Wednesday, March 2, 2011

When God closes a door

Lately I have felt like I am starting to worry more about what other parents-to-be worry about, except that I am already a parent, never really got to finish out the pregnancy last time and get everything totally ready for Trey arrived.   Now that we have been assured that our little girl's heart is looking good and she is growing steadily, I have found faith a little easier to find and hope ever more present.   They're both still very shaky, but at least they are there.  

Now I am busying myself trying to get ready for little Lorelei's arrival and her life with us.  This past weekend one of my best friends who had a baby last Spring came over to help me sort through the baby stuff we have.  My plan was to put the little boy stuff away and make a list of things that we need.  This task was a little more emotional than I had anticipated.  Here is my ever present WONDERFUL friend spending her time helping me get ready for our daughter's arrival when it should have been me preparing her for her daughter.  I hold a lot of guilt for not being there for her while she was pregnant and in the throws of motherhood the way she was for me.  When she was pregnant, my husband and I were living a nightmare and as happy as we were for them, we didn't make enough effort to reach out to them the way they reached out for us during Trey's pregnancy.  Now here she was, with her precious little girl, whom my husband and I call The Bug, helping me get organized for our second baby.  I was so thankful to have her there and she was such a good help to me, giving me tips on what to get extra of and what to look out for.  Yet, I couldn't help thinking that this is not the way things should have been.  She even mentioned it once, how sad it can be for her to talk about what to expect when I should be telling her what to look forward to as a parent.  It would be worse however, if Trey would have lived, extremely handicapped, a lower quality of life...she would be telling me things that her daughter was doing that Trey may never have been able to do on his own.  That would be more heartbreaking, so I am thankful to have it this way, even if it's not the way it should have been.

Well, the little boy clothes and linens are still in the room, not sure what's keeping me from putting them away, maybe it's because of what putting those things away mean.  We already packed away Trey's things in his special trunk, an emotional task, but now the trunk with all of his personal special things has a special place in our closet.  Putting the rest of the little boy clothes and linens marks an end to our dream of raising our son, but opens the door for our daughter to be a part of the family.  I want to put them away in our house, for possible use for the next child, if it is a boy.    You can tell how much that boy was loved, I didn't register for many baby boy clothes, yet we received so many clothes and blankets that they don't fit in two of the BIGGEST Tupperware containers you have ever seen.  We have two HUGE plastic containers of clothing and shoes and I haven't even packed away the stuff that is hung up in the closet.  We already set aside the gender neutral stuff for use with this baby, which is not NEARLY as much as we have for a boy.

Now that I am worrying more about what "normal" parents worry about, I am realizing how much more there is to do and get.  I set up two registries, one for local loved ones and one for my national and global loved ones, once again something I did not expect to be doing the second time around, but with two showers already planned in honor of our little Lorelei, it's a good opportunity to make sure we get what we need.  Other than the baby stuff we need, there are budgets to plan, childcare to find, a new family friendly car to buy, college accounts to set up, and oh so much more.   These things can be so stressful for other parents, they are a welcomed distraction to me.  I feel better being busy with to do lists than worrying about the "what ifs" and fearing the worst.  

I feel truly blessed to given a second chance at motherhood, it's been a lot tougher than I ever anticipated, but it's here and I am embracing it.  There are so many things to look forward to, so many memories to be made.  I am striving everyday to stay in the positive and cherish every kick and flutter I feel, every milestone this pregnancy presents.  For the most part, "the murk" stays in the shadows waiting for a weak moment, there hopefully won't be as many of those in the future.  

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