Friday, February 18, 2011

Stuck between a blog and a hard place

I am finding myself perplexed about the journaling process this time around.  After Trey passed away, I gave myself a year to journal my grieving process.  I had never really been into writing, never really considered my self a writer but after losing Trey, my emotions led my thoughts into what some have said was very moving, honest expressions of the grieving process (their words, not mine).  I found it easy to say and express anything, and for the most part it was received well.  People seemed interested in how I was doing and I think people could connect with certain aspects of my grieving process.

When I started journaling this pregnancy, I thought that I could once again delve into this emotional journey and the same flow of words would carry me through the way it did before.  At this point, I find that, while most have some experience with grief on some level and they might connect with the grieving process I wrote about before, not many can connect with facing the hope that is this pregnancy with grief still in my heart.  I get the vibe from others that I should not be anxious and fearful as I am.  I am not sure many can empathize with all of the negative emotions and the fears that have accompanied this pregnancy.   A lot of my musings have covered, in depth, the roller coaster (over used term I know) of emotions I am going through daily.  I am sure there are folks thinking that I should be overjoyed with the blessing of another pregnancy, and I am!!  I am sure there are those who have themselves convinced that I am effecting my health and the baby's health with my natural emotions.  The truth is I know no other way to feel but the way I am feeling, suppressing it will only make things worse in the long run, for me and our baby.  I am sure there are people who think its all in MY head, when there are others, loved ones, ESPECIALLY my husband, who have the same worries as I do, maybe not with the same intensity, but they're there.

The truth is, if I wrote about EVERYTHING that runs through my head and heart on a daily basis, I would sound like a broken record of negativity.  It's hard to find the words to express all that I am going through without sounding ungrateful and painfully negative.  Sometimes, I get a hankering to write but spend days trying to find a new angle to start with.  I am not writing to get people to feel sorry for me, I want to find clarity through my writing.  When streaming my thoughts, it seems like I have said it all before.  Maybe I am trying too hard.  It was so much easier before when the only subject at hand was grieving.  This time around, I should be shouting my elations from the rooftops.  My perspective this time around is skewed, stained, and changed.  My previous experience has made me quite the realist (totally against my nature) who knows all too well how things can go terribly wrong.  It's harder to see the silver lining.  I am wearing what could be considered the opposite of rose colored glasses.  I have wondered what color of figurative glasses it is that I am wearing.  My first guess would be gray, now that it's hard to see the world in black in white.  The band Live sings a song called "The Beauty of Gray", which is one of my favorite songs.  Maybe through all of these negative feelings and experiences, I can "see" beauty that others can't, feel what others can't, appreciate what others can't.  It doesn't put me on a higher spiritual plane or anything, but it's the one thing as an educator that I can't teach to anyone.

That brings me back around to my original thought.  I did hope that by sharing my journey, I could help myself heal while connecting with others.  I had hoped that my journey would give others not in my shoes a glimpse of my reality and maybe they would come away with a different understanding.  I wanted to share my truths to show others who have been through similar tragedy that they are not alone in their feelings.  When I started writing, I felt empowered at having the guts to  write some of the truths that I write.  I had never heard anyone express grief in such a way and being that it was my first experience with the grieving process, I had no idea on how the whole process went.  So I just went with it, said whatever, did whatever to get through, and writing was a part of that process.  I wanted my writing to accompany me through this pregnancy, through the good, the bad, the ugly as they say.  It has become quite a challenge.  I am somewhat convinced that the stagnant flow I am experiencing with my journaling this time around may be due to the judgments I feel everyone has about how I am handling this situation, a situation many have never had to endure.  This pregnancy and this child I am carrying ARE both blessings that I am more than grateful for.  I would give anything to be having the typical maternity experience, free of grief and fear.    I would love for the fears and nightmares to be wiped away.  That's not my reality.

I guess when it comes down to it, this journaling experience WILL be different.  I am sure there will be those who can't put themselves in my shoes and will never be able to understand the place where I stand and the place I come from.  I have always vowed to be honest when sharing my journey and I will continue to do so.  I know that, just like before, I will emerge from this experience and writing about this experience with a certain level of clarity and a certain peace that can only come from releasing my emotions and not holding them in.  It may be taboo to speak and think in the ways that I do regarding this pregnancy, but it is reality.  I'm not striving to say the right thing, just striving to live my truth.

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