Sunday, November 13, 2011

Confession

I want one more, one more child.  I have always wanted two boys and a girl and at this point I am 2/3 there.  I am conflicted in believing that I am entitled to have one more after all we've been through, yet I know none of us are ever entitled to anything in this life, no matter what we've been through.  I also know that just because it's in YOUR plan doesn't mean it's in THE plan, whether one believes in God's plan, nature's plan, karma, or fate.  And even when you get what you want, it's not always in the pretty package that you wanted. I know this all too well.  I wanted Trey, but my want wasn't enough to save him.  My head knows now that I was never meant to have my son here on earth for a lifetime, my heart has a harder time accepting it.  My heart has been in love with my children since I dreamt them up and placed them in my plan, all three of them.  I've had my heart broken, shattered really, by the reality of my first born.  Now, with my rainbow baby I get to realize how shattered my heart actually is.  She's amazing and doing beyond amazing things and I enjoy them all. I am really trying to steer myself away from getting caught in wondering how all of these amazing milestones would have played out with Trey, but I find it just as impossible as thinking about my living child without thinking of BOTH of my children.  I am the mother to two children, some wouldn't recognize that about me, it sounds strange saying it to myself, cause it's not what I see when I look at our family photos, three smiles, but where is the fourth heart.


Loving our daughter is the antithesis of loving our son, the love for both if them is more grandiose than I can express but loving my daughter doesn't hurt.   Now I can only hope as we smile, giggle, cuddle, coo, sing, babble, soothe, and love our way through each day with her that this is not the end of the line for us in the kid department.  I am officially addicted to loving my children in their own special yet equal ways. I want one more shot at this Earthly motherhood thing, I want the third child I have always dreamt I would have. I talk to Trey all the time about it.  I hope that as soon as he sent his little sister down to bless our lives that he went on a hunt for a little boy who would complete our family. For our daughter to have a sibling would mean so much, someone to go through life with, my heart wants her to be able to call him brother.


I will be beyond grateful to have another child, daughter OR son.  One might think I only want a boy so I can have the experiences I missed with our son, and that would be selfish, just to have a child to fulfill a void.  But I want a second boy to fulfill the dream I have had since childhood, before I married my best friend, before we spent our fourth wedding anniversary talking about our son's quality of life, or lack thereof, and how our love had to set him free, to go to heaven and not suffer anymore.  A third child will not make me or my life complete, nothing will, without Trey there will always be a void.  A third child would complete my dream, I would be able to beam about the three children I always wanted, a small concession for the sacrifice made for the love of our first born son. 

So I will keep hoping that Trey has a little one standing beside him in Heaven, waiting for the right time to send him...or her down just as our daughter waited with him until her time came.  I might not be entitled to my dreams, but I AM entitled to dream.


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1 comment:

  1. here is to hoping both of our dreams will come true... : )

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