Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Sunshine and rain

There are so many rays of sunshine beaming through my life and the lives of other Angel families I know.  My husband and I were comparing notes from the last pregnancy and this one.  At this point in my last pregnancy, we had never seen the four chambers of Trey's heart even though we were told his heartbeat was strong.  The doctors and techs kept saying that they couldn't get a good picture due to the baby moving or whatever and that they would get a better picture at the next ultrasound.   All of Lorelei's ultrasounds have revealed not only a strong heartbeat, but the four chambers of the heart working away in her little body.  When comparing baby profiles in ultrasounds, we found that Lorelei's nose is a lot perkier than Trey's, whose nasal profile was flatter due to CHARGE Syndrome.  We were also pleased to see both of Lorelei's ears sticking out of her head, while Trey's were low set and one was malformed.  The lack of CHARGE symptoms give us much needed peace this pregnancy.  The lack of noticing the CHARGE symptoms and putting the pieces together led to ignorance bliss followed swiftly by earth shattering heartache.  We are paying so much more attention to EVERY detail this time around which might drive our nerves to the brink, but up to this point our attention to detail has brought us more comfort than we were afforded last time.

With all my personal sunshine beaming through, Rainbow Babies are being conceived and born healthy and thriving all around me.  It makes my heart glow to hear news of healthy births and OB check-ups from my friends with Angel Babies.  It also affirms that our dreams of having a family didn't die with our son.  I have watched as my Angel Mommy friends hear reassuring news of healthy pregnancies and babies hoping in my heart that the same thing can and will happen to my hubby and me!   I am also happy for them obviously, that their journey has taken a positive turn after the storm of losing a child, or in some cases, more than one.   I feel like they are FINALLY getting what was long deserved and their Angels have reasons to celebrate and be proud of their new Rainbow siblings.

With all of this sunshine abounding, wouldn't you know that "the murk" found me anyway.  I was reading yet another successful birth story that yielded two healthy babies.  My heart was overflowing with happiness for my Angel Mommy friend, I was close to happy tears!  Then, quicker than a blink, the joy I felt for my friend turned south.  Not quite sure what sparked this emotional U-turn, but for now I am going to blame it on the Ides of March and the rain and their obnoxious effects on my students which made my day less than stress-free.  "The murk" fed off my rocky day and brought thoughts into my head I have been trying to keep at bay.  I found myself wondering if all of the rays of sunshine that have blessed the lives of my Angel Mommy friends will stop right in front of me, that yet again I will be "the one" that has lost two babies.  It happens more than anyone knows, lots of my Angel Mommy friends have lost multiple children.  Even upon being approached and congratulated for a successful and healthy pregnancy thus far, the reality that anything can change at anytime is staring me in the face.  It's been so easy to remain positive lately, I knew it was going to come back and bite me at some point.  Honestly, I felt SO incredibly distant mentally from our little girl and even further removed from her arrival.  Even with Lorelei break dancing in my belly, I find it hard to see a happy ending.   That is what "the murk" does, it consumes my thoughts and feelings and it's so hard to clear it away so that I can focus the possibilities and positive outcomes of this pregnancy.

Now that I have vented, it's time to defuse and de-stress.  I need to shake this day off and, with any hope, "the murk" will be shaken off as well.  I need to be in a better frame of mind, not only for my own health but for my sanity.  EXHALE!!!


  1. I totally understand. There are a lot of Angel Moms who have lost multiple pregnancies. I feel "the murk" is our shattered innocence and naivety that good things happen to good people and things will be just fine. Bad things happen to anyone at anytime and we know this reality. I find that I have to struggle to be hopeful now for myself. I will hope and pray and send good, positive thoughts to you and your baby that you will be "the one." The one to have the healthy rainbow!!!