Two years ago if you would have told me that my son was at peace in heaven, I would've been fuming with anger and despair at the thought. The truth is, at that time, I KNEW my son was in Heaven, but I didn't like it and refused to see it as a good thing, other than for the reason that he was not sick anymore. Well wishers around me thought I should be grateful that he was in Heaven but in my mind he should NOT have been there. He should NOT have been so sick that he had to leave this Earth. We should NOT have been given a sick baby that needed to go to Heaven in order to live healthily.
Floating through all the stages of grief, the LAST thing I wanted to envision was the peaceful life that Heaven had to offer my son. It didn't seem that certain people understood that just because they were comforted by the fact that Trey was in the arms of Jesus, it was of NO comfort to me, my arms were empty. Others also found comfort in the fact that at some point, I would hold my baby again when I went to Heaven, as if that was supposed to fill the hole that was ripped into me when Trey died, as if the fact that I would be with my son again would replace a lifetime of memories I would never have with him. I couldn't even lift my eyes toward Heaven without tears as I spoke to my son or anger as I thought about God's "wonderful" plan for us. The truth is, Heaven was wonderful for my son but Hell for us left to live on without him.
As time has passed, the visions of my son's existence have become clearer and more beautiful to me. There are still so many negative emotions of the hows and whys of him getting there and the life we have been left to lead without him. Time and patience has allowed me to imagine how holidays must be for our Angel Babies in Heaven, how relationships with loved ones are carried out, how loved ones are received into Heaven, and how he continues to participate in our family and our lives from his Heavenly home. I find myself talking out loud to Trey, asking him to welcome those I know and love who have passed, thanking him for sending me strength when I needed it, and telling him to be with loved ones in their time of need. From the start of this pregnancy, I have imagined his excitement at every milestone, every bit of good news, and every joy his daddy and I have experienced. I can just imagine him skipping around Heaven with his mommy's hyperness and his daddy's pride the day we found out Lorelei was a girl. John and I have it in our hearts that Trey picked out Lorelei ESPECIALLY for us, waiting until the perfect soul came along to send down as his sister. This thought gives us great peace and pride in our son.
As these beautiful visions come and go, my Heavenly visions of him show him at his real time age. When he would have been a baby, that's how I saw him in my visions of Heaven. Presently, my visions of Heaven show him as an active two year old who is into everything and full of love for everyone, just the way I imagined he would be if he were with us today. Parents with living children get to imagine how their kids lives will turn out and what beautiful things they will accomplish and experience in their lives. I will be able to do that with Lorelei, but with Trey, I will only have these Heavenly visions. My expectations for my son have already been disappointed because he has left us, BUT the silver lining is that I will never EVER experience disappointment in his Heavenly life which can be nothing but beautiful, perfect, and peaceful from now until forever. Some parents are disappointed or surprised at the course their child's life takes, but for me, the disappointment is behind me, only pride lies ahead for my Heavenly son.
Though time has given me much peace and many beautiful visions of my child's Heavenly existence, for this lifetime Heaven will be like the land of Oz, a place I can only go to in my dreams and in my heart. I can only hope to live a long, healthy life with my loved ones here as was intended and earn my way into Trey's welcoming arms when my time comes. Then he can give me his personal tour of Heaven which will look EXACTLY like the Heavenly visions he has sent down to me.