Thursday, October 27, 2011

Lately...

Since the birth of our Rainbow Baby, I have fallen into a new grief, a new mourning, a new sadness over the loss of our first born.  I have fallen heart first...so hard that I can't find the words nor the time to write, the latter being somewhat of a blessing, because when I am with my Rainbow Baby, the sadness has a hard time creeping in...it's in my alone time, whether in the car, the shower, while she's napping and I am rushing around trying to get ANYTHING done in the house, and sleeping, that the sorrow rears it's ugly head, and those are the times my mind is trying to focus on those activities so the expression of my sadness takes a back seat.  It's definitely a new world and I hope to he able to get time write it out of my system.  In the mean time, I heard the song below this morning and the tears made their way from my heart to my eyes.  Literally, it doesn't mean much to me, but in a figurative sense, it represents this new grief I am traveling through, a life that goes on, while his passing stands still...I have changed the color of the words and phrases to blue that catch my tears every time I hear them...

 Round Here by Counting Crows

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you, angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right

Well, I walk in the air between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know

Maria says she's dying
Through the door, I hear her crying
Why? I don't know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus

She parks her car outside of my house and
Takes her clothes off, says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous

Round here we're carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions but we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she's slipping though my hands
sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream
Mama's little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning

She says, "It's only in my head"
She says, "Shh, I know it's only in my head"

But the girl on the car in the parking lot
Says, "Man, you should try to take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"

Then she looks up at the building
And says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something

Round here she's always on my mind
Round here, hey man, got lots of time
Round here we're never sent to bed early and nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late

I, I can't see nothing, nothing round here
You catch me if I'm falling, you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me? 'Cause I'm falling down on you

I said I'm under the gun round here
Oh man, I said I'm under the gun round here
Well I can't see nothing, nothing round here

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Bittersweet


She smiles,
she coos,
she sings,
she takes everything in,
she holds me just as tight and snuggly as I hold her,
she wiggles,
she giggles,
she grows,
she sighs,
she makes bubbles,
she enjoys,
she finds wonder,
she holds my hand,
she listens,
she learns,
she exudes a sense of humor,
she loves,
she knows,
she chills,
she snoozes,
she lives...

I missed ALL of that with him...

Friday, October 14, 2011

I NEED to blog...

...just having trouble focusing, thinking, finding time, staying awake...but I NEED to expel...there's lot's going through my mind but more going through my heart and soul...now if I could reign it in...but preferably let it out...

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Baby Loss Awareness Month

Thought this is the third Baby Loss Awareness Month I have been through, this one seems to be the hardest...