Monday, November 28, 2011

So This Is Christmas....

Last year at this time, I had everything to feel hopeful for, with our Rainbow Baby in my belly and our Angel Baby in my heart.  My entire being was beaming in the anticipation of our beautiful blessing I was carrying and the pride I felt that our son has picked her out and sent her down to us.  Now, as she stares at blinking lights with wonder, and dons cute holiday outfits and beautiful Christmas dresses and giggles at our attempts to sing Christmas carols, an emptiness continues to dig at me, one she has no idea exists, at least I hope she can't read it in my eyes.  Her eyes twinkle with the lights of the season and the wonders that exist in her life right now, holiday season or not.  Everyday is a celebration with her, but this holiday season is extra special for our family now that she's in it.  Yet why do I still feel like every Christmas since my son has been gone finds me with the symbolic coal that naughty children are supposed to receive.  Trey's absence is like a bag of coal in my stocking every year.  Will I ever feel different?  How could I?  One of my children is missing from the festivities.  Even worse, does my precious daughter sense my pain, my sorrow? Will she understand?  What am I stealing from her, because of my grief, that she rightly deserves? Will she ever forgive me? Will Trey? Will I?

I long for the "happy" to be put back in our Holidays...

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