Monday, November 21, 2011

What Do They See

I spend so much time swimming in my own head and drowning in my own heart, but I have often wondered what others see.


Do they see a happier couple raising their daughter?  Or do they look at three of us and remember there should be four? Do they imagine a little boy running around? Does anyone see the void in the family picture? Do believe our family is whole?


I bet their hearts warm at the blessing that is our little girl. But do they quickly remember the little boy that also blessed our lives? Do they worry about something happening to our daughter too? Do they cringe at that thought and what would happen to us in that sad event? Are they sad that LL will never know her big brother in the flesh?  Do they marvel at what a good big brother he would have been?  Do they pour over our children's pictures searching for similarities? Do they wish they could've seen Trey's sweet face as they look upon our daughter's? Is there a longing to have been able to hold our first born as they hold our second born? Do they thank whatever higher being they recognize that this one is healthy? Do they think that now that we have her, we can move on?


No doubt that they see a couple who has been through hell finally get the healthy baby they have always dreamed of.  But do they see a husband and a wife struggling with their new parental roles when the second time around should prove them a little more experienced? Do they see the evolved grief that comes with having a rainbow baby?  Do they see how hard it is to express an evolved grief that involves a blessing in the midst of a nightmare?  Do they think she will bring us closer the way he did? Do they think we are less sad now that we have her? Do they think she makes it all better?


I am sure they see our smiles and hear our laughter. Yet do they see the tears waiting to pour out? Do they hear the song lyrics they way we do now? Do our faces show the stress of trying to hold ourselves up for our little girl and each other?  Do they see the toll that holding our chins up has taken? Do they see the pride we feel for our little girl and feel the longing we feel to be with our son as well? Are they glad they're not us? Will we forever be known as the couple who lost a baby?  Will they ever look at us without thinking of Trey? Do they still hurt for us? Do they wish we would just move on? Do they secretly hope he never comes up in conversation? Do they realize that we hope he comes up in conversation sometimes just so we know he hasn't been forgotten? Have they forgotten him? Will they?


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1 comment:

  1. I often wonder these same things. Although my girls were 18 months old when my son passed away, I still wonder if people continue to see that something is missing from our life....

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