Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Mommy I Didn't Want To Be

Well, I've done, it I got called out by a friend for "stating" the obvious gripes of parenting a newborn. Well, he didn't really call me out, whether he reminded me how much we prayed for our baby and wanted her for the longest time and now I was "mentioning" sleepless nights, crying, and colic.  And when I thought back on it, for the last two weeks, a larger percentage than I care to admit of my conversation with friends and family who visit or inquire on how we're doing has centered around the challenges of caring for a newborn.

In the past I have understood that parents "complaining" of the trials and tribulations of new parenthood were simply venting the way other people vent about other life challenges yet secretly I would vow to cherish the challenges and embrace them as a gift never uttering a complaint.   I would much prefer the sleepless nights and endless crying as opposed to grieving the loss of the child.  I even reassured another Angel Mommy blogger that her statements surrounding new Mommyhood were simply human nature.

Yet I know the guilt she still felt "griping" when so many other Angel Mommies are still waiting for their Rainbow Babies and still other parents are still having trouble conceiving their first miracle baby.   I should have been a Catholic, with what I hear so many people joke about their guilt complexes.  Now I am one of those Mommies that "complains" about parenthood, even though I said I wouldn't be.

Forgiving myself isn't that easy, as I know these moments in my life are just moments, not my life.  She is going to grow and learn so fast, so fast that these days and nights I labor so hard over will melt away and before I know it she will be grown up and having her own kids and I will be comforting her through these trying days of new parenthood.

So I have been trying a new attitude, one that includes the concept and belief that I am learning right along with her.  Knowing that she does't want to get up in the middle of the night one or two times or want to scream at me until she's red in the face...and then keep going...she's learning how to live with me just as I am learning how to live with her.  We've learned so much already and we'll keep learning.  It's easier than learning how to learn without Trey, and learning to live without BOTH of my children would kill me.

So my apologies to my loved ones and to my daughter if it sounded like I was "complaining", but I am going to beat myself up with a feather and not a bat and not apologize for being human.  SIGH!!

1 comment:

  1. It is unfortunate that your first experience as a mother did not go as planned. We all felt it. So for you to vent about your new life is nothing less than what would be expected, coming from a new mother. Just as with Trey, there were sleepless nights, exhaustion, and days filled with the unknown thoughts. I would expect nothing less from any mother with a new baby. You are an inspiration to me, and to many women and families across the globe. We find a piece of ourselves in your thoughts and can connect with you. Don't be so hard on yourself, we don't expect you to do anything or say anything or be anything more or less than who you are, a woman filled with love and strength!

    Like you said before, you are both learning to live with each other. Lorelei is learning how to live and about her surroundings. You are a mother to a healthy, beautiful baby girl, an experience you have not had before and are learning about. Don't worry about a thing, you are a great mom. Have been and always will be. And if you ever need to vent, you've got my number. I will pass no judgement, but will offer any and all assistance I can. :) XOXO