Monday, April 25, 2011

Empty Basket

Yesterday was Easter and I had know idea the freight train of emotions were coming along with it.  The day started out with beautiful weather and high spirits on my part.  I began to think that this would have been Trey's first year as an egg hunter and an Easter Basket recipient.  That in itself was a little sad but it wasn't until I started seeing the pictures of children, Easter Egg hunts, and Easter baskets that parents were posting that it REALLY hit me.  In all of the pictures, everyone was smiling, the kids were having a blast, and everyone looked so wonderful in all of their Spring dress clothes.  There were pictures of children with Easter Bunnies and children holding up eggs excitedly as they released them from their hiding places.  I saw children dipping eggs into dye and sprinkling glitter all over hard boiled eggs, usually making a HUGE mess, which is often the best part.

I have always been aware of the infinitely long list of things I would never get to do with my son, but it takes special occasions like this to create the proof in the pudding.  This is the year my husband and I should have been hiding Easter Eggs while the Trey snoozed early in the morning or spent the evening crafting his Easter Basket.  I could just see him in khaki shorts, a button up, and his nicest shoes raring to race out to look for the colored treasures hidden in the yard.  But, that's all I have, visions of what could have been, what SHOULD have been..

I found myself wondering, while other parents fill their child's Easter baskets, Christmas stockings, Trick-Or-Treat bags, Birthday presents, and Valentine's envelopes, what do parents like me fill?  All of he aforementioned totes carry tokens of love, affection, and care.  I too have all of those items, yet I have nothing to fill it with.  I can't fill it with memories, there are very few to even begin to fill their carrier.  Why fill it with toys and gifts that he will never receive?  The joy I would normally give to these special occasions is overshadowed by the fact that I cannot and never will share them with Trey.  Someone said to me that SURELY he will celebrate all of these special occasions in Heaven with his friends and loved ones, but where does that leave me?  While he is in the paradise we call Heaven, I watch as children squeal with delight as they experience these traditions with their loved ones here on Earth.   I get to watch other parents get to experience everything I SO looked forward to experiencing with him, yet I get to watch it from the sidelines, like getting called last in sports, everyone else gets to have the fun and joy long before you, even though you KNOW you deserve it just as much.

So here I am with my empty "basket".  I know I will get to experience all of these wonderful things with our daughter when she is old enough, that will NEVER make it ok that I will never get to experience these wonderful things with Trey.  I have lots to look forward to, but in his basket, his stocking, his Trick-Or-Treat bag, his Birthday present, and his Valentine's Day envelope, there will always be a void.  I know that in the future as I am sharing these experiences with Lorelei, there will always be someone missing, an older little boy running beside her, helping her find the eggs, reaching up tall to grab her stocking for her, teaching her how to say Trick-Or-Treat, helping her blow out the candles, or drawing his own Valentine just for her.  The saddest thing is that she will never know the fulfillment that comes from having her big brother on Earth, to love her and look after her the way I did.

On the other hand, one could argue that having a Guardian Angel as a brother is the next best thing.

1 comment: