Mama said there'd be days like this

I'm at yet another point of anxiety in my journey.  I have an appointment this afternoon, my first one in a month.  It's been a whole month since I've seen or heard the baby.  This month was a little easier as I was able to feel the baby moving, almost to the point where I could feel it from the outside which is SUPER exciting because the sooner that happens, the sooner my husband can feel the baby moving.  I remember him first feeling our son Trey move, it was so beautiful for us to experience together.  These positive memories and visions for the future have kept me in higher spirits, still the appointment this afternoon plagues me.

The thoughts, fears, anxieties, and nightmares return, if only for today, for right now.The questions that ALWAYS plagues me on appointment days is "What if I don't hear the baby's heartbeat?".  Others say "You can't think that way" and to that I say "Oh yes I can, and I have, and I will until this baby is safely in our arms, even then I will wonder when the next shoe is going to drop".  Should I think this way?  OF COURSE NOT!  I wish appointment days did not bring this type of torture to me and not matter how much I try to busy myself, keep my mind occupied, or think happy thoughts, my mind and heart retreat back to the very dark place where my fears  and nightmares live.    People say "But all your appointments are going well, so everything is fine."  This is true, thankfully, up to this point.  Everything was going swimmingly with Trey up until six months into the pregnancy, even after he was born premature with so many problems, we were told and reassured that he was going to be fine.  So to my heart and mind, nothing is absolute.  It's not over until the fat lady sings, or in this case, until the baby lets out its first cry.

This pregnancy has brought back many memories, good and bad, of our last pregnancy.  When I was pregnant with Trey, I felt so sexy and beautiful, this time not so much.  It doesn't help that this pregnancy has blessed me with a wonderful array of acne.  My body shape is different this time around too, maybe that's proof that this baby is a girl.  I looked so cute in my maternity clothes last time around, but this time, I don't like the way I look in them, maybe I need new ones, new clothes for a new experience.  I also wonder about what is the same and what is different this time around.  Is it good when things are the same as they were the last pregnancy?  Is there something I missed last time that could be examined further if it is similar this time around?  What's different this time and is that a good thing?  I so wish I had a better experience to compare this pregnancy to and maybe the next pregnancy, I will be able to look back on this pregnancy and be grateful to be in a better place.

Today, as everyday, I will continue to fight to keep my head above the murky emotional waters I am swimming in.  My life is SO blessed in SO many ways and have many things to be happy and fulfilled about.   I recently said to a friend that losing Trey left a hole in my happiness that only he can fill and the nightmare that was his birth and the days leading up to it stay with me just as much as my love for him and his love for me.   They haunt me during this pregnancy.  So for today, I will agree to be gentle on myself, breathe deeply, and look forward to hearing my baby's heartbeat today and maybe finding out the gender on Thursday.  I am hoping to celebrate this appointment as I have all of the others...maybe with a milkshake!!! YUM!