Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Mommy I Didn't Want To Be

Well, I've done, it I got called out by a friend for "stating" the obvious gripes of parenting a newborn. Well, he didn't really call me out, whether he reminded me how much we prayed for our baby and wanted her for the longest time and now I was "mentioning" sleepless nights, crying, and colic.  And when I thought back on it, for the last two weeks, a larger percentage than I care to admit of my conversation with friends and family who visit or inquire on how we're doing has centered around the challenges of caring for a newborn.

In the past I have understood that parents "complaining" of the trials and tribulations of new parenthood were simply venting the way other people vent about other life challenges yet secretly I would vow to cherish the challenges and embrace them as a gift never uttering a complaint.   I would much prefer the sleepless nights and endless crying as opposed to grieving the loss of the child.  I even reassured another Angel Mommy blogger that her statements surrounding new Mommyhood were simply human nature.

Yet I know the guilt she still felt "griping" when so many other Angel Mommies are still waiting for their Rainbow Babies and still other parents are still having trouble conceiving their first miracle baby.   I should have been a Catholic, with what I hear so many people joke about their guilt complexes.  Now I am one of those Mommies that "complains" about parenthood, even though I said I wouldn't be.

Forgiving myself isn't that easy, as I know these moments in my life are just moments, not my life.  She is going to grow and learn so fast, so fast that these days and nights I labor so hard over will melt away and before I know it she will be grown up and having her own kids and I will be comforting her through these trying days of new parenthood.

So I have been trying a new attitude, one that includes the concept and belief that I am learning right along with her.  Knowing that she does't want to get up in the middle of the night one or two times or want to scream at me until she's red in the face...and then keep going...she's learning how to live with me just as I am learning how to live with her.  We've learned so much already and we'll keep learning.  It's easier than learning how to learn without Trey, and learning to live without BOTH of my children would kill me.

So my apologies to my loved ones and to my daughter if it sounded like I was "complaining", but I am going to beat myself up with a feather and not a bat and not apologize for being human.  SIGH!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Two Weeks...

Tomorrow, Lorelei will be two weeks old, one day older than her brother ever had a chance to live.  I thought that I would never lose as much sleep as I did in the 13 days that Trey was with us, yet I was wrong.  It's not the normal newborn woes that keep me awake at night and keep me from napping when she naps, it's the fear and the disbelief.  The fear that she will be taken from me too and the disbelief that she is here, healthy...thriving.  The hubby and I often just stare at her, specifically her face and more specifically her chest to watch it rising and falling as she sleeps.

Over the last two weeks I have wanted to write, yet the words and phrases are nowhere to be found.  I wish this beauty and bliss on EVERYONE, especially Angel Parents and those who struggle with fertility.  It's hard to describe what I am feeling and seeing everyday, yet it's painted in my heart and on the faces of everyone around us as they gaze upon her.  She is a work of art and work of heart, sent from Heaven, picked out by Trey.

So for now, I'll just share images that have been captured that have touched the heart of this Mommy of two babies, one in Heaven we were blessed to hold for 13 days and one we're blessed to have hopefully forever!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Groovy Kind of Love

Groovy Kind of Love by Phil Collins

When I'm feeling blue
All I have to do
Is take a look at you
Then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me
I can feel you heart beat
I can hear you breathing
In my ear
Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love

Any time you want to
You can turn me on to
Anything you want to
Any time at all
When I kiss your lips
Ooh, I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love


When I'm feeling blue
All I have to do
Is take a look at you
Then I'm not so blue
When I'm in your arms
Nothing seems to matter
My whole world can shatter
I don't care
Wouldn't you agree?
Baby, you and me got a groovy kind of love

We got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love
Ooh, ooh
We got a groovy kind of love

Friday, July 8, 2011


We are pleased to announce that our daughter Lorelei Byrd Chatham was born July 7, 2011 at 8:30 PM.  She is perfectly healthy, weighing in at 7 lbs 11.6 oz and measuring 20 inches long.  We are feeling blessed, tired, in love, overwhelmed, lucky, excited, and anxious to get to know our little girl!  We just know that Trey is dancing on his little cloud, excited about his little sister's arrival!  Here are some of our favorite pictures and moments with Lorelei so far...


Wondering about her new world

Mommy and Me

Daddy's Kisses

Sleeping Beauty

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dear Lorelei

Dear Lorelei,
I lay here in the hospital unable to find sleep as I am way too excited about bringing you into the world in a short time. It's like Christmas Eve, only we know what present will be.  Who knew when we woke up Wednesday morning that we would leave the house only to return with you, our daughter in a few days. I lay here needing my rest even as you sleep in my tummy, our last night of being together in one body. I will miss our time together.  Your brother's picture is on the shelf, daddy and I just had to have him here with us.  I look at his precious picture and hope you favor him, as he is so beautiful.  I keep asking him for strength, courage, and love, him being the epitomy of strength, courage, and love.  We are so ready to see you and hold you in our arms. You seem to be excited too, you've been very active in mommy's tummy ever since we got here, slowing down only recently.  Your family and friends are over the moon at your pending arrival, anxious for the latest news but that will wait a little while, it's time for rest.  It's after one in the morning now and I can only hope to fall into a deep sleep, dreaming of our big day Lady Byrd.  Like Dr.  Seuss says "Today is your day".  Sleep peacefully my princess, we have a big day ahead of us.  Give mommy and daddy a BIG scream when you come out. We've waited a long time to hear you sing.  Until then ma petite chou chou, bonne nuit et je t'aime., my little baby, good night and I love you!
Love always,

Saturday, July 2, 2011

New Wives Tales

eat eggplant parmesan at Scalini's (or your local authentic Italian restaurant)
have sex
do jumping jacks
take a warm bath
get a foot massage
eat spicy foods

prepare and eat an whole box of store brand mac and cheese mixed with garlic
change your Facebook profile picture
read by the pool
eat half a cantaloupe
drink a diet orange soda

drink diet orange soda
rock out to Billy Idol's greatest hits
eat a Thomas's bagel with Philly cream cheese
practice your labor breathing by timing them to the grunts in a Wimbleton tennis match


Well, here we are, at "the end", our due date, yet it does not seem to be the end of this pregnancy for us yet.  I know that due dates offer no promise of a timely baby, yet I was hoping to be holding our daughter at this point or at least have some indication of progress, but alas, we are still in a holding pattern.  I am incredibly grateful that this pregnancy has healthily reached term and continues in success to the due date, yet I am hoping that Lorelei has no ideas of trying to make up for the time her brother missed being born 6 weeks early.

The last week and a half has been excruciating for me, yet not in the normal pregnancy sense.  I am blessed not to be swollen, achy in the back, or affected too much by the heat of early summer.  Yet, without too much TMI, a certain backdoor issue kept my from following my doctor's orders and my preferred leisure of lounging around with my feet up.  It's been well over a week since sufficient sleep, rest, comfort, and a pain-free existence.  And as anyone who has been in pain for any period of time, the more time that passes, the more it wears on a person.   It's especially frustrating to try to alleviate the problem in every possible way offered to no avail.  So each and everyday we wait for our daughter to make her grand entrance promises pain and discomfort.

Add to that the desperation that my husband and I feel to hold a healthy baby in our arms after so much heart ache in the past.  We yearn for the happiness and peace that comes with arrival, to break our cycle of heartache.  It's might seem wrong to put all of that responsibility on one little baby, yet it's our reality.  Losing our son stole pieces of us we will never be able to recover.  Lorelei has let the sunshine back into our world and though she will never replace her brother, his life, or his memory, her birth and her life symbolize the love and family that my husband and I always wanted in our home.  Even now, I find it hard to explain how essential her healthy birth is to our hearts and souls.  Admittedly, we still fear ANY time between now and having her in this world, when we will have proof of her healthy birth.  My husband is dedicated to being by my side through everything, even nervous about going to work, for fear of my being alone when going into labor or that he will miss anything involving the birth of our little girl.  He spends a lot of time trying to help me be comfortable and helping to keep my spirits up.  So together we wait, on edge, and OVER ready for her to be here.

At our doctor's appointment on Tuesday, we were told that at our next appointment (this Wednesday) options will be discussed, specifically induction.  My lack of rest and extreme discomfort are our only advocates right now for medical intervention, otherwise, we'll still be playing the waiting game. Until then, we try to keep ourselves busy yet comfortable, answering daily messages asking for updates, and entertaining predictions from family and friends.  Sometimes leaving the house can prove difficult, as we are constantly confronted with questions we don't have answers for and comments from well wishers.  "Yes, we're still pregnant.  No, we STILL have not had this baby.  No, we have no idea when she will be here.  We are so sorry to hear that your child was two weeks late.  Yes, we've already tried that.  Yes, we know she'll come out when she's ready."  And so on.  We created a baby pool in which people can predict when they think Lorelei will be born while donating money to the CHARGE Foundation.  I must admit, I cringe when I view predictions any later than today!  It's hard to imagine having to wait and endure anymore discomfort until the Fourth of July (a popular prediction) or even next week when everyday is torture enough as it is.  It just reminds me of how much we will have to deal with physically, mentally, and emotionally until then. We've already explored the many old wive's tales of how to get labor going yet Lorelei seems to be on her own schedule and doing her own thing, a sure sign of the young lady she will become.  We keep talking to her, trying to convince her or all of the perks of living in "the outside", we've even taken to asking Trey to do his own version of convincing.

We know that with each minute, hour, and day that passes, no matter how uncomfortable and unsettling, we are getting that much closer to giving birth and meeting our beautiful little girl!  But, as with anything worth the wait, the waiting is always the hardest part.  Everything we have been through during this pregnancy will be well worth it when she arrives  healthy and happy.  We keep reminding ourselves of the blessing of this healthy pregnancy and baby and the elation that her birth will bring.  More time in the womb also bring with it growth and strength for the baby.   We long for the peace and happiness of holding our daughter, but until then we hope the waiting game is gentle on us.