Thursday, March 24, 2011

A pleasant surprise

Yesterday was Trey's birthday, a day I have dreaded since his last birthday and since his passing before that.  I guess what some say is true though, the days leading up to a sad anniversary are always the hardest.  On Monday, two days before his birthday, I was not in good spirits.  I was stuck in remembering that Monday was the two year anniversary of the day I had to be admitted into the hospital and the hard journey for my husband and I began.  On the way to work, I had a talk with Trey, as I do quite often.  I asked him for help getting through this week, I needed his strength to help me keep my chin up to get through what I thought would be tough days ahead. A dear friend wrote to me and contradicted my sentiments of the sadness of the day with words of good cheer.  I must be honest, I rolled my eyes when I read her kind words that Monday was indeed the day that started the time in which we would get to meet and get to know our son, for whatever short time.  At that moment, I thought, "who could EVER get themselves in that frame of mind on a day like this", for this day held nothing but the beginnings of suffering and bad memories.

To my surprise, less than 24 hours later, I was trying to figure out what words to say to honor his birthday on Angel Mommy sites and, of course, Facebook and her words were the first that came to mind and they rang so true.  Then I rolled my eyes for a different reason, I rolled them in scolding of myself, for not giving her kind words a chance to sink in.  In that moment of clarity, I remembered EVERY beautiful moment we had with our son, every precious touch, every embrace, every moment, every hope, every photo, and essentially every piece of happiness that he brought us from pregnancy to his passing and the pride, happiness, and love we have been blessed with because of him since his passing.  From that moment onto this very moment, it's those happy memories that kept me tear free and in good spirits.  I showed my colleagues a video made for me by a dear friend, a video of photos of our son that flowed to a beautiful song that I put on his playlist I made him when I was pregnant with him.  You could feel the mood in the room sink to a certain level of somberness, yet while they watched and probably felt sorrow, I could not help but smile and even giggle at the pictures of our son as they passed and the pictures of us releasing his ashes into the sea surrounded by our family.  I felt such pride that he is OUR little boy even from heaven and he is the strongest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting!

The rest of the day went just as well, my heart and soul were soothed with happiness.  I was so proud to tally up the number of teddy bears we collected in honor of his birthday to help other angel and NICU families!  I knew he would be proud as well.  That night before I went to sleep, I told my husband that I loved him AND our children!  I also thanked him for giving me our children to carry and to love.  I fell fast asleep with a smile in my heart holding onto the charms on my necklace that represent the love I have for my children.

I would like to thank my friend, she knows who she is, for giving me a different point of view, and point of view that stole all unhappiness from the day and helped me remember how beautiful Trey's life was, no matter how short and how his life continues to spread beauty and love to all of my loved ones.  Most of all, I would like to thank my dear son, who kept his promise to me and gave me strength and love making his birthday a bright beautiful day of celebration instead of the day of sadness I dreaded.   I wish that all Angel Families will experience this level of peace and happiness on their angel's birthday.

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