Saturday, December 31, 2011

Just you wait...

For nearly six months now, I have smiled as everyone coos over our daughter, compliments her beauty, and comments on how sweet she is.  As her Mommy, I HAVE to agree.  I gush on how big she is and about her milestones.

Then comes the negative...

"Wait until she starts crawling, she'll keep you busy." "When she starts walking, you won't have it so easy."  "Take advantage of the milk only time, when she starts eating solid food, her poos won't be so pleasant." "Just you wait until she hits the terrible twos, she won't be so sweet anymore."  "You think she's big now, just you wait until she gets THIS big (pointing to their child)."  "Just you wait until she hits puberty, she'll be driving you crazy." "Oh, when they hit the age when they are boy crazy,you'll really have your hands full." "Before you know it she will off to college and married, then you'll miss these days".  "Just you wait, she won't always be this cuddly."

Now, I REALIZE that these well meaning comments are indicators of the future realities I MAY face, yet I am bothered by the comments. All of these comments refer to periods in a child's life that is relative to the parent.  We are not there yet.   I am trying to live in the "now", enjoying every coo, noise, sound, peaceful moments, watching her sleep, laughing at her antics, enjoying my daughter where she is right now.  I get it, these days won't last forever and before I know she will be grown and creating a life of her own, but I don't need to focus on it now, worry about it now, think about it now, or even hear about it now.

The only reason I can think of for people to make such comments is that they long for the days that I am experiencing now.  Maybe they didn't treasure these days or maybe they treasured them so much, they wish there were more times like those to come.  The truth is, these moments come once in a child's lifetime.  Why do they rain on my parade by sharing their own struggles?  Why negate my joy in the now, by telling me about the trials to come?  Can't I enjoy these moments that I will never have again with my daughter?  Even better, why can't they?  Why can't they celebrate her with me?

I won't be able to appreciate these memories fully if I am worried about what's to come.  Reminders of the challenges ahead not only rob me of the pride in the  joyous moments I have with my daughter but they are also aimed at stealing my focus away from the beauty of now.  Living in fear of the future will only lead to guilt and regret that I didn't appreciate these days of milestones, learning, progress, love, and cuddles.

I take pride in living in the now, relishing in my child at THIS stage in her life, and appreciating that these times are fleeting and I have to take it all in and hold it close to my heart.  I will strive to put these foreshadowing comments in the back of mind, if they go there at all.  I will continue to enjoy and value every moment of my child's life without fear of obstacles to come.   By doing this, I will be able to look back and remember fondly how I took the time to focus on my daughter during every stage of her life.

Most of all, I will strive not to negate the gushing of others about their own little ones by sharing my own "Just you wait".

Those of you who have made these comments to me or anyone else, I ain't mad atcha!!  Just exercising my free will to speak my mind just as you have done.

I know parenting challenges are eminent, until then, I will take solace in the notion that LL is thriving, growing, and happy.  She's a sweet girl, getting so big, and is the absolute prettiest baby girl I have EVER seen!!!  

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Speaks volumes...

Adrian came home again last summer
Things just haven't been the same around here
People talk
People stare
Oh, Adrian, come out and play

An unfortunate accident in a canoe
Dr. said, 'I'm sorry, not much I can do'
The air was so still
His eyes did not blink
Oh, Adrian, come out and play

Little Mary Epperson liked him
She vowed always to watch after him
Still he did not move
Dr. said it's no use
Oh, Adrian, come out and play

BRIDGE: She sat by his side, watched the years fly by
He looked so fragile, he looked so small
She wondered why he was still alive at all

Everyone in town had that 'I'm so sorry look'
They talked in a whispered hush, said
'I'd turn the machines off'
But still she sat by his side
Said, 'life he won't be denied'
Oh Adrian, come out and play

Yellow flowers decorate his bedroom
Sign above his door says Welcome Home
But he just sits and stares
He's awake but still not there
Oh, Adrian, come out and play


And little Mary Apperson grew up lovely
She still comes to visit him on Sundays
He's like an unused toy
He's got big hands but the mind of a little boy
Oh, Adrian, come out and play

Adrian came home again last summer
Things just haven't been the same around here

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Into the light

Yesterday, I did something not recommended, but I am glad I did it.  Upon changing my Facebook page to the Timeline format, I was able to view posts from the Trey's birth and passing.  Before I knew it, my face was soaking wet from tears, not about Trey, but from the messages of love and condolences received from all who loved us and even some distant but new friends drawn in by the story of our little boy.

I was reminded of how dark that time was in our lives.  Our lives were in full colorful loving light when we found out we were pregnant with Trey and throughout most of the pregnancy our hearts were bathed in that light which slowly started to dim as we heard more and more issues with our son arise.  The lights fell to half mast when he was born and placed on my bosom not breathing.  In the looming darkness we prayed, begged, waited, hoped, wished, and held each other while the little light of our son tried not to go out.  On April 4th, 2009, our world went black as we said good-bye to the little boy made from love, living solely through love, and being set free by love.  The only light left was a single tinkling star shining down from Heaven down to us that was Trey, a sorrow filled pair of parents holding a wavering flickering candle between us.

As the days and weeks past, the flicker of light from friends and family dimly shown around us.  It seemed like it should have been brighter as we discovered the plethora of people who truly loved us, yet the love that we felt for our son produced still such an overwhelming darkness.  As months passed, more stars appeared in the sky, twinkling lights created by the people and things that Trey's heart had touched.

A year, then two found us with a sky full of stars and a new dawn peeking through, the pregnancy of our daughter.  The sky was still not fully lit, but it brightened with the dark purples and reds that the rising sun brings.  Our healthy little girl shown so much light on our world, but like our very own planet, we know that there is another side to our world that still lay in darkness and we revel in our thriving second child, we know there will still be times of darkness as we long to have watched our son thrive the was she does and be a big brother to her here on Earth.

It is now, that I think of the "the light" that people claim to see when the have a near death experience.  I am convinced that the light is merely the light of love collected over a lifetime, love lost, love given unconditionally, love hidden.  This light of love is showered on a person upon entering Heaven as a reward for a life well lived and well loved.

Grieving can be dark, but I am learning that there is great love in grief, which in itself is solely the price of loving, which is true beauty.  Yet grief can also be light, when the griever is stuck in the darkness, the loving light of others, including the one they grieve for, can brighten their world.

I look forward to a life well lived and loved so that the years will bring much more light into my life.  I will freely and unconditionally give love to all who love me and even those who need to be shown such a love.  Loving my two children, my husband, my family, my friends, yes, even my enemies hopefully will replenish the darkness that living without my son causes.  I long to return to the light of life and love that we had before our son came to us and left us so sudden.  Already, the days, weeks, and months are brighter.  Many, many, many years from now, I hope to enter Heaven feeling the lifetime of loving light from the son we gave to Heaven so lovingly almost three years ago.

Until then, I can only hope that Trey is collecting the unconditional love I give, the love I feel I lose, and the love I hide and that he will shower that love on me when I meet him in Heaven.  I hope to be blinded by the light of love. 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

She's onto us...

So the last month has brought the end of breastfeeding and the beginning of LL's holiday season.  After months of frustration about my supply, I gave in to my need for sanity.  I watched my supply never wane but her appetite grow and grow.  The appetite she gained from her father could not keep up with my supply, which, incidentally comes from an abundance of breast which some might assume a breast milk supply is equally abundant, NOT SO!!! The extreme Mommy's guilt has been thwarted by repeated attempts by my friends and family to assure me I gave her the best of my breast milk in the early months.

Also over the last month she has delved into the world of veggies and fruits.  No more are the days of nasty cereal alone.  The more solid food she gets the more she responds the spoon being "airplane" driven towards her mouth. She loves pickles, she'll suck the color out of them really, whether it's the cold soothing her gums or the new interesting taste, the fact that she loves pickles brings phallic comments from some, but brings nothing but adoration from those who are close to her. 

She has also started "sleeping through the night" more regularly, I put quotation marks around it because the minute I declare it she will wake up  three times a night, but if I disguise it with quotation marks, she won't be able to detect then defect it. I have also dabbled in simply laying her down in her crib to take naps instead of rocking her to sleep and hovering over her to make sure she stays asleep.  She has surprised me by playing a little, crying a little, then crashing out.

She's full of giggles and new noises while she attempts to roll over and put her feet in her mouth.  She enjoys working in her "office" (excersaucer) and insists on be held sitting up.  She knows just how to make us laugh and smile and how to get her way.  Yep, I'd say she's onto us!!

And I am enjoying every minute!!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

We fell in love...


Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive
Because the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Shine a light through an open door
Love and life I will divide
Turn away cause I need you more
Feel the heartbeat in my mind
Because the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Yellow diamonds in the light
And we're standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine
What it takes to come alive
I because the way I'm feeling I just can't deny
But I gotta let it go

We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place
We found love in a hopeless place

Thursday, December 8, 2011

+ 1

Dear Angel Steps blog readers,

At the bottom of all of my blog entries is a +1 button, please press it if you find that my blog is helpful, enjoyable, or by any means favorable.  The more +1 buttons I get, the more popular my blog and the more mothers of angels see it.  Thank you in advance for spreading the word!!!  

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Don't Give Up

in this proud land we grew up strong
we were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose

don't give up
'cos you have friends
don't give up
you're not beaten yet
don't give up
I know you can make it good

though I saw it all around
never thought I could be affected
thought that we'd be the last to go
it is so strange the way things turn

drove the night toward my home
the place that I was born, on the lakeside
as daylight broke, I saw the earth
the trees had burned down to the ground

don't give up
you still have us
don't give up
we don't need much of anything
don't give up
'cause somewhere there's a place
where we belong

rest your head
you worry too much
it's going to be alright
when times get rough
you can fall back on us
don't give up
please don't give up

'got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
going to stand on that bridge
keep my eyes down below
whatever may come
and whatever may go
that river's flowing
that river's flowing

moved on to another town
tried hard to settle down
for every job, so many men
so many men no-one needs

don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong

Thank you to my cousin who passed on this song by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush...