 2012

Back to the Future

As much as I want to live in the present with our daughter, I can't keep the better part of me in the present.  I am constantly worried about future fertility and being able to have another child.

I was blindsided with a panic attack this morning when a co-worker, who had gone through YEARS of fertility issues, announced that she was pregnant, and not because of her fertility treatments.  At first I was FILLED with happiness and warmth that the LONG road of infertility for had lead to conception FINALLY!  Then I thought about my own infertility journey coupled with the death of my first born and the breaks FLEW off the panic train and it was off full speed ahead, towards a broken bridge. 

It took us a year and a half to conceive Trey and after all of that, he never came home, never grew up.So to those who say "it will happen in God's time", I say to you, everything does, including infertility.  It is such a painful journey, actually, the word "painful" is simply a poke when compared to the correct adjective to describe what it's like to want your womb to bare a healthy baby, I don't even think they've come up with a word that can be that dark. 

Add to that, the loss of a child, or in some cases, multiple children.  The darkness is deafening, an anti-gravitational cocoon. Both together shatter any hope of a healthy pregnancy or healthy child.

Then came Lorelei after 11 months of trying with six months of fertility drugs that didn't work. The month after I stopped taking them, we conceived.  That SHOULD be a positive sign for me, a beacon of hope. (Or maybe we just got lucky.)  It lead us to a beautiful, healthy little girl and hopefully will lead us to the third child I have always wanted.

My husband isn't too sure of the concept of a third child, that's my first obstacle.  Then comes any lingering fertility issues, which increase the older I get.  And even if we do conceive, there's no guarantee that the baby will be healthy or even live.  I guess this is what defines my panic and keeps me in the past and future, not where I need to be, in the present.  I am literally living in fear the past will repeat itself in some sick way, whether stealing another life or the possibility of life.  In the mean time, my fears are sucking the life out of me.

I guess I just want my ONE BIG HAPPY, which, to think about post panic attack, is right NOW.  I am not sure why it is so hard for me to collect all my blessings and hug them tightly and watch them sparkle.  Maybe THAT should've been my New Year's Resolution.  It still could still my heart and live in the moment.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

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